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9th-Jul-2007 07:33 pm

While I realize this post is in the worst possible taste, I don't care. If you have an issue with it, don't read it. Thank you, and now back to your regularly scheduled depravity as brought to you from my inner 14 year old.

Tell me the most vile, disgusting, depraved joke you can think of. Like the dirtiest joke you know. I know one from 8th grade that nothing has compared to yet, and it goes something a little like this.
So there's this guy who loves nothing more than eating pussy, and he meets this girl who loves nothing more than having her pussy eaten out.

While he's going down on her, something smells not quite right - but he goes at it with gusto and she responds appropriately with lots of twitching, growling, and back arching. He finds something small, warm, and a bit squishy with his tongue. He stops, raises up, and retrieves from the end of his tongue half of a lima bean. It's very odd, but he dismisses it and in his highly aroused state dives right back between her thighs.

In a matter of moments, something similar happens - this time the object is the skin of a squashed sweet pea. In about a minute or two more, he finds the small fragment of a piece of bread, and shortly thereafter decides he needs to consult the girl.

"Are you, like, sick, or something? he asks inquisitively.

"No", she replies, "But the guy before you was."
Tell me your dirtiest joke in a comment, more than one if you have them. Everyone I know is in a funk, in a bad way, or otherwise just hating life - so let's have some distraction, shall we?

9th-Jul-2007 11:52 pm (UTC)
A man engaged the services of a professional woman to satisfy his need. He put it in and was pumping away (forgive my ignorance if I'm not describing the process correctly!), and he stopped and said to her, "It's awfully dry and rough!". She apologized and excused herself for a few minutes in the bathroom. When she returned they resumed their activity, and he noticed a marked improvement. When they had finished, he mentioned how much more enjoyable it was, and asked what she'd done. "Oh, it was simple!" she said. "I picked the scabs!"
9th-Jul-2007 11:53 pm (UTC)
10th-Jul-2007 12:00 am (UTC)
9th-Jul-2007 11:55 pm (UTC)
A sweet little white-haired fluffy grandmother was sitting on a park bench, feeding squirrels, when a man in a trenchcoat walked straight up to her and flashed her.

"Oh, my!," said Grandmother in a quavering voice, eyes bugged out. "Will you do that again?"

"Well, OK," said the Flasher. And he flashed her again.

"Oh, dear," said Grandmother in her soft quavering voice again. "Can I hold one?"

"Wow! Sure, lady. Go ahead!" said the Flasher. He opened his coat, and Grandmother gingerly grasped his right ball in her shaking left hand.

"Oh, MY," said Grandmother. "Can I hold the other one?"

"Be my guest," replied the Flasher, with a grin on his face.

So Grandmother took hold of his left ball with her right hand, tightened her grasp with both hands, and said, very clearly, as her fists rapidly and forcefully parted and joined, "NOW...DON'T...YOU...EVER...DO...THIS...AGAIN!"
10th-Jul-2007 12:02 am (UTC)
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?


This is only funny if you're Catholic.
10th-Jul-2007 12:17 am (UTC) - Totally Off Subject...
Did You Happen To See My Post For You Over The Weekend?
10th-Jul-2007 12:21 am (UTC) - Re: Totally Off Subject...
I'm sorry, no! Link me?
10th-Jul-2007 12:24 am (UTC) - Re: Totally Off Subject...
10th-Jul-2007 12:42 am (UTC)
OK, here goes the dirties joke I know and it's gross too.

Joke: Do you know why tampons have strings?
Answer: Because you're supposed to floss after you eat!

I do have a sense of humor, a quite wicked one in fact I just don't use it enough online I guess for fear of offending people. But I love a good hearty belly laugh!

10th-Jul-2007 12:42 am (UTC) - you asked.
What is the worst part about raping little boys?

Getting the blood out of the clownsuit.
10th-Jul-2007 12:57 am (UTC)
George W. Bush Titty Fucking Laura.

Not a joke, but you know. I hope some of ya'll are twitching.
10th-Jul-2007 03:13 pm (UTC)
I require brain bleach and a Brillo pad, sir, along with a full bottle of Laphroiag. My team of ninjas will be by shortly to collect these items. And break your knees.
10th-Jul-2007 02:12 am (UTC)
Mine aren't very dirty ... but they're quite non-PC. And since I'm epileptic ... I can tell them! :-D

What do you call an epileptic in bed?
-- A vibrator

What do you do with an epileptic in your bathtub?
-- Throw in your laundry

*groan* I know, they're lame.
10th-Jul-2007 03:27 pm (UTC)
What does an elephant use as a vibrator?

An epileptic.
11th-Jul-2007 03:08 am (UTC)
Good one - and one I'd never heard before!

And I do have another epileptic joke - the GF reminded me:

What do you call an epileptic in an oven?
-- Shake and Bake
10th-Jul-2007 04:51 am (UTC)
Sorry I am not too vile, disgusting, depraved but maybe you have heard these.

What is the difference between a woman kneeling in church and a woman kneeling in the bathtub?

The woman in church has hope in her soul.

What is the difference between the Panama Canal and Nancy Pelosi?

The Panama canal is a really busy ditch
10th-Jul-2007 05:30 am (UTC)
Pagerbear already mentioned my disgusting joke. So here's a far simpler, disgusting and vile riddle.

How do you make a dead baby float?


Add root beer and a scoop of ice cream.
10th-Jul-2007 02:52 pm (UTC)
Q: What's the difference between a truck load of cannon balls and a truck load of dead babies?

A: One's easier to load with a pitch fork

Q: What's worse than a barrel of dead babies?

A: A barrel of dead babies with a live one at the bottom eating his way out!
10th-Jul-2007 06:34 am (UTC)

A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing
there, He asked her, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a
few minutes. I'll explain why later. The nun agreed to his request.
Shortly thereafter, two MPs came running along and asked her if
she had seen a soldier running down the road.
She replied, "He went that way".
After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her
skirt and said." I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't
want to go to Iraq.
The nun said she understood.
The GI said," I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but
you have the most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen!"
The nun replied," If you had looked a little higher, you would
have seen the most beautiful pair of balls you've ever seen!

I don't want to go to Iraq either.
10th-Jul-2007 06:44 am (UTC)

One night Jerry bought a dozen roses home to his wife.
"How lovely dear, " she said, "What's the occasion?"
"I want to make love to you " he simply said.
"Not tonight dear, I have a headache."
The next night Jerry came home with a big
box of chocolates and explained that he
wanted to make love to her. "I am awfully
tired honey" she said."Not tonight."
Every night for a week Jerry brought
home something, but each time his wife's
answer was no.
Finally he came home with six black
kittens with little red bows around their
necks and handed them to his wife."How
adorable Jerry", she exclaimed."But
what they all for?"
"These are six little pallbearers for
your dead pussy
10th-Jul-2007 06:46 am (UTC)
umm.. add that icon as one big F'in joke too! LOL :) ::hugs::
10th-Jul-2007 07:55 am (UTC) - I'm a total square
An American tourist goes on a trip to China.

While there, he is sexually promiscuous and doesn't use a condom.

A week after arriving home, he finds his penis is covered with bright green spots. Horrified, he goes to see his doctor.

Days later the doctor calls and says, "I've got bad news. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare. We know little about it. We have to amputate your penis."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines him and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD."

"What can you do?" asks the man. "My American doctor wants to amputate!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid American doctors always want to operate. Make more money that way. No need to operate!"

"Oh, thank God!" the man replies.

"Yes!" says the Chinese doctor. "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself!"
10th-Jul-2007 09:50 am (UTC)
My girlfriend called me a peadophile.

I thought that's an awfully big word for a seven year old.
10th-Jul-2007 01:48 pm (UTC)
Q: What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails?







A: Single.
11th-Jul-2007 03:06 am (UTC)
that's awesome!
10th-Jul-2007 03:44 pm (UTC)
A gay man on a bus one day sees a new fellow-rider, the most gorgeous man he's ever seen. He's compelled to follow the man off the bus, and he goes into a proctologist's office. The gay man follows him in, and can't believe his luck - the gorgeous man is the doctor!

The gay man immediately asks for an appointment for an examination, and the doctor can see him immediately. As the doctor is examining the guy's ass, he can't help noticing that the patient isn't finding it in the least uncomfortable. Instead, he's exhibiting unmistakable signs of enjoying it. The doctor gets annoyed (he's a doctor, damn it, not a sex toy!) and tells the gay man to get out and not come back unless he's got a problem.

The gay man is crushed. The doctor is so dreamy, and he felt so good during the examination...

The next day the doctor is surprised to see the same patient come back. He begins to get angry, but the gay man assures him that he's got a real problem now.

The patient assumes the position, and the doctor greases up his finger. As he's about to start the examination, the doctor notices something seriously not right - there's a green stick coming out of the man's ass. He looks closer, and sees another, and another.

"My God!," the doctor exclaims, "There's a dozen roses up your ass!"

The man cries, "Read the card! Read the card!"
10th-Jul-2007 05:24 pm (UTC)
haahaahaahaa... omg i love that one!
11th-Jul-2007 04:08 am (UTC)
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair...
11th-Jul-2007 11:44 am (UTC)
I took the kids to the beach.
We were all layin on the sand...just relaxing.
I noticed that a movement kept blocking the sunlight.
I shaded my eyes and was surprised to see Michael Jackson there with us.
I was very excited to see him, although I had to tell him to get out of my son.
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