Brad Smith (jesus_h_biscuit) wrote,
Brad Smith

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Today I feel like absolute hell

Not only am I sick, but my stress level is very high today. In part BECAUSE I feel terrible, and also in part because I haven't gotten any good sleep all weekend and I need it to function properly.

I'm feeling very defeated today, in every sense of the word. Tired physically, emotionally, psychologically, you name it. Again, all of this is confounded with whatever allergies I have that are going completely haywire.

We talked last night for a little over an hour and it actually left me feeling a bit relieved. He understands how important honesty and knowing where I stand means to me, and overall it was a good and normal conversation. Although I cannot deny how all of this is affecting me, I feel very guilty at the same time because the hurt I feel is completely overshadowed by the conflict he is in. It has very deep roots and is quite scary, the place he's in mentally and emotionally. I cannot go into details as that would be an invasion of his privacy and I'd never do that, but suffice it to say I understand why he is discouraged. I asked him point blank about his feelings for me, and he told me that they were protected.

This afternoon I burst into tears just because I feel bad and am very frustrated. No sooner did this happen when I heard my father's disgusted voice in my head telling me to stop it and quit being such a crybaby. And you know what happened? I stopped. Of course, it kept starting all over again, but I realized something in this process. It occurred to me that I still take to heart the things I grew up being told that I now know are complete bullshit. Though I know it's silly to think that crying and being emotional that way is a bad thing, it was pretty much ingrained into me. (I have let go of most of that as I've gotten older.) And all of a sudden I understood on a new level how he feels. Some of the things he is contending with he knows cannot be changed with mere wishes and desires, and yet those are the very things he has been taught are what matter most. But exactly WHO do they matter the most TO is the question and the paradox I suppose you might say.

I'm feeling neurotic and in need of reassurance. What I really need is my mama to make me some chicken and dumplings, for it to rain VERY hard for a couple of days, and for the fog to clear up enough for me to see.

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