Brad Smith (jesus_h_biscuit) wrote,
Brad Smith

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Jesus H. Christ...

This is transcribed from the phone call I just had a few moments ago that has since put me in a tailspin....

me: "107Q, Good Morning!"
Paige: "...I'm begging you to forgive me. Please just listen to me. He's been gone for 2 weeks now. He's hit me for the last time. He's cursed me and my kids out for the last time. He's been stealing money from me and I'm going to the bank this morning to get proof of this and when I do, he's going to jail."
me: "Give me one reason why I should think this time will be any different than the last one, Paige - and you'd better make it good, I mean it."
Paige: "My kids have got to be priority for the rest of my life, because I've not taken their best interests like I should have and I feel horrible for it. Please, I'm begging you and Maggie to forgive me."
me: "Paige, let me call you later on this afternoon when I've had a chance to think about this."

Okay. I'm listening to this and hearing the urgency in her voice and remembering that I have already written her off and chosen to have nothing to do with her from now on. I no sooner hang up the phone when I'm in tears and walking around the studio in circles with my head in my hands, just crying.

I love Paige. I hate the choices she has made and I have not spent enough time explaining to her just how bad those choices are. I was keeping her in mind in writing some of the things on my last post. I pride myself on "calling it out" and yet with her I have felt like I have spent more time trying to build her up and not enough tellingher how much I hate her choices and precisely why I hate them.

So this is what I'm thinking. I'm going to make a list of everything I want her to know. I'm going to talk to her and let her know that I cannot take being disappointed by her again, not after this seemingly endless series of humiliations. I miss Sean and Shannon, her children. I tried my best to be a positive roloe model for them, and for a time they were learning to respect themselves because she sure as hell wasn't imparting that onto them be her examples.

The truth is I want to believe her more than I actually do. I'm just not sure what I'm going to do at this point. One thing is for sure, though. I've fucked up and been forgiven for my bad choices by people who loved me enough to not give up and write me off like I have with her. Now I'm not so sure I should have made that decision a permanent one. When have I ever denied someone who needed my help before? I have to have a long talk with myself after this shift is over and I go home.
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