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Two New Burger King Sandwiches Negate Each Other
MIAMI — In a gala ceremony at its Miami headquarters, the Burger King Corporation rolled out two new sandwiches that conceptually negate each other. "The new Veggie Burger, with just seven grams of fat, is a refreshing, heart-smart alternative to the usual fast-food junk," Burger King vice-president Robert Fass said. "And brace yourselves, meat lovers: The new BK Hickory Bacon Triple Stack—three juicy, big-beef patties topped with crispy bacon and slathered in a rich, smoked-cheddar sauce—is gonna blow you away." Burger theoreticians posit that the sandwiches could destroy each other if sold in a single order.
God Promises "Big Surprises!" In Store For Hurricane Season
Lazy FDA Approves X-Ray Vision Pills
WASHINGTON, DC — Citing the hot weather and a desire to go home for the day, FDA officials approved American Products Limited's "X-Ray Vision Pills" for commercial sale in the U.S. Monday. "After evaluating this and regulating that for months, we were really dying to cut out early, so we were all just like, 'Fuck it. Let's just approve this,'" FDA deputy commissioner Lester Crawford said. "Besides, nobody could think of a real good reason why X-ray-vision pills would be unsafe."
Gay Man, Unattractive Woman Form Tight Bond