Brad Smith (jesus_h_biscuit) wrote,
Brad Smith

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Yes, I Know I Should Be Asleep But A Bleeding Heart Knows No Rest

I'm all but ready to go to sleep, right? It's 9:30, The Sopranos is about to go off, I'm checking email and lo and behold... A friend IMS me in a complete panic, and can I come over. I tell him "No, I'm about to go to bed - but what's wrong?" Basically, he's a local minister and we've been friends for a little over 2 years online and see each other once ever 6-8 months or so - mostly when he's flipping out because he's afraid someone is about to out him. This was the case tonight.

He drove over to the house, but wouldn't come in as he didn't want Nathan & Maggie (he's scared to meet them, or anyone I know for that matter - he's wierd like that) to see him all upset. I told him that I understood and I rode with him to Britt David park's walking trail. He was so upset that he was in tears for most of the drive and couldn't really speak much. What I gleaned from the conversation was this:

A: I'm glad that I'm out.
B: I'm glad that I don't have "God says it's wrong" issues.
C: I'm very lucky that I found Damien (I love you baby, TBMIT!) and that we have so many fundamentals in common.
D: Living a double life is too hard.
E: I won't get much sleep tonight, but I feel better knowing that I could be there for someone who has no one else to go to for support. It actually makes me very sad, though.

I told him I wanted him to try and make friends with someone who is also a Christian, but not affiliated with his church and maybe one day come out to them. He looked at me like I was crazy. He told me that he appreciated me listening even though he knew I didn't understand the whole Christian thing. I in turn told him that it had nothing to do with it, the real issue was that things may not always be on his terms as they are now, that maybe one day someone would burst his comfortable little bubble and there would be nowhere left to hide. Which, for as true as that is, did NOTHING to make him feel any better. I think I upset him more in saying that.

I just cannot understand living that lie, I was so young when I came out. Best thing I ever did, really.

Okay, NOW I'm really going to bed. To lay there and read until I get sleepy again, of course. GRRRRR.... Damn me for being a bleeding heart that cannot deny a friend in need, because 4:30 comes MIGHTY early!

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