I don't feel like I'm ME anymore, I feel like I'm beaten down, defeated, tired, and apathetic - and any of these things alone are like the kiss of death for me.
This past year has really been difficult and I'm only just starting to see how a lot of the recent past has affected me. When I distill all of these things off of the whole, what I'm left with is relatively simple - I'm really just very unhappy, and I feel like I'm stuck spinning my wheels.
I am at a point in my life where I'm having to reevaluate a lot of stuff and I'm filled with regret about a lot of choices I've made, which is very foreign to me in such a myriad of ways. If I make a decision, I've put enough thought into it that I can feel assured it is the right one for me (and those around me that will be impacted or otherwise affected by my choices) and can feel founded in making that choice. I don't suffer mistakes lightly, so I try hard not to make any if I can help it. I am through with my usual optimism for the moment because in trying to remain vigilant about my normal "There is always a better time" life philosophy, there is the obvious fact that I'm barely able to tread enough to keep my mouth above the waterline now and then. I'm past being pissed off and sad about a lot of things, now I'm just angry and depressed. It's anger turned inward AND outward, and on a good day lately I'm fit to be tied. I know this passes, it always does and it will again.
I think on these things and my reasons why I feel the way I do and no matter who talks to me and makes sense of my frustration, I still feel completely alone because I think too much. Everything hurts and little to nothing makes sense. Even my complaining, as valid as I know it is right now, is my own personal kryptonite. The only time I ever feel guilty for anything is when I want something for myself, and right now - as stupid as I know this is - I feel guilty as hell for wanting to even feel better than this. Is that not the most ridiculous thing ever? I confront myself in the mirror and you wouldn't BELIEVE the things I say to myself. I know, we're all our own worst enemy, but there are times when I'm feling particularly mean, spiteful, vengeful even - and with no outlet around to take it out on (which I don't ever actively try to do anyway, lest I become my father) at those times when there is just too much to keep pent up it invariably gets turned on myself. I practically roast and/or stew daily in my own sadness as it is, and now I'm finding I've really just lost myself somewhere. I don't feel like ME anymore, the person I cultivated and tried so hard to be, I feel like that has all gotten away from me and I'm goddamned if I know how to get back to that. I'm sullen and resentful, and I simmer on a volcano of anger that terrifies me should the lid blow off. I go way outside of my comfort zone and put up with and take a lot of shit (even the self imposed stuff) to spare feelings and not leave anyone feeling the way I've felt my entire fucking life, and this is what I get for it. It's extreme overcompensation and it fucking sucks, particularly when I feel like I get -0- appreciation for my efforts sometimes, and especially when the alternative is me going thermonuclear without a killswitch.
Saturday was crazy as we had Cole's 9th birthday/slumber party at home. I was home this weekend as Damien and I were taking a bit of a break from one another for once. We had 6 boys spend the night and camp out in the living room. They had a great time and it was pretty much what I expected with having that many rowdy, rough-and-tumble boys running around crashing into and/or eating everything in sight. They eventually crashed out just before 3AM, then Mags and I finally followed suit. I got up at 7AM to make breakfast for the kids and allow them some playtime before the parents picked them up at 10. Having had a rough night and really just a rough go of things lately, Maggie and I decided to just get the hell out of town for the day. Avery was with her Grandmother and Cole went to spend the day at one of the spend the night friend's houses and by 11AM we were on the road. We had barely been on the road for 45 minutes when the show started, and off and on all day long it came down heavily but never stuck.
We went shopping at Whole Foods and the Dekalb Farmer's Market, had lunch at The Vortex, then came home. We both had a great time, it was a really good day except for the part where we were leaving the Farmer's Market and there was a very sweet homeless woman who asked if we had any money to spare. Maggie gave her what she had as I had no cash on me, she thanked us gratefully and we left. On the way to lunch, the guilt set in that we'd just loaded the trunk with all this food and I didn't give her anything. We were sitting in a nice, warm car - out of the cold - and there's no telling when she had the luxury of doing that. She had a jacket on but was obviously cold. It was showing and the wind was blustery, I had a fleece scarf and skullcap on and I didn't give them to her. Her lips were horribly chapped and I had chapstick and didn't give it to her. I've thought about all of this off and on since leaving her in that parking lot. See what I mean? What the hell has happened to me? I'm SO tired of this, I really am.
Spent the majority of the day today with a screaming migraine, but it's almost completely gone now. My shoulders are sore and tense and my stomach is all wierd, and I'm loopy and unable to keep much of a focus but I'm better. Still working on letters and CD's, please be patient. If you've already gotten yours and have not emailed me to let me know, please do so.
Heterosexual Pride Valentine's Day, everyone - especially to everyone I love.
- Music:Sigur RÃ³s - Untitled 4 (NjÃ³snavÃ©lin - The Nothing Song)