Brad Smith (jesus_h_biscuit) wrote,
Brad Smith

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I cannot begin to explain how centered I feel right now. I'm going to try though, because I want to mark this occaision for reference in the future.

I have felt so uninspired and unaccomplished for SO long. It was as if I spent this amazing space of time living vicariously through someone else's dreams, chasing after them at times, and never giving thought to the ones I had for myself; the ones that could quite easily validate who I am and would be one day.

Daniel has helped me to change that to an extent that I never dreamed possible. There are things that I've always imagined and yearned for that felt like a blueprint for someone else, but were never destined for me. I have maintained that my resolve has kept me by his side when things were wonderful and when they were difficult, but held onto my conviction that it was right. I cannot explain how I know that, I just stick to my philosophy that when you know, you just know and better you accept that and not question it. I'm now feeling the rewards for that work and it overwhelms me.

He is by far the sweetest, most thoughtful man I've ever come into association with. He thinks at times that he doesn't give me all of the things that I give him. On the afternoon of my birthday, he gave me (by phone) probably the best present I've ever been given in my entire life. When I asked him what he'd done up until that point, his reply was "I've spent the first half of the day thinking about how wonderful you are." It moved me to tears, and made me feel like I was dancing in brilliant light. That someone this amazing who has completely altered the course of a life that needed it so desperately would show that, demonstrate it, give life to it and animate it into emotion, there is nothing that compares.

I am now in the position of declaring my feelings for him sacred, as this is nothing that I've ever experienced before. And there is SO much I have to even get to yet! The mere idea of things in the future, whatever they may be, brings me to a level of optimism that I never knew I had within me.

He wrote me a note and wrote to me in my birthday card and I know what it took for him to say those things to me and mean every word. I know what I mean to him for him to have committed these words to paper for me and about me. His evolution and reinvention is nothing short of miraculous, I cannot explain how incredible it is to bear witness to what he is becoming. For him to tell me the things he does and tell me at the same time how good I am for him just takes me back to a time when I knew nothing of such things. How for everything I've been through and survived, I never really lived before.

I've done everything I knew to do up until very recently to survive and keep my head above the water, because it was all I knew to do along with breathe. And someone has shown me with very clear eyes that I've only just started being alive again.

However long it's been that I've forgotten that very simple fact. I will never be the same, and I'll never go back to what passed off as living. I'm making memories from now on.
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