So the quick and the dirty is this: I feel a little bit better today, mostly because I've decided to turn off the parts of my heart and mind that are on overload. Thanks to Valium and a good nights sleep replete with good dreams, I feel better for now. I cannot handle all of this shit on me at once, so I choose (for the time being) to be in denial that there is anything at all wrong anywhere in my life or in the lives of those I love. Maybe that's not the most healthy thing I could do, but I'm teetering on the verge of something really bad and so I choose this as a better alternative to that. I thank all of those that have called, text messaged, emailed, and commented with well wishes, prayers, good energy, and the like. It is appreciated and has been really helpful. Right now I'm just biding my time until I can go home with D tomorrow after he gets off work for the weekend. Hurricane Dennis is scheduled (for the time being anyway) to make a beeline for us Friday or Saturday, I'm looking forward to whatever it brings. Two things I love, my time alone with him and thunderstorms. Of course, this time we'll make sure to unplug all technological devices before anything else gets fried out.
I've been meaning to write this for a while, I've just not done it for one reason or another. These days, keeping my train of thought intact for longer than a few minutes is a monumental task, but I wanted to chronicle my feelings about D and our relationship. I have asked this man to marry me, something I never thought I would ever do with anyone, so I think this all deserves its share of attention for being the monumental thing it is. Those of you who know us personally, who have spent time with us in the presence of one another already know how we're essentially each one half of a greater whole. We've built something that is so incredible and beyond anything I ever thought I deserved that at times I have so suspend disbelief and remind myself that this is real and that it is what we deserve. He is without question the best thing that has ever happened to me, hands down. In a life full of amazing experiences, some dreadful and some the best life has to offer, I can say that and know that it is true. There is nothing that compares to the impact and influence this amazing man has on me, which is part of the reason why I know that there is no life for me without him in it.
A little back story for those new to this journal. In April of 2002, I was working as a radio DJ. I was working one night at the station, completely bored out of my mind, and decided to waste some time online. After writing in this journal, reading friends' posts, kicking ASS in Rock & Roll Jeopardy Online, I went to gay.com reluctantly just to see if there were anyone online at the time worth talking to. There was no agenda and I certainly wasn't looking to date anyone. I'd spent about 9 years alone and independent of any kind of romantic or emotionally intimate relationship. I'd long since given up on this notion that there was someone for me that way. I didn't need, want, or require that. Friends had tried in vain to get me to date here and there for years, and it never ended up being a good idea. All I needed outside of my friends was sex, no emotional entanglements and no complications. I was perfectly content with that and it worked for a long time. I wasn't mising out on anything, all my fundamental needs were being met. Mind you that four months prior to this particular evening, I had been attempting to cultivate something more than sex with someone I'd met - and it ended disastrously. I'm completely out, he'll never be, and fuck that noise. I'm athiest, he's a former youth pastor and devout Christian, sealing forever my choice that I'd never e able to make a 'relationship' of this scope workable with someone who is religious. Aside from sex, we had absolutely nothing in common and I have no idea what I was thinking. So anyway, I noticed this guy in a local chatroom, read his profile, saw many common interests, and lo and behold - he's also an athiest. So I messaged him. He didn't believe I worked in radio, so I asked him to tell me something to say on the air, some kind of code word or something, for my next talk break - which I did, and then we agreed to meet face to face. After more small talk, we agreed to meet the next day in person, and have been inseparable ever since.
Three years, two months, and six days later, I'm holding him in my arms in the presence of friends, family, and complete strangers after he said "Yes" and put the ring on. And having all kinds of people come up to congratulate us, which is both weird and amazing. And I know now that everything I never thought I would ever want to have for myself is now what sustains me for the most part. He's proven so many things to me, opened me up to things I shut myself out of, and been eager to learn from me as well. He's brought remarkable people into my life and into our family, and friends I might not have otherwise. It took over two years for me to get over my own bullshit and tear down some walls to let him in, but we stuck it out together and I'm thankful for that - especially considering the times I came to doubt us and told myself that this relationship would not be permanent, but I still had things to learn and was not going to give up.
We've never really fought, ever. Well, if you don't count the time he tried to run me over in his truck, but that was acidental on his part. Tempers do flare now and then, and we have disagreements, but we've never really had a 'fight' before. I think that's significant, considering just how hotblooded I am. It takes a lot to piss me off, even more to make me angry, and only when I'm angry do I lose my shit. It's only happened in the presence of a couple of people, thankfully. We don't really fight because we communicate so well. We're constantly bouncing ideas off of one another and striving to see that each other's needs get met. We make exceptions for one another and never make a decision about anything without first considering how it might affect the other. That's been wired into us for a long time actually, so it's more second nature at this point. Plus, he makes me laugh - a lot. He's so goofy, but in the most charming way imaginable. He's got this razor sharp wit, and is very disarming. It also doesn't hurt that he's one of the most handsome people you'd ever get the good fortune to look at.
Bottom line, I choose him and only him. Not above all others, not in spite of anyone or anything else, but because he was made for me and I was made for him. He makes everything better. No matter what happens to either of us in the future, I know that I've found my soulmate - in as much as there is such a thing. No one could ever compare to that, nothing will ever be better than this, and there isn't a person on earth I'll ever choose over him. And unless he finally gets tired of me or one of us dies, that's how it's going to stay, goddamnit.
My heart is with all of my friends in London and all over the UK, I ache for you all. My hope is that Blair and Parliament don't get trigger happy and bloodthirsty like some assholes I know and won't mention lest I be charged under the Patriot Act as a making terroristic threats, but that is unlikely. I hope they're better than that, I'm sure they will be. my arms around you all tonight and in the days coming as this unfolds more.