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My life is certainly NOT brilliant right now, and that's just going to have to be okay. 
15th-Feb-2006 07:41 pm
I don't feel like I'm ME anymore, I feel like I'm beaten down, defeated, tired, and apathetic - and any of these things alone are like the kiss of death for me.

This past year has really been difficult and I'm only just starting to see how a lot of the recent past has affected me. When I distill all of these things off of the whole, what I'm left with is relatively simple - I'm really just very unhappy, and I feel like I'm stuck spinning my wheels.

I am at a point in my life where I'm having to reevaluate a lot of stuff and I'm filled with regret about a lot of choices I've made, which is very foreign to me in such a myriad of ways. If I make a decision, I've put enough thought into it that I can feel assured it is the right one for me (and those around me that will be impacted or otherwise affected by my choices) and can feel founded in making that choice. I don't suffer mistakes lightly, so I try hard not to make any if I can help it. I am through with my usual optimism for the moment because in trying to remain vigilant about my normal "There is always a better time" life philosophy, there is the obvious fact that I'm barely able to tread enough to keep my mouth above the waterline now and then. I'm past being pissed off and sad about a lot of things, now I'm just angry and depressed. It's anger turned inward AND outward, and on a good day lately I'm fit to be tied. I know this passes, it always does and it will again.

I think on these things and my reasons why I feel the way I do and no matter who talks to me and makes sense of my frustration, I still feel completely alone because I think too much. Everything hurts and little to nothing makes sense. Even my complaining, as valid as I know it is right now, is my own personal kryptonite. The only time I ever feel guilty for anything is when I want something for myself, and right now - as stupid as I know this is - I feel guilty as hell for wanting to even feel better than this. Is that not the most ridiculous thing ever? I confront myself in the mirror and you wouldn't BELIEVE the things I say to myself. I know, we're all our own worst enemy, but there are times when I'm feling particularly mean, spiteful, vengeful even - and with no outlet around to take it out on (which I don't ever actively try to do anyway, lest I become my father) at those times when there is just too much to keep pent up it invariably gets turned on myself. I practically roast and/or stew daily in my own sadness as it is, and now I'm finding I've really just lost myself somewhere. I don't feel like ME anymore, the person I cultivated and tried so hard to be, I feel like that has all gotten away from me and I'm goddamned if I know how to get back to that. I'm sullen and resentful, and I simmer on a volcano of anger that terrifies me should the lid blow off. I go way outside of my comfort zone and put up with and take a lot of shit (even the self imposed stuff) to spare feelings and not leave anyone feeling the way I've felt my entire fucking life, and this is what I get for it. It's extreme overcompensation and it fucking sucks, particularly when I feel like I get -0- appreciation for my efforts sometimes, and especially when the alternative is me going thermonuclear without a killswitch.

Saturday was crazy as we had Cole's 9th birthday/slumber party at home. I was home this weekend as Damien and I were taking a bit of a break from one another for once. We had 6 boys spend the night and camp out in the living room. They had a great time and it was pretty much what I expected with having that many rowdy, rough-and-tumble boys running around crashing into and/or eating everything in sight. They eventually crashed out just before 3AM, then Mags and I finally followed suit. I got up at 7AM to make breakfast for the kids and allow them some playtime before the parents picked them up at 10. Having had a rough night and really just a rough go of things lately, Maggie and I decided to just get the hell out of town for the day. Avery was with her Grandmother and Cole went to spend the day at one of the spend the night friend's houses and by 11AM we were on the road. We had barely been on the road for 45 minutes when the show started, and off and on all day long it came down heavily but never stuck.

We went shopping at Whole Foods and the Dekalb Farmer's Market, had lunch at The Vortex, then came home. We both had a great time, it was a really good day except for the part where we were leaving the Farmer's Market and there was a very sweet homeless woman who asked if we had any money to spare. Maggie gave her what she had as I had no cash on me, she thanked us gratefully and we left. On the way to lunch, the guilt set in that we'd just loaded the trunk with all this food and I didn't give her anything. We were sitting in a nice, warm car - out of the cold - and there's no telling when she had the luxury of doing that. She had a jacket on but was obviously cold. It was showing and the wind was blustery, I had a fleece scarf and skullcap on and I didn't give them to her. Her lips were horribly chapped and I had chapstick and didn't give it to her. I've thought about all of this off and on since leaving her in that parking lot. See what I mean? What the hell has happened to me? I'm SO tired of this, I really am.

Spent the majority of the day today with a screaming migraine, but it's almost completely gone now. My shoulders are sore and tense and my stomach is all wierd, and I'm loopy and unable to keep much of a focus but I'm better. Still working on letters and CD's, please be patient. If you've already gotten yours and have not emailed me to let me know, please do so.

Happy Heterosexual Pride Valentine's Day, everyone - especially to everyone I love.
15th-Feb-2006 12:44 am (UTC)
I hope this helps you as an outlet. And I'm sorry you're feeling like this. *hug*
15th-Feb-2006 01:17 am (UTC)
15th-Feb-2006 02:08 am (UTC)
If there's anything I can do, or stop doing... please let me know.

15th-Feb-2006 02:18 am (UTC)
Het pride day. I like that.
15th-Feb-2006 02:40 am (UTC)
Jude, As compassionate as you are, you must be there and find and save you, before you can save the world. Be as compassionate to yourself as you are to strangers!

Yes, you had those things to give her but what about tomorrow, are you going to go back and fix her life everyday? No, because you can't. Sometimes we do what we can for others and then must move on. You give her a bit and if others do too then she gets what she needs. You *can't* do it all no matter how much you want to. No one can. We are here to help each other as best we can, when we can, but one said you had to save the world. Please don't be so hard on yourself!

I think you are overly empathetic with others in need. I feel this because I have had the same feelings having been overly empthathic all my life. But I have learned if I give it all away and leave nothing for me I have nothing left when I'm in need. This past year I had a full breakdown because of this. I'd hate to see you go through this if you already aren't.

You say you don't feel like "you" anymore. Are you looking for who you know you are deep inside or are you looking for what those around you and society says "you" are, or should be?

You talk like you tried to be what everyone wanted you to be for your whole life. It doesn't work because eventually you look in the mirror as you did and don't see you because there is no *you*. It is just a complation of what everyone expected you to be.

Eventually that self cracks because it is not real. When we do this it becomes a covering of who others want us to be so we can cope,to not hurt others because then we hurt. We don't allow ourselves normal feelings like anger,bitterness, or resentment, because those feelings might hurt the other person even if they are deserved. And then we feel their pain so much we feel gulty for hurting "them". A vicious cycle that hurts you not them.

People who are so empathetic need to put up boundaries to protect themselves. I suspect you have very thin boundries. It makes you very compassionate but also very vunerable. This probably goes back to the incident in your childhood and learning to hide what you felt to cope.

They say depression is anger turned inward. Maybe you've been stuffing this anger all your life, stuffing it to save others feelings and need to find a healthy way to let go of it so you don't feel guilty for not being a saviour to anyone but you?

I think you need to think about Jude right now and take care of Jude. Whatever you need. I hope you can find what you really need. You.

Hugs, Christina
15th-Feb-2006 01:29 pm (UTC) - I know this is for Jude but thanx
Wow , this is so beautiful ; )
and I found many things I recognise and will think on
....thank you .
16th-Feb-2006 04:35 am (UTC) - Re: I know this is for Jude but thanx
You're welcome. I'm glad I was able to touch you in some way. After all isn't that what we're here for to support and help each other get through this journey called life?

Many hugs, Christina
18th-Feb-2006 09:42 am (UTC) - Re: I know this is for Jude but thanx
Ok , I read your comment and reply and then your lj bio...
I need to tell you; I am humbled , very deeply humbled .

Namaste , dear one ~ Fela
15th-Feb-2006 03:01 am (UTC)
When I first friended you, it really made an impact on me how very in tune with everyone else you are. I friended you for the passion in every one of your posts, not to mention they way you firmly stood behind what you believe in. So, I'm sure you don't know me from the stray cat down the street, but I do hope you'll put yourself first now and then and take care of you. I don't think it's something you do often enough, but I know alot of folks here who want you to be happy, and that comes from sometimes just realizing that *you* matter too. :)
15th-Feb-2006 07:58 am (UTC)
I have had a rough time lately as well. Sometimes things seem out of control and you look at yourself in the mirror and say, "Who the hell are you?" Lately I have had these nagging existential questions like "where will I be in 10 years?" and "Is this all there is? Work, debt, weight gain, evil politicians, bad news, bad tv..." "Who am I?" "Why am I here and not there?" I get really down with the world, with myself, etc. It's so hard not to lie down and cry all day long (I gave myself this past Saturday to do that). I have been an emotional wreck, and I don't have the faintest idea how to get out of it - it just so happens I feel a bit better, but watching the Olympics, I get teary-eyed when someone fucks up, and I cry when they win. Emotions going in fifty different directions.

So, as I swim in the bowels of chaos, my advice to you is simple: Hold on to those who love you and wait on, and things will get better. Don't be so hard on yourself.

And express yourself in your journal!

Hope all will be well with you soon.
15th-Feb-2006 01:27 pm (UTC)
**strong , tender hugs **
I happen to be in a similar space right now ...::sigh::
a major battle is brewing within & I'm not sure what side of me will prevail
but I know this Jude ; I have very strong shoulders and a good ear .
I know how to be still and listen ....
if you should EVER need another sounding board, I am so there for you !

Much Love and strength to you dear heart ~ Fela
15th-Feb-2006 01:55 pm (UTC)
I can understand where you're coming from. I spend a lot of time wondering why I deserve to be so well off and guilting myself about the ones who aren't. I don't know if I'll ever be able to accept the fact that I desrve this and mor.

I'm sorry you have to feel that way too. You did what you could; you can't go around giving away pieces of yourself to everyone who needs them and you're not responsible for their circumstances, not responsible for remedying them or bettering them. I've found you to be an intelligent, charitable man. Don't give so much of yourself away you have nothing left for yourself.
15th-Feb-2006 02:35 pm (UTC)
you know...a pretty smart man ..sometimes helps me out when I'm all fucked in the head....he says stuff like...

"This is all going to be just fine one way or the other, sweetie - you just have to believe is all. I know how hard faith is to come by, but when you think it's all gone you have to dig deeper and find more - and I know you have it in you, you've got a thicker skin than you did only a year ago and you're much more resourceful than you credit yourself for. Breathe, take your time, know I love you, and look for me later on. "

one day..I wrote him ...I couldn't stop crying..and he said this..(funny how it can pertain to most any subject)

"First off, I love you. That goes without saying, but I'm saying it.

This happens to everyone in some way, and ALL YOU CAN DO is to look at it for what it is - and that is reasonably simple. This was nothing more than an exercise and learning experience when you strip away all of the negatives, and BELIEVE ME - I know it is hard to do that when you're so busy dragging your own ass over the coals. The fact is that having a barbecued ass isn't going to help solve anything.

Instead of what you've done or not done to land yourself in the current situation, the fact remains that it's not the worst thing that could happen to you. And the best thing is that it is only temporary, even ifit feels permanent. That's a bullshit headtrip we play with ourselves because we fool ourselves into thinking that we're worthless when in reality it is just life stuff and it happens to the best and most put-together people. ......
Bottom line, no matter how low you feel right now, every negative thing you tell yourself is a lie and we both know it. It will pass, and things will revert to a better sense of normalcy. You have survived unimaginable horror already - compared to all of that, this is really small stuff. What I want you to do is give yourself permission for this to be okay right now - because there is no other choice - and decide right now that you're taking the initiative to make things better and easier for yourself. Tell yourself thanks for being able to handle this current state of life even though it isn't being done as ideally as you might like, it is getting done and that end result is all that matters.

Life is the present, Andy - not the pretty wrapping paper it comes in. Forget about the wrapping paper bullshit and focus on the present and be grateful you have one. Life isn't always this pretty, strife free thing, honey. We have to have our low points not only to balance out the high ones, but to prepare us for when it's good again. ... "

and one of my favorites...
"While you're sitting there trying your hardest to crucify yourself emotionally, you've forgotten one small detail - you're never going to get that last nail in, no matter what you do. The ONLY choice is to stop, rethink positively, and get on with it.

Shake it off, and make the choice. You know as well as I do that it gets better, it always does."

hmm..the next email saved in this group is directions to Columbus Georgia...oh...looky there..all those emails are from you

read your words, Brad.

18th-Feb-2006 09:47 am (UTC) - karma is very good to him
As I was reading this I thought ;
Wow , what great advice / guidance ...it all sounds like things Jude would say ...
heheheh ;)
Well done Sir , a taste of his own yummy medicine , I love it !
(Deleted comment)
15th-Feb-2006 07:14 pm (UTC)
holy CRAP!
Joe, can you imagine...we unleash the biscuit on DC...how awesome would that be?!
16th-Feb-2006 07:38 am (UTC)

I added you cuz I found you interesting. You were a friend of a friend of a friend and personally I don't have enough gay males in my life. Plus damn it your interesting. I think you would be a good friend and I can learn stuff from you. Hell I don't know I'm awful at introductions. Anyways, I'm Kelly 34, Lesbian geeky semi computer nerd wanna be. I've added you to my friends list and I hope you do the same!

17th-Feb-2006 01:52 am (UTC)
I wish I had the wit and wisdom to lighten your load right now... You are such an incredible human and I can only echo everything that has already been stated in the previous comments... You have strong influences of people who know and love you out side of these pages... We just want you to be YOU nothing more than that... Don't think you need to give more than what you really can at the time or in the moment despite the fact you are so conscious of what others needs are...

Sounds like you are also doing a lot of internal clearing... Let those past messages be erased and let the floods from the river you are standing in wash away those old feelings and pains... Feel the feelings until the river runs clear again...

And as you always remind me... "Your strength to be anything you need to be is already inside you, sooner or later you'll find it within yourself. Life isn't about the destination, it's about the ride". I love and honor those in my life who continue to teach that when I can't accept or access it sometimes...

(ok, I kept your emails too! they are great strength to me when I need some re-assurance)

Much love, energy and many hugs to you, my friend.
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