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I don't believe in God, I only believe in the Devil, even though I know he's dead. 
14th-Jan-2006 08:44 am
I just woke up a few moments ago from another nightmare, another one about HIM. One of these days, this bullshit will stop. I woke up kicking and crying and scared to death and practically jumped out of the bed, scaring the hell out of D in the process. I'm okay now, about 15 minutes have passed and I'm getting my bearings. My muscles are sore and my throat is on fire from heartburn, which I usually get when I'm upset for some reason. I did my silent/to myself "I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay" chanting and now I feel kind of numbed out.

Here it is - I know now what it would take to get me to believe in God. HE would be alive again and I could kill him myself with my bare fucking hands in a public place and anyone looking on would know why and applaud me for it.

I'm okay.
14th-Jan-2006 01:50 pm (UTC)
I don't know why, but this makes me cry.

Would pagerhugs help?
14th-Jan-2006 01:55 pm (UTC)
Much like kisses, pagerhugs make EVERYTHING better.
14th-Jan-2006 02:01 pm (UTC)
I'm here to serve.
14th-Jan-2006 02:09 pm (UTC)
In that case, tall skinny vanilla sky latte, double shot. And a blueberry scone. CHOP CHOP!
14th-Jan-2006 02:11 pm (UTC)
You'd better be a good tipper, mister!
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14th-Jan-2006 01:59 pm (UTC)
Yes, and I thank you for it. You're a big sweetie, Daniel - thanks again!
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15th-Jan-2006 11:20 am (UTC)
I don't bring it up much, so it's not really common knowledge. Most people don't know. I'm much better about it than I used to be, but I still have horrible nightmares now and then.

There are more than the obvious reasons why I love you, D-K. I love you because even if you cannot relate 100% to what I've experienced, you at least know what it feels like on a fundamental level to be abused and victimised in a way that most people with thankfully never know. I don't even have to tell you the half of it because you already 'get it'. That makes me feel closer to you than I would with a lot of people, there's no explaining or justifying anything to you - you have that same ability I have, borne out of horror and wreckage, ruled by this enormous heart covered up with inpenetrable armor. And for the chosen few that get to know what's really inside, it's all worth it.
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15th-Jan-2006 11:21 am (UTC)
There are too many of us, just too goddamned many.
14th-Jan-2006 04:53 pm (UTC)
this brought up so much for me. mostly rage. i have something i want to send to you.
15th-Jan-2006 11:21 am (UTC)
Bring it, K!
14th-Jan-2006 05:59 pm (UTC)
He should have been tortured to death.

I wish I could go back in time and kill him before he was able to get near you.
15th-Jan-2006 11:22 am (UTC)

Thanks, & I love you too.
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15th-Jan-2006 11:24 am (UTC)
S'okay, I'm much better now. Thanks, Rich!
14th-Jan-2006 10:48 pm (UTC)
I appreciate your sharing and have shared myself, and also inspired someone else to share.
Thank you

15th-Jan-2006 11:29 am (UTC)
Thank you. It never stops infuriating me how many of us there are, and how many of us get blamed for our own victimization.
14th-Jan-2006 11:36 pm (UTC) - pondering out loud
One thing that pisses me off about my beleif in God is that not only do shittythings happen to people, but the shitfarts that CAUSED the bad stuff, and those cunts who did the bad stuff, get forgiven and all is balanced out in the end.

I have a bad time with that. Sometimes, after my dad would push me to the point of wanting to end my life, I would shout out and ask God, " What are you, some kind of fucking sadist? Is this the shit I get to live through?" And when my dad died, the hurt and grief was great, and I would ask, " So he gets to fucking die, scott-free, and rest in peace, and I am fucking stuck here with all the fucking baggage? I'd like to open up that casket and kick his rotten decayed fucking head in!!!"

I am not so angry anymore, and my dad never did the things you describe, but it sure pisses me off when sick fucking pieces of shit get to be forgiven, because I would like to have them sinking in a vat of fetid stench with a hot poker up their asses for a few million years before they are forgiven. But that's the old testament God, that hot-poker-up-the-ass God. That's the Pilgrims' God, not the hey- everything-is-cool-all-is-forgiven-so-chill-like-a-couple-of-Fonzis- and remember-I-love-you kind of God.

I don't know how to rationalize my faith in God in relation to your pain, my pain, or anyone's pain. I swear, I believe there is a God, but fuck if I can grasp heads or tails of the way things work. I do know there are good things and bad things in the world whether there is a God or not, and we all have things for which to be thankful, even though some of our lives were shit in the beginning , or are shit now.
15th-Jan-2006 11:33 am (UTC) - Re: pondering out loud
All hope for me having any faith in God died right then and there when I was a little boy. While I can understand then need to believe, I have none of it. It is my firm belief that if there truly was any such thing as God, I'd be the first in line to spit in his fucking face.

There are just too many of us and that's the biggest heartbreak of all, you know what I mean?
15th-Jan-2006 04:28 am (UTC)
You Amaze me.... You were going through this when you emailed me this morning? OMFG! I wish I would of known... or seen this earlier not that there was anything I could of done other than support you... See Jude this is why I say you are one of my HEROS... You give voice to those issues that some of us just are not brave enough to 100% deal with openly or face amongst others ... You continue to share the core of you heart and soul while moving on and facing this shit you should of never had to experience in the first place...

As I said this morning... "Thank you again Jude, for your validation of ones process, being honest about yours and having the courage to deal with it all as you have both internally and publicly."

I hope you found peace in your day... Many... Many... Many healing thoughts and hugs to you...
15th-Jan-2006 04:30 am (UTC)
ummm how the hell did that come out with that date and time? It's only 8:27 PST!
15th-Jan-2006 11:11 am (UTC)
Yeah I was - and it was great distraction, actually. Here's the thing, though. What choice do I really have, you know? I can either do what I need to do or I cna be self destructive and kill myself one feature at a time. I've already done enough damage to myself, body, mind, and tattered soul, so my only choice is to keep on going with my take-no-prisoners attitude 'thing'. It keeps me (relatively) sane.

If you or anyone gets something validating out of my public posts, then they're worth writing and it gives me a better sense of purpose. Thank you again for the stellar compliments!

We ended up renting movies (Beauty Shop is HILARIOUS!), getting takeout dinner from my favorite Mom & Pop Italian restaurant, getting ice cream for dessert, and then coming home for the night around 6PM. I was in bed by 8:30 as I was exhausted. It was a great day, all in all.
15th-Jan-2006 06:50 pm (UTC)
*nods* yes and relates sooo much...

I guess the biggest prisoners we take are our self sometimes... Glad too that you can tell remind your self that your are ok and will be ok...

Sounds like you took care of you and had things that comforted you... good movie... good laughter... good food... and most of all to share it with the Man who loves and supports you... Taking care of you and going to bed early... (to steal the line from Master Card... PRICE LESS!!!) Home should be a comfort and a refuge... Glad to know you make the smart choices... yes, I know...

15th-Jan-2006 07:47 am (UTC)
I didn't know any of this... nothing I try to say will be good enough to describe what this made me feel. Obviously I am sorry. I mean jesus, man... I need to hug you again.
15th-Jan-2006 11:12 am (UTC)
Yay for more Ben huggage!
15th-Jan-2006 05:12 pm (UTC)
You know I'd love to have a good long discussion with you. There's so much I'd love to chat about and things I'd love to share with you that I think would give you some peace of mind.

I'm not trying to top your pain, just tell you I can relate to it.

I've been on the receiving end of so much hell that therapist's that have treated me relate it to the torture of the Jews by the Nazi doctors and they did not say that lightly. I was experminted on by a doctor and almost died at his hands. 119 counts of negligence later and he now hands out valium to little old ladies. Yes, we did pursue his license.

My therapist thinks many of the health issues I am suffering from come from things he did.I suffer everyday from this man's torture but I do not hate him because to do so would give him control over the rest of my life and I do not want that man to take one more minute away from me. I now control what he did by controlling my life now.

And that is only one of the horrors I've lived through. And I do understand the shame and pain you speak about from a female point of view.

Jude I'm not gay, I can't understand that side of your life, but I think surviving torture and horrors no one should witness let alone live through is a human condition and crosses sexual lines so I hope you do not think I take your suffering lightly. I want to help you come through more of this in tact and I really believe fate brought us together so I could help guide you through some of this.

I'll give you my phone number if you ever want to talk. Just drop me a line.

My hugs go with this note And yes Beauty Shop was hysterical!

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