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Dear God, My Aunt Died Today... 
29th-Aug-2007 09:04 pm
Double Barrelled
Dear God,
I'm writing this in the hope that you're real long enough to hear this message from me. If you're not, then I was right all along and BFD.

When I was a child I adored my Aunt Kathleen and loved spending time at her house, along with her husband (my Uncle Bill) and my cousin Johnny, their only child. She taught me how to make fried green tomatoes and took me to the coolest flea market I'd ever gone to. But then her husband started molesting me, which led to years of repeated rapes which grew increasingly violent. He lived a full life having never paid for any of his crimes, but if you're real and being God and all, you know this and have dealt with him appropriately. This makes me somewhat happy as your penchant for cruelty is world reknown. I don't really believe you exist (being that I suffered such agony on YOUR watch and all), but if you can show me proof that he was slowly, achingly ripped apart in hell and left to fester on rusted meathooks, then sewn back together and allowed to almost heal completely - only to have the process repeated, ad infinitum - I might be persuaded to give you a chance. Considering your other consummate failures in my life, you owe me at LEAST that. Get back to me.

My cousin Johnny and used to take me to arcades with him and to a thousand other places. It was Johnny who took me to see Pink Floyd's The Wall when it was released in theaters, and I thought he was the coolest - that was until I found his Klan robes and hood in the back of his van when I was 13, and I never wanted to see him again.

When I was in my 20's, my sister told me a secret that she and my oldest sister had been told by my father during the time of my parents bitter divorce, something he only told them because it was the only thing he could do given what was coming. You see, in her hatred for my father, Aunt Kathleen had produced affadavits accusing my father of having molested both of my sisters when they were small children. In these affidavits, she maintained that she suspected him of inappropriate behavior and had been told by my sisters that he had touched them inappropriately, etc. Forget the fact that there was no shred of proof to corroborate this insane lie (unless a substitute for proof is a claim that she'd taken my sisters to the doctor for a physical examination that offered an alleged diagnosis in favor of her lie), as well as forgetting the fact that this never came to the light of day until 35 years after-the-fact, 35 years in which she loved my father deeply and always treated him with tremendous love and kindness whenever they were together until my parents were locked in a tense divorce. It almost destroyed my father to tell them, but he wanted them to hear it from himself rather than in court. Naturally, they didn't believe it and never waivered in their staunch belief that my father was 100% innocent of these outrageous claims. That was all that mattered to him.

My Aunt Kathleen died today. She was in her 80's and in frail health, and died not really knowing that I hated her fucking guts. She's dead right now as I type this, and I feel absolutely NOTHING you would expect about that fact when a family member dies, not joy, not sorrow, just anger. Anger that I never had the chance to tell her what a miserable fucking cunt she was and how horrifyingly bad she failed in trying to ruin my father's life and relationship to his children. Once again, you cheated me out of what was rightfully mine, God. I can't tell anyone in my family about any of this, but I thought you should know.

So, if I'm wrong and you are real, I thank you - thank you for allowing her to suffer all this time she was so sick, and thank you for ridding the world of her. My deepest sense of hatred, the one that fuels my ability to hold a grudge until I die myself, is grateful and temporarily sated. I've never lied about who I am and I'm not about to start - I have to be honest about how I feel, even when it's not rose colored and pretty. Life isn't rose colored and pretty a lot more of the time than we wished, and I am many things, but I am not a hypocrite. I always promised that I would hate her until she died, and I have fulfilled that promise.

Now she can rot in hell with that monster husband of hers, and I may sleep a little more soundly under my blanket of justice.

With all honesty and seriousness, and not giving a FUCK what anyone thinks of me as a result of writing this,
- jesus_h_biscuit

"...and it may make me vile and wretched and worse off than you, but I do judge."
- Jennifer Nettles
30th-Aug-2007 01:09 am (UTC)
im confused....
30th-Aug-2007 03:35 am (UTC)
About what, babe? She's dead, I hated her, and wrote this to sort of document this moment in time. The whole God part was only for effect.
30th-Aug-2007 01:29 am (UTC)
30th-Aug-2007 03:36 am (UTC)
30th-Aug-2007 01:38 am (UTC)
Wow. Having just had my only uncle die suddenly last Thursday morning, an uncle for whom I felt little more than disgust due to his treatment of my aunt (my mother's baby sister) over the years, an uncle who forbade me from seeing my aunt this past December because I'm a big ol' fag-o-la, a wife-abusing serial adulterer uncle who appointed himself The Family Moral Arbiter, all I can say is Wow.

And - Thank You. Thank you for putting into words many of the feelings that have been rolling around my own cranium for the past 7 days.
30th-Aug-2007 03:36 am (UTC)
If this resonated with you, then I'm glad - you really should write your own letter like this, it is very liberating.
30th-Aug-2007 01:41 am (UTC)
"With all honesty and seriousness, and not giving a FUCK what anyone thinks of me as a result of writing this"

I actually find it comforting when I hear people tell it how it is about their family. Having ancestors in common with someone does not magically make that person a decent human being. She sounds like a terrible excuse for a human being, and more power to you for not pretending to feel what society deems appropriate feelings to have when a family member dies.
30th-Aug-2007 03:38 am (UTC)
I do as well, it speaks directly to honesty - and yes, sharing bloodlines is hardly a case for carte blanche against scrutiny.

She really was, as is anyone capable of acting in such a way.

I gotta be me, you know that!
(Deleted comment)
30th-Aug-2007 02:49 am (UTC)
I could never think badly of you for this. You are an amazing person, and they are damn lucky to have known you. And that they abused the guardian adult relationship they had with you and tried to ruin the one with your parents says to me, they did not deserve you.

I have similar family issues. Minus the abuse, and let me tell you, I do not for a second blame you.
30th-Aug-2007 03:39 am (UTC)
My best friend maintains that the reason my family takes issue with me most of the time is because I'm always shining a light on the hidden truth, and calling it out like I see it.

Thanks, sweetie - I appreciate it.
30th-Aug-2007 03:15 am (UTC)
I know what it is to nurse a grudge until its intended victim gets what he or she deserves. The boy who molested me is now in a wheelchair, there to stay for the rest of his life. I am whole, healthy, and improving daily.

But I worry for you, especially because your anger strikes me as being right at fever pitch. Human beings aren't built to run at a constant extreme. Hold your grudges; I won't deny you. But be good to yourself and others, as much and as often as you can--as you often already are.

You're a good man, and a better man than those who betrayed you.

30th-Aug-2007 03:41 am (UTC)
Don't worry about me, I have a fantastic family of friends that keep me in check and lift me up very high, I reserve this kind of hatred for the times when it is appropriate.

Thanks, darlin'!
(Deleted comment)
30th-Aug-2007 03:29 am (UTC)

You did what you said you would. Your job is over. I honestly and flatly admire it.

Now fill that angry spot with life and bury her under that garden of beauty forever.
30th-Aug-2007 03:42 am (UTC)
Yes, yes, and thank you.

She was dead in my heart a long time before now, this is just a technicality really.
30th-Aug-2007 03:32 am (UTC)
30th-Aug-2007 03:42 am (UTC)
30th-Aug-2007 03:33 am (UTC)
Similar family situation here, so much hugs and support.

"Life isn't rose colored and pretty a lot more of the time than we wished, and I am many things, but I am not a hypocrite" - and that's one of the things I love about you - you're blunt and honest, and you tell the truth.
30th-Aug-2007 03:43 am (UTC)
Likewise, my beautiful L.

I appreciate that, and I love you too. Hey, I gotta be me!
30th-Aug-2007 03:38 am (UTC)
I wont believe in heaven and hell.
No saints, no sinners,
No devil as well.
No pearly gates, no thorny crown.
Youre always letting us humans down.
The wars you bring, the babes you drown.
Those lost at sea and never found,
And its the same the whole world round.
The hurt I see helps to compound,
That the father, son and holy ghost,
Is just somebodys unholy hoax,
And if youre up there youll perceive,
That my hearts here upon my sleeve.
If theres one thing I dont believe in...

Its you,
Dear god.
30th-Aug-2007 03:44 am (UTC)
One of my all-time favorites!
30th-Aug-2007 04:00 am (UTC)
I feel your pain in all you write here.

Please have some joy soon, buddy. (hugs)
30th-Aug-2007 12:27 pm (UTC)
If that's true, then it's high time you wrote your OWN letters, whether to God or whomever - just to have some way of controlling it all.

BTW, I love that other new con of yours. I'm happy when I get to gaze into the faces of the people I love, the people I want in my chosen family.

Also, please know that I have plenty of joy in my life from the people that sustain me, but when I write things like this it is only so that I can get it out of myself and move on to better things. Writing is a very powerful and cathartic thing, it serves as exorcism for some of the things that I don't need to carry anymore. My hands on these keys can be a knife at one's throat if that is what I need them to be, if only so I can get some rage out and leave it where it belongs.

Know what I mean?
30th-Aug-2007 05:14 am (UTC) - You make God sound Sicilian! :D
I am sorry you have so much pain. If there is a God (for me it means the higher energy, the better part of us, the thing our souls are connected to), perhaps the only thing of value It can offer you is the high road - the choice to forgive, to take the weight of pain and anger from you. It's hard and noble and why the fuck should you be the one to have to do all the hard work, when assholes sleep at night, knowing they are evil as sin? I know it's tough. We don't know people's souls, we don't know the lies they tell themselves to assuage their vile existence, their ugly guilty black hearts.

But you are of higher ground, you have endured a lot of ugly, and you are still beautiful and whole and loving and kind, and you have conquered much in your life. You still know the beauty life has to offer, and you have so much love in your life. Did they? Did they know one fraction of the joy and love you have received in your life? They are/were not capable of it.That, to me, speaks of the strength of your soul, the strength of character of your very being. To me, that is the god-ness in you. God's not up in the clouds; it's your higher self. It's part of you. It's the love all around you.

i hope that, if they are not burning in the deepest pit of hell (I am not too certain of hell, you know?), they are faced with something more profound: awareness. Awareness of the pain and anguish they have caused on earth. Awareness of the time spent being low energy, rotten examples of the human race.

If one ponders reincarnation for but a moment, even just for snicks, perhaps they will come back as lice on fleas on rats, just to start over from scratch. Then they will graduate to maggots in dog shit. Then, they will come back as a slug, then a fly, then a rat, then a mangy unwanted cat, then an unwanted child, yearning for compassion and love (maybe they will actually find some, maybe not), then...eventually, perhaps they'll re-do their life cycle and learn compassion the hard way - by being totally undesirable. I know I'm mixing religious beliefs, but fuck, this energy goes somewhere, and I believe there are lessons to be learned here.

The simplest thing would be to thank your lucky stars you are not a lousy piece of crap like they were. If there is one thing I could erase for you, it would be your pain and anger, little biscuit. But that is your journey, that is for you to do, should you choose to do it.
30th-Aug-2007 12:30 pm (UTC) - Re: You make God sound Sicilian! :D
I love you, Nina. I absolutely do. ;-)
(Deleted comment)
30th-Aug-2007 12:32 pm (UTC)
Thank you - and yes, if no one else I always have D.

I know, lol.

Therein lies the dilemma - the bastard rotting in the ground next to her has gotten plenty, but I'm not sure if she's even worth my piss.
30th-Aug-2007 09:17 am (UTC)
I'm glad for who you are.
30th-Aug-2007 12:32 pm (UTC)
As am I, for you!
(Deleted comment)
30th-Aug-2007 04:26 pm (UTC)
It's not weird, it's true and I know exactly what you mean. I wouldn't have half of the convictions I have were it not for the trials I've endured.

I thank you too, sweetness.
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