Brad Smith (jesus_h_biscuit) wrote,
Brad Smith

The Phoenix From The Flame And The Wretched Beast Within

I've never worried about us not loving each other, even when I've wondered if loving each other isn't enough of a reason for us to be together. Even Saturday after the wedding reception (but before the screaming) when I'd consumed 7 Dewar's & sodas and two shots of Cuervo Gold before even getting off the boat, and I'm leaving out the beer and Jagermeister that happened at the bar afterward. How liquored up was I that I wound up in a fucking bar? I mean, what does that tell you about the state of mind my inebraited as wound up in? Cut to both of us intoxicated - albeit he's well lit and I'm bordering on ripped - and it goes from being a tearful yet civil conversation where we're both trying to make a valid point to quickly being this ugly, venomous...I don't even know what. I remember everything that was said fairly well, even recalling the bit where he's telling me to lower my voice so as not to wake the people in surrounding hotel rooms and me taking this as I would in such a state of mind: "FUCK these people, I'll say whatever goddamned motherfucking thing I motherfucking feel like saying as loud as I want to and I give a GAT- damn who hears me or what they think about it, you got that?" It was horrible, and then it only got worse. He pushed the absolute worst buttons and I felt myself do that old familiar thing, that thing I vowed I'd never do with anyone I truly loved, and that is to go for their throat. I started in on him, trying hard to keep it at a minimum and only said what I absolutely had to say so that I wouldn't go into an absolute meltdown. I swear that I held back with all of my might until I had that revelation that came to me as clear as possible in realizing two things. The first thing was that I was on the verge of that meltdown I alluded to a second ago which would have resulted in me saying mean things with no point, and the further knowledge that I was past the limits of my patience and I was feeling enraged and spiteful enough that I'd have done it intentionally. I hate that man, I never want to be him again. I've not given in to being him in more years than I can even count, I thought I'd gotten a permanent handle on him, but now I see that I haven't.

The good thing about it is this, I knew the second it turned and I had the faculties, love, and respect enough for him to announce that I was leaving. I stated that I was seconds away from boiling over and becoming out of control of my mouth and was about to leave to prevent that from happening. He told me to go ahead and go, so I did. I seriously hate this part of myself, but it isn't hard to own up to it when it's the truth and I'm not going to lie about it.

I suppose if there's anything I can take from the past three days and the conversation I just had with Damien it is this - even when you're facing insurmountable odds, it is a bad idea to resolve yourself to anything when your feelings are running on high. People can and will surprise you and do the exact opposite of what you're dreading they will do. That's how I know we love each other, in proof even. I was able to own up to a few of my vulnerabilities and things that have really been weighing me down, and even though the discussion centered around owning up to this thing and that thing and agreeing to couple's counselling, I feel much lighter and better and even relieved just to have had the opportunity to share that stuff with him without any concern for sugarcoating my feelings and instead just being direct. I know I have deep rooted anger issues and all for valid reasons, but I did tell him that none of that is his fault and he didn't deserve it. It's not that I don't have a right to be angry or express myself when I'm upset, but in my right mind I have to make better choices with respect to how I'm going to respond to the anger and/or frustration. There were probably many better ways I could have handled myself sober, but everyone has their limits and I hit mine on Saturday, the degree of difficulty also skewed by my drunkenness. The point is that I know my behavioral problems are not his fault, no matter what he says or does that might spurn me on, and I alone am responsible for it. I even knew that much before he told me how much fear I put in him, how scared he was of me in those moments when he thought I was out of control and about to be violent with him. It is a given to me that I would never EVER raise a hand in anger to anyone, least of all him. The only way I'd ever become physically violent with anyone would be if they initiated it, and even if they did throw the first punch I'd have to already be idling at angry. It would also have to be someone I really didn't give two shits about. No matter, the fact that he actually looked fearfully at me and was literally scared for his own safety because of my temper, that just absolutely breaks my heart.

I was very relieved and impressed that he was the one to take the initiative on counselling, already getting the name of a therapist who would be suitable for us as a Mo couple. I was equally impressed that he gave me the credit for being in control enough to walk away, which I totally didn't expect. Even Saturday, in the midst of all the chaos, he was the one to suggest a possible separation for us, which is something I'd never expected him to suggest. It reaffirms my hope that he's as genuinely interested in getting us equitable with one another as I am, so already I know that we'll be alright. Talking to him last night was one big sigh of relief, it really was. Thanks to everyone who has offered support and sent energy to me lately, it was just what I needed.

Life is insane, love is insane, If you're ever to survive love, you have to dismiss those grandiose notions of it being this perfect thing that goes where you want it to go. Failure to do so is consigning yourself to repeated, self-induced heartbreaks and crushing disappoinments, and who the hell needs that?
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