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BACK DOOR BOY IN A FRONT DOOR WORLD
OUTSIDE OF SOCIETY - THAT'S WHERE I WANT TO BE
A Letter To A Top Exec At Always Maxi-pads  
6th-Nov-2007 01:31 pm
Dear Mr.Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing? As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from "Aunt Flo". Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles in to a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you fucking kidding me? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong", or are you just picking on us?

Best,


Wendi Aarons, Austin, TX
Comments 
6th-Nov-2007 06:42 pm (UTC)
That was absolutely brilliant
6th-Nov-2007 06:43 pm (UTC)
I love this woman - I heart her, even.
6th-Nov-2007 07:34 pm (UTC)
Now that was some funny shit!
6th-Nov-2007 07:39 pm (UTC)
Oh man .. hilarious!
6th-Nov-2007 07:58 pm (UTC)
i love that you posted this. at first i was like "wait, he has a period?" and then i realized. LOL

but yes, thank you. VINDICATION! finally.
6th-Nov-2007 07:59 pm (UTC)
Oh, my, that was hilarious! Would love to see the look on his face if he read that.
6th-Nov-2007 09:18 pm (UTC)
I've seen the "Have a Happy Period" writing on the pads too...I totally understand where she's coming from with this. :)
7th-Nov-2007 01:50 am (UTC)
"Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong."

This made me laugh way too hard. I wish they'd print random phrases of discouragement on the pads. The company needs to have a sense of humor.

They should print various crimes, and the corresponding average sentence you'd receive upon conviction.
7th-Nov-2007 04:00 am (UTC)
AMEN. The only happy fucking period I'll have will be my LAST one.

And if I ever see any of that happy bullshit on my Always pads, I'll shred them and ship them back to the company after I finish having my first day's overflow, i.e., "oh, fuck, do you need a transfusion?!" day.

--Kris
7th-Nov-2007 07:27 am (UTC)
ok, i'll be the bitch. i understand that this was written in jest. i understand that lots of women can identify with some of the things she's written in jest. i have a hard time accepting that these stereotypes are still acceptable. i am not at any point in my hormonal cycle a "homicidal maniac in capris" nor an "inbred hillbilly with knife skills". and the longer we pander to these kinds of "jokes" the longer it's going to be until women are taken seriously. we are capable of maintaining. we don't entirely lose all sanity once a month. and i'm tired of being painted with this "i can't control my biological inconveniences" brush. yes, some parts of being female are less than pleasant. no, sorry... not funny. it's time to stop joking about it, ladies, and act like the adults, in control, that we are. no more bullshit excuses. no more lame ass jokes.
7th-Nov-2007 08:47 am (UTC)
This is fucking amazing. I love her :D
7th-Nov-2007 06:16 pm (UTC) - I AM a bitch
at that time, I understand and identify totally with the letter and yes, I can and DO control my hormonal urges, but that doesn't make them go away. Stereotypes....hey they come from people like me that DO undergo these menstrual trials and tribulations. This morning I am bloaty, icky, bitchy as hell don't want anyone to TOUCH me, wanted to strangle my poor granddaughter when she told me " you don't know What you are talking about!" cant reach across and touch either shoulder without causing boob pain and am Thanking God above for Kindergarten to get her away from me!
This letter made me laugh hard and brightened my day, I needed that, thanks!!! Kat
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