Brad Smith (jesus_h_biscuit) wrote,
Brad Smith
jesus_h_biscuit

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Good Morning All!! ::hums::

I was thinking about several different things before I drifted off to sleep last night, the first of which are my parents. I was thinking how nice it it would be to explain who he is to me and ask them to be happy for me.

Mama will be happy for me, depending what mood she's in. Daddy will no doubt try to make light of the issue and give me JUST enough to make me think he's cool with it, but dare not give me too much, somehow explaining that he only wants me to be happy, but then sucessfully negating that statement while working in his disdain for the entire conversation. I've learned to live with his disapproval - it changes nothing about me to have it or not, truth be told - he made his life decisions and I don't necessarily approve of his methods myself, but so long as he's happy that's all I care. His approval or lack thereof has no bearing on me living my life according to what is right for me. There are worse things than him having a problem with me in light of the fact that he's FAR from perfection. All I have to do is think back to some of his own choices and it keeps me from being upset. I can humble him in my mind fairly easily at this point. I love my father, there is no doubt about that, the fact that I have ANY sort of relationship with him at all is already a good thing, and after September 11th my priorities have shifted. I have to make myself happy, life is entirely too fleeting and I cannot live for anyone else's expectations if they aren't meeting some of my own.

I was also thinking about how just completely addicted to this man I've become. I'm at that point where being with him physically, or at least talking to him on the phone, makes me light up and not having him there kind of makes me "Blah", unless for course my friends are around. When I lay down beside him, and we're not talking, I'm so relaxed that all I want to do is fall asleep and be as vulnerable as possible in his presence, just because I trust him enough to feel that I could. Last night, I was falling asleep in his arms - not because I was really tired, but because I was safer in those moments than I can ever remember being since I was a small child.

And all I can think of is how long before I get to do it again...
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