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16th-Jul-2006 06:11 pm
White T-shirt
Blame [info]Benton for this one.
Have you ever had a date that was so irretrievably bad, you were willing to gnaw off a vital extremity in order to hasten its end?

I really like my left arm, but I'd gladly leave it behind if I thought the ambulance ride would get me away from this... person.
My response: Ah yes, Señor Quaff - the man who was so meticulous about his mop that I spent more time watching him comb, brush, and smooth his hair over dinner that we barely spoke. Quite possibly the most vain person I'd ever met, bar none.

Cut to the evening when we were fucking - he wouldn't get on his back to bottom, as I was 'messing up his hair!' and that would not do. On his knees was no good because he couldn't see me. We resorted to me lying down and him riding me until he skeeted all over the place, then promptly went to sleep. No worries, though - as soon as I knew he was out, I stood over the side of the bed to quietly rub one out, and came all in Señor Quaff's hair. I then took the last two Percodan from his medicine cabinet as payment for the evening, and made last call at the bar near my house.

What about you?
(Deleted comment)
16th-Jul-2006 10:16 pm (UTC)
I have NO response to that. *self immolates*
16th-Jul-2006 10:58 pm (UTC)
That's it. I'm hiding my toothbrushes AND utensils, any next day comes back to this place.
16th-Jul-2006 10:59 pm (UTC)
DATE, dammit, not "day."
16th-Jul-2006 11:15 pm (UTC)
dag nasty, but very funny
17th-Jul-2006 01:58 am (UTC)
Around 1987. I'm 25, and Out On The Town. After an evening of bar-hopping, I stop by The New Order at Ansley Mall for a nice, quiet nightcap before heading home. While there I'm picked up by a cute furball who is equally blitzed but who just happens to live across the street at the Ansley Park apartments.

We proceed to his place and start to Get Our Groove On, only to be interrupted by his roommate's own drunken arrival home. Did I mention that this was the 5th of a month, the day rent is due? And that said Trick had neglected to provide his half of said rent? And that said roommate, needing said rent, barged into Trick's room while Trick's mouth is full of my dick, demanding the rent and a reason why Trick could go out drinking while welching on his part of the Household Expenses?

I was able to disengage my appendage, and quietly slipped out the door as Trick and roommate came to blows (so to speak) over the financial situation. As in I could hear slaps and screams, even out in the parking lot.

Trick tried again to pick me up a few months later, but for some strange reason I just had to decline...
17th-Jul-2006 03:08 am (UTC) - Puppy dog syndrome
Years ago I went out on a date and everything was fine. We got to my place and had great sex. The next morning the "puppy dog" syndrome kicked with him and it freaked me out. He could not stand to be more than 3 feet from me (while bathing, getting ready for work, eating breakfast, etc.).

Nice guy, but..., damn, that drove me insane.
17th-Jul-2006 07:27 am (UTC) - Revenge sex is always a bad idea...
There was this guy who used to tutor me in Japanese and give me a ride home after class every night and because I am generally a nice girl and more importantly because my roommate never finished fucking her boyfriend in our room for a good hour after I got home, I would invite him in and we'd drink tea in the kitchen and then he'd go home. He apparently thought we were dating and told everyone in the class. My boyfriend's buddy who hated me sat in the back row. My boyfriend spazzes out and breaks up with me in a jealous rage.

I, being a nice girl, invite tutor boy to come tutor me at my place instead of the library, wear the skimpiest thing I own and remove any seating but my bed. He gives me a completely cheesy and clearly unnecessary line about that I shouldn't stress myself out before finals and he can help me relax. I break out the condoms.

He tells me, "Whoa, there, missy, you're not getting any tonight."

I roll my eyes and tell him I'll just put it on my nightstand just to be safe and then stick my hand in his pants. Turns out he's wearing two pairs of underwear. With padding. I finally get him undressed and he's tiny. Like the size of my thumb if I accidentally dropped a medium sized novel on it. I make him put the condom on. He totally fucks it up. He bats my hands away when I try to help and goes through 3 before he finally gets one on.

It is so, so not worth it. He sets on me like a deranged cat in heat and had he been any bigger at all it would have hurt like hell, but as it was it tickled. A lot. I heroically stifle my laughter. He has to run home the minute he's through and invites me to meet his mother the next day.

He just shows up out of the blue in the morning and catches me having a much better time with my roommate and offers to help out. I offer to show him out of the building. My roommate offers to beat the crap out of him. He shows up again with beer and a buddy and offers to have a threeway. I point out the weirdness of offering a girl you just caught eating pussy a threeway with two guys and relieve him of the beer before my roommate and the guy we end up have a threeway with that night show him to his car.

He completely and utterly fails to tell anyone we slept together and I walk in on my boyfriend having sex with his ex the next morning when I come to retrieve the bra I forgot to put back on in the middle of him breaking up with me. He lives with her for seven years. I end up marrying my roommate.
(Deleted comment)
17th-Jul-2006 03:15 pm (UTC)
Oh my doG, I'd have completely freaked out. Reading this, my mouth literally flew open and I bellowed "SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP."

Whoa, just w o a h....
17th-Jul-2006 07:32 pm (UTC)
Holy crap! That's unbelievable. I believe you, but still..., damn. I would have been so embarrassed.
18th-Jul-2006 04:02 pm (UTC)
I'm no sexpert, but my experience has led me to the conclusion that hair mussing is endemic to a sexual situation.

Maybe you should've lent him a shower cap.
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