By Andy Borowitz
Just days after the Rev. Pat Robertson claimed on his “700 Club” program that God had warned him of “mass killings” that would occur in the United States late in 2007, God held a rare press conference today to deny having spoken to the controversial televangelist.
For the usually publicity-shy King of the Universe, the press conference at the Chicago Airport Marriott signaled a sharp break with tradition.
Appearing before the press in his trademark flowing robes and white beard, and carrying what appeared to be a lightning bolt, God said he had decided to convene the extraordinary press briefing because “I had to set the record straight about this.”
"I want to make it clear that at no time at the end of the year did I have any conversation with the Rev. Pat Robertson,” the Supreme Being said. “Personally, I think the guy is delusional.”
God then distributed his personal phone logs for the month of December to prove that he had in fact no contact with the Rev. Robertson.
"I don’t make a habit of talking to TV personalities,” God emphasized. “Although on New Year’s Eve I did have a brief chat with Ryan Seacrest to wish him good luck.”
Answering a reporter’s question, God acknowledged that with war raging around the globe, 2006 had been a “difficult year” for the forces of goodness, but he remained upbeat, pointing to some of his accomplishments in the year just past.
"At least I got Judith Regan fired,” he said.
Elsewhere, Britney Spears checked into a rehab center after being driven there by her 1-year-old son, Sean Preston.