Brad Smith (jesus_h_biscuit) wrote,
Brad Smith

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As The Eight Ball Turns...

Jesus H. Christ, people. I'm reading my friends page, right? There it is once again, the reason why I will not go to Jimmy Jack's, even when invited by friends, because I'd wind up stabbing myself in the eye with the blunt end of a warped pool cue - Vlad The Impaler style - for having to suffer the company of bullshitters.

NEWSFLASH!! No one who actually intends to beat on someone would threaten to do it in the first place. The only beating you guys really ever do only involves one fist.

I don't know what happened this last time, I'm not sure I want to know, but I propose that everyone involved solve these petty bullshit dilemmas/beefs next time they arise like this:

Go ahead and have all rivals stand on opposing sides of the pool table facing each other, all drop trou at the same time and lay your dicks on the side of the table for inspection by an objective party that knows none of you. This person will conclude who in fact has the bigger dick before I pass sentencing, which will be carried out as follows:

1.) All convicted of criminal possession/misuse of testosterone shall be repeatedly bitchslapped by myself, Renea, Vilanca, and Corey.

2.) All convicted of criminal possession/misuse of testosterone shall be dipped in Gravy Train and thrown into my backyard with the hyperactive Labrador and the one eared Pit Bull.

3.) All convicted of criminal possession/misuse of testosterone shall have their collective asses whipped by either a gay biker gang or a roving band of homicidal drag queens, to be decided upon by Vilanca.

4.) All convicted of criminal possession and/or use of drama, empty threat making, inciting beef or otherwise implying the ways in which you might beat someone down without actually commencing on said beat down, shall be sucker punched and viciously mocked by Renea, who will then go to the person you're bitching about and tell them how YOU said you secretly wanted to snowblow them.

All fun and games aside, you guys all sound like motherfucking morons to me each and every time I hear this crap. Do me a favor - next time this nonsense starts, either ignore it IN ITS ENTIRETY, or actually beat the fuck out of each other - and I mean BEAT THE FUCK OUT OF EACH OTHER - so then we might all know that you actually have the balls to go along with that mouth.

Goddamnit, now you've gone and gotten my hormones all worked up. ::threatens to beat the everliving shit out of Doug Graham's trenchcoat::

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