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Dos & Don'ts (& More Don'ts) for Gay Boy Refugees 
28th-May-2006 09:20 am
Hat tip to elcid89 for this, you are the BEST, man!
Dos & Don'ts (& More Don'ts) for Gay Boy Refugees

So you made it out of that backwater town in one piece. Now comes the hard part--acclimating to a new place and living an openly gay life. Soon enough you will discover which bars cater to your distorted physical ideals, that meth is very bad, and that a deep tan is ugly and pre-cancerous--but what about the other stuff? Here's a cheat sheet to save you some time and trouble.

1. You are not a strong black woman. You never will be.

2. I know it was terrible being the fag in your school/small town/own mind, but don't introduce yourself to people with this information. Being gay is, and should be, the least interesting thing about you.

3. If your mother is the greatest woman who ever lived, keep it to yourself. The holiday orphans don't want to hear it. On the flip side, your family will always be a part of you even if you never speak to them again, but try not to spend your life in reaction to them.

4. Rainbow flags, bumper stickers, and wind socks are no different than Green Bay Packers fans painting their faces green and gold: a complete embarrassment. Pride can be as ugly and warping as shame.

5. Gay life is quite often empty and depressing, but bitching about it outside the confines of a few close friends will get you tagged as bitter. Yes, the gay mainstream is alienating with its cookie-cutter bars, bad dance music, and Queer as Folk. It's enough to make you turn straight. But electroshock doesn't work and Jesus is a sci-fi character.

6. Don't fraternize with people who haven't come out.*

7. Your masculinity has most likely been called into question. Anything you do in reaction to it will be a failure. Don't try to prove or disprove anything.

8. There is a difference between being effeminate and being a queen. Being effeminate is just that--being. Being a queen is an affectation. I can't throw a ball, but I don't call anyone "girl," even female children.

9. Avoid she-bonics: referring to each other as Girl, She, and Her. "What's her problem?" That you are an idiot. This includes: Bitchslap, Girlfriend, Shit pussy, Mangina.

10. Don't be a misogynist asshole. Leave the tuna jokes back in your small town with your usage of Jew as a verb. If it weren't for lesbians and feminism, we'd still be sucking cock in truck-stop restrooms. I mean exclusively.

11. I've never been to a bathhouse. No, really. So I can't advise you on it but I do know they are basically a petri dish of STDs. If you are okay with HIV, herpes, gonorrhea, syphilis, and other STDs, by all means fuck your brains out.

12. Do not have black-and-white photos à la Bruce Weber taken of you and your beloved. And if you must, then don't hang them up as "art" in your home.

13. Don't kiss and tell. Or fuck, suck, rim, or fist and tell. Think of your bedroom like Vegas: What happens there stays there. It will keep you from gossiping, which is the true heart of darkness, and will create a sense of mystery. Besides the cruelty of nicknaming someone Princess Tiny Meat (it would make a wonderful DJ name though), it isn't good karma. And what modestly endowed dude who sucks a mean cock is going to want to go home with you after that?

14. Bros before hos. I learned this the hard way: Do not sleep with a friend's ex-boyfriend. Ever. Even if they say they don't care, they do.

15. You are 200 times more likely to be an alcoholic than your straight counterparts.

16. Beauty fades. Develop some inner resources, otherwise when it goes, those of us with less far to fall will laugh at you. To your aging face.

17. Men, like lotto tickets, should not be had every day. The odds are the same.

18. Romantic friendships will end up being neither.

19. Cultivate friendships with straight men. "But we have nothing in common," you say? Bullshit. You are men. Many straight men are in fact softer and sweeter than their faggoty brothers.

20. Make friends with at least one dyke, you silly faggot. When the shit goes down--for instance your mother dies--fags will drop you in an instant if you aren't fun. Dykes will come to your house with food.

21. Don't make friendships based solely around how outrageous you are. It's a shitty kind of attention.

22. Don't refer to anyone as a fag hag. It's rude. Also don't hang out with fag hags.**

23. Don't date people who have scars that are older than you.

24. After all of that, you are still not a strong black woman.

* it is a person's decision when to come out, unless they're in public office (esp. a Republican) voting to deny equal rights and enshrining the constitution with discrimination - then you drag that motherfucker out kicking and screaming.

** the ones who make it a lifestyle and invariably fall in love with you - you don't need that kind of drama to make your life tragic.
28th-May-2006 01:46 pm (UTC)
LMAO!!!!!!!! THAT IS AWESOME!!!!!! but what if I can do my neck roll like a strong black woman?
28th-May-2006 01:50 pm (UTC)
Refer to #24, of course. Wasn't this the BEST???
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28th-May-2006 04:13 pm (UTC)
I'm thinking a 'cut-n-keep' version for the wallet as well.
28th-May-2006 04:01 pm (UTC)
I am so passing this one along, because that was an absolute riot!

Thanks Jude.
29th-May-2006 12:24 am (UTC)
All credit goes to elcid89!
28th-May-2006 05:07 pm (UTC)
That's awesome! :)
29th-May-2006 12:24 am (UTC)
All credit goes to elcid89!
28th-May-2006 05:34 pm (UTC)

I'll be passing it around my friends so that we know that we're expected to show up with food when the shit goes down. I'm particularly fond of #10, but thats a personal bias.
29th-May-2006 12:24 am (UTC)
All credit goes to elcid89!
28th-May-2006 05:59 pm (UTC)
lol! i like the above.. but with reference to no.22..i am a fag hag.. and proud of it:D

its an accident tho.. i dont deliberatly do it i promise.. and i realise that no matter how hot they may be, none of its for me.lmao
29th-May-2006 12:27 am (UTC)
I love my straight friends, but I've had some that fit the 'fag hag from hell' bill and were very self destructive. It's a serious problem when your entire identity is based on how outrageous your gay friends are, particularly when you use the relationships as an excuse for not asociating with straight men and particularly when you pine for those relationships, but fixate on the unattainable ones. Those are the ones to run a mile from!
28th-May-2006 09:13 pm (UTC)
I laugh every time I see this.

Can we put it on a large decal and affix it to the boxes of the toaster ovens they pass out at 'Orientation'?

#23 should be modified a bit: ...scars, tattoos, or piercingsthat are older than you.
29th-May-2006 12:28 am (UTC)
I feel a project coming on for the new handbook/agenda!
29th-May-2006 12:08 am (UTC)
Found you via dakoopst's friend list.

This is brilliant. Especially #24.

Thank you for this.
29th-May-2006 12:30 am (UTC)
Hiya, and welcome! All credit goes to elcid89!
29th-May-2006 12:38 am (UTC)
I almost feel like writing a similar one, for non-traditional women (not necessarily lesbians, just those who'd rather do more than get married, knocked up, and bake constantly) who manage to escape. Humorous!
29th-May-2006 08:06 am (UTC)
You say "get married, knocked up, and bake constantly" like there's something wrong with it...
29th-May-2006 01:52 am (UTC)
Excellent list. I shall print it and stick it on my wall over my desk (at home) :)
29th-May-2006 08:08 pm (UTC)
Wow, I disagree with probably half of it!
10th-Jun-2006 03:50 am (UTC)
Haha, this is great. I'm a fag hag though... sigh. At least I'm not a pain-in-the-ass kind of fag hag... err, at least I hope not. lol
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