Brad Smith (jesus_h_biscuit) wrote,
Brad Smith



Also: Roseanne - The Complete Series Set 9 seasons and 222 episodes on 18 dvd's. only 100 sets produced.

Crystal: How do you like your marshmallows, Roseanne?
Roseanne: Like my men, crispy on the outside and stuck to the end of a fork.

Dan: What happened to Jimmy? I liked Jimmy.
Darlene: So did Becky, until he dumped her.
Becky: He didn't dump me!
Darlene: Get real, you hit the ground like a safe.

Nancy: Thank god we all brought our ovaries.

Dan's in jail
Dan: I don't have time for this.
Darlene: Oh, I think you do.

Darlene: Trust me, he goes in that room cause it's the only one with a lock on it, and he's in there for like an hour at a time. Which means he's either really, really good at it, or really, really bad at it!
Roseanne: Well I don't want you to give him any grief about this ya know, cause you could traumatize him and turn him into a serial killer!
Darlene: Well don't worry, how much damage could he do with only one free hand?

During a tornado
Roseanne: What's the worst that can happen? So the tornado picks up our house and slams it down in a better neighborhood.

Crystal: How do you like your marshmallows, Roseanne?
Roseanne: Like my men, crispy on the outside and stuck to the end of a fork.

Becky: All I have to do is count to ten.
Darlene: Don't wear mittens. It'll slow you down.

Dan: What a beautiful day - the kind of day that starts with a hearty breakfast and ends with a newsreader saying, "... before turning the gun on himself."

Roseanne: This is why some animals eat their young.

Darlene: No, I'm serious: I think we should get married.
David: Oh, I get it, now you're gonna tell me you're kidding.
Darlene: Nope. Now I'm gonna tell you I'm pregnant.

"Bad boy" Shawn tries to put his arm around Darlene
Darlene: Stop right there, Ponyboy. You and the rest of the Outsiders can just go rumble someplace else.

Darlene is on the phone
Roseanne: Get off, now.
Darlene: Why are you picking on me for?
Roseanne: 'Cause I can't find Becky.

on their new neighbors
Jackie: So, they're like, really old?
Roseanne: Well, lets just say they don't have trouble remembering where they were when President *Lincoln* was shot.

All of the kids have left for school
Roseanne: Quick, they're gone. Change the locks.

referring to Roseanne's PMS

during a tornado
Jackie: Roseanne, I wanna live.
Roseanne: Think it over.

Dan: Okay, we have thirty minutes to make this house clean.
Darlene: Rub a Lamp.

Becky: No one could eat this crud.
Dan: Hey, if you don't finish your crud, you're not gonna get any crap for dessert.

D.J.: Was I an accident?
Roseanne: No, D.J., you were a surprise.
D.J.: Oh. What's the difference?
Roseanne: Well, an accident is something that you wouldn't do over again if you had the chance. A surprise is something you didn't even know you wanted until you got it.
D.J.: Oh. Was Darlene an accident?
Dan: No, Darlene was a disaster.

D.J.: What's going on?
Becky: Got me.
D.J.: Mom, what's going on?
Roseanne: We're playing a game.
D.J.: Can I play?
Dan: No, you're too mature to play this game.

Roseanne: All human beings connect sex and love... except for men.

Roseanne: Your idea of romance is popping the can away from my face.

Having just met their new neighbor, Kathy Bowman
Jackie: Maybe she was a little uptight.
Roseanne: A LITTLE uptight? Hey, man you couldn't drag a needle out of her butt with a tractor.

Dan: You are really, *really* gettin' on my nerves today, man. I mean more than usual.

Bev: Where do you keep your citrus fruit?
Roseanne: I think there's an orange under the dryer...

Roseanne: Oh, isn't that sweet. My son just closed his first drug deal.

D.J.: I haven't said anything in two days. Nobody's cared.
Roseanne: Oh, that can't be.
D.J.: Uh-huh. The last thing I said was "Cheerios".

D.J.: Do we have to go in the Big and Fat store?
Dan: That's Big and TALL, DJ.

Darlene and Dan discuss her drug use
Darlene: Oh come dad, do you really think what I did was that bad?
Dan: Yes.
Darlene: Give me a break. You grew up in the 60's, I've seen the photo album. I mean those clothes had to have some pharmaceutical explanation.

Becky: What's all this fuss about Mother's Day? I don't remember us getting like a Kids' Day.
Dan: Someday, my precious angel, you too will be a parent and then you will realize that every day is Kids' Day.

Dan: Ah man, we're screwed.
Roseanne: No Dan. We are so far beyond screwed that the light from screwed will take 1 billion years to reach the earth.

Dan: Listen Bev, I need to borrow $5,000 until that house sells. Now you know I'd rather do anything than beg you for money. But you're the only person I know that can't possibly think any less of me.

to Roseanne

to Darlene and David
Roseanne: Welcome to Roseannadu.

Jackie: Mom drank while she was pregnant with us.
Roseanne: Oh Jackie, after a few months in Mom, we probably needed a shot or two.

Roseanne and Dan walk in on Darlene and David kissing
Roseanne: Oh, look, honey- our kids are necking.

after hearing a description of how breast reductions are done

discussing bad songs from the 70's
Roseanne: Remember "Baby, Baby, Don't Get Hooked on Me"? "I'll just use you then I'll set you free"? Use me and I'll set you on fire, you bastard.

Ronnie: Ooohhh, we all know what this is about don't we? You're just jealous because I've made something of myself.
Roseanne: Yeah, an ass.
Roseanne: And where did you get that hoity-toity accent from anyway? You're from Illinois.

Molly Tilden: They're so cute. Which one do you want?
Darlene: The one who'll kill you and stuff you into a trunk.

Sean tries to put his arm around Darlene
Darlene: Any part of you that touches me, you're not getting back.

Darlene: Can we get out of here? It's been like an hour and a half.
Molly: It's my car and I'm not ready to go. I'm still looking for the perfect guy, okay.
Darlene: Oh, it's a good thing we're in a parking lot full of drunken losers. It shouldn't be hard to spot that white horse.

Darlene: Oh man. I feel like I'm the middle of a really bad after school special.

Dan is upset because Darlene is late coming home from a rock concert
Dan: I'm gonna go stand in the middle of the street so the first thing she sees when she pulls up is my head exploding.

Roseanne: Molly, Molly, Molly. I have raised two of the best damn liars in the free world. Don't embarrass yourself.

Roseanne: I can't believe that I wasted 25 years hating you for something as stupid as a wedding, when there's a real good reason to hate you. You're a bitch.
Ronnie: I'm a bitch? Hah. I bow to the queen of all bitches.

Roseanne: Where the hell have you been?
Darlene: Trying to get home. That skank woman Molly left me stranded in the parking lot so she could jump in a van with some guys after the concert.

Dan: I don't care what your story is. The rule is you call.
Darlene: It was a bad neighborhood. When I finally found a phone booth I got tired of waiting for the guy in it to finish peeing.

Ronnie: Do you want to know why I didn't want you to be a bridesmaid at my wedding? Because there wasn't enough tangerine chiffon in the whole state of Illinois to make your dress.
Roseanne: Good one.

Roseanne: Cut the crap, okay. You're talking to Darlene's mother, the mother of all mothers and she is majorly mad.

Roseanne was just talking about sexist stuff with Dan
to Darlene
Darlene: And I do it just as well as any man.

Becky: Why are you gettin' so mad at me?
Roseanne: Because you are making *me* defend *Mark*.

why Mark didn't hurry to get to the Connor's house
Mark: I didn't think there was a dinner time here. I thought it was just grazin' 24 hours a day.

Mark is studying for a test
Roseanne: Oh well, I hate to ruin the end of it for you, Mark, but he eats the green eggs and ham.

Mark failed a test
hands her the test
Roseanne: Well, it's really not as funny... now that we know it's true.

Darlene: To whom it concerns, Darlene's work will be late/ It fell on her pancakes and stuck to her plate./ To whom it concerns, my ma made me write this/ And I'm just her kid, so how could I fight this./ To whom it concerns, I lost my assignment/ Maybe I'll get lucky, solitary confinement./ To whom it concerns, Darlene's great with the ball/ But guys don't watch tomboys when they're cruising the hall./ To whom it concerns, I just turned thirteen/ Too short to be quarterback, too plain to be queen./ To whom it concerns, I'm not made of steel/ When I get blindsided my pain is quite real./ I don't mean to squawk, but it really burns./ I just thought I'd mention it, to whom it concerns...

Dan: You're in my way, Mark. Do you want to move or do you want me to move you?

Mark: God, everyone's so afraid of getting sick, nobody'll even come near me. I feel like a leopard.

why she doesn't want to kick Becky and Mark out
Roseanne: Well, I just hate to see them struggle.
Dan: Fair enough - we won't visit them.

Mark: I'm sorry for making you sick, Mrs. Connor.
Roseanne: Oh, it's not your fault, Mark. Becky never should'a married you.

to Darlene, about drug use
Roseanne: There are better ways to aggravate us than by frying your brain cells. Look at Becky: she never did drugs. She married Mark.

D.J.: I thought it was good to be a man.
Dan: Oh no, not since the 1960s.

Roseanne: The only thing I've ever wanted for my kids is that they're happy... and that they're out of the house, and I tell you something, happy ain't that important.

Roseanne: He's got that thing were he wants DJ to carry on the Connor name. I told him that Becky would probably have a few kids before she was married, and they'd be Connors, but that didn't help him any.

Kathy: Good? What do we have here? So far we've eliminated Jimmy Mullins and Bob Hope.
Roseanne: Well, I didn't see the driver, that could've been Bob Hope.

Kathy: I'm in hell.
Roseanne: Nah, you're just in Lanford. Same zip code though.

Roseanne: Ya know Lanford's not a bad town. You just gotta go with it more... fit in.
Kathy: And what does that mean, Roseanne? Am I suppose to wonder around town in a tacky house coat and flip-flops with my hair in curlers?
Roseanne: Now you're getting it. Yeah. Absolutely. And then I'll throw us one of these here tupperware parties and then I'll introduce you to THE OTHERS.
Kathy: What are you talking about?
Roseanne: Oh, we all use to be like you Kathy. Angry, bitter, annoying... but now... we're the Lanford Wives.
Kathy: Goodbye, Roseanne.
Roseanne: Oh, it's useless to try and resist us Kathy, we already have Jerry - Jerry's one of us - Jerry joined the lodge.
Kathy: You're a sick woman Roseanne.
Roseanne: Oh, you'll start to love it, I promise Kathy. Just think about it... swap meets... bowling meets... bingo... double coupon week... casino night at the slaughter house. IT'S YOUR DESTINY.

Roseanne: You did too order salami. Yes ya did. Yes you did. Then why'd you take a big 'ol bite out of it?
on the phone
Roseanne: Eat it or wear it.

Roseanne: Can I help you?
Customer: Huh, yeah. Which is better, the tuna salad or the egg salad?
Roseanne: Tuna salad... egg salad... chicken salad... turkey salad... shrimp salad. What difference does it make? It's all just different words for mayonnaise. Pick one.

Leon Carp: You love me, right?
Scott: I love you in a way that is mystical and eternal and illegal in 20 states.
Leon Carp: That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.

Becky is moving out
Darlene: I love you, Becky.
Becky: I love you too, Darlene.
Darlene: Did you ever know that you're my hero?
Becky: You are the wind beneath my wings.

Roseanne: Here I am, 5 o'clock in the morning, stuffing breadcrumbs up a dead bird's butt.

Darlene: I'm not moving to D.J.'s room so she and my dork-in-law can create some demon spawn in my bed!

Roseanne: You would not believe the day she's having. First her car breaks, then a kitchen fire. The way her luck is going, I wouldn't be surprised if the next thing that happens is some irate mother of three jams a skanky little dog down her throat.

D.J.: Darlene says I'm a prevert.
Roseanne: No, you're not a prevert, DJ, you're a pervert.

Roseanne: Well it is every mother's dream to get a good look at her daughter's boyfriend's package.

Roseanne: Well I'll snap your spine in half like a potato chip, ya bitch!

Darlene: I was gonna run away but I didn't need Rozilla leveling Chicago to find me.

Darlene: Were you a virgin when you married Dad?
Roseanne: Yes I was!
Darlene: Really?
Roseanne: Absolutely, I still am.
Darlene: Oh, so you weren't.
Roseanne: No... no.
Darlene: Wow, my mom's a big tramp.

Dan: You're acting like a crazed psychopath.
Roseanne: The voices in my head disagree.

Becky: Darlene you just shouldn't let sex rule your life
Darlene: You know, thats the same speech mom gave me. Except you left out the part "... or you'll end up like Becky".

Roy: So you want something to drink?
Roseanne: Yeah thanks, I think a tumbler of penicillin would really hit the spot.

Dan: Oh we've just gotta have that kid over more often. He makes our other kids less odd.
Roseanne: I think every kid on earth looks less odd next to Elijah Minelli.

Darlene: DJ's finally got a friend that's not imaginary.

Roseanne: Well we ought to be able to handle this okay. I mean, ya know, it's just masturbation.

Dan: Ah Fred. When doing a background check on a girlfriend it's rarely wise to ask the brother-in-law. Especially when his wife is the ham-fisted Roseanne.

Becky: I just don't think you should be getting rides from my old boyfriend.
Mark: What, you weren't done riding him yet?

David: Just leave me alone.
Dan: I can't.
David: Why can't you?
Dan: Well I gotta good reason. And that good reason is barreling right towards this house right about now about 70 miles an hour in a 55 zone slurping a Big Gulp.

to D.J

Mark: I don't understand why the weather man puts up a sun with a little smiley face on it... I mean just because its sunny... doesn't mean your going to be happy...

Dan: You don't have to lie for me, I'm not afraid of my own wife.
Fred: Oh, have you remarried?

Roseanne: Marriage stinks, with a capital SUCK.

Darlene and Becky are babysitting
Darlene: I'll feed, you wipe.

DJ took inappropriate material to school
Roseanne: It must have been Dan's Playboys or our credit report.

Roseanne: Talking - it's like yelling, only not as loud.

to David, who doesn't want Darlene to leave home

Nancy: What do you guys think of this baby carriage? Does it make me look fat?

Dan: Hey Roseanne. I just saw all the animals in the neighborhood running in circles, so I guess that means your mother will be arriving soon.
Roseanne: Hold the knife steady Dan. I keep missing my wrist.

Roseanne: Jackie we can get more boxes. I will whore myself at every grocery store in town if that's what it takes.

after David tries to thrown Dan out of his room
David: Go to hell!
Dan: Hey! You don't talk to me that way. I came down here to help you, boy.

to D.J

Roseanne: You're doing that play and that's all there is to it.
D.J.: Well dad said I didn't have to and dad outranks you.
Roseanne: Are you new?

Darlene: What are you doing here?
Roseanne: It's Parent's Day and your birth mother Morgan Fairchild couldn't make it.

Roseanne: I just put Becky in charge. That's like putting Fredo in charge of the Corleone Family.

Dan: Roseanne and demand. Two words that go together like waffle iron and forehead.

their father has just died
Jackie: I can't call people, Roseanne!
Roseanne: Jackie... dial!
Jackie: I'm supposed to be in mourning.
Roseanne: Well then wear a veil over your face while you do it!
dials the phone

Roseanne: That is not funny! You're grounded until menopause!
Darlene: Yours or mine?
Roseanne: Your father's!

Perfume counter saleswoman: Do you know what the fastest way to a man's heart is?
Roseanne: Yeah... through his chest.

Roseanne: Okay, new subject. Um, Dan, how was your day at work?
Dan: Well, today was a special one for me. It was the 179th day in a row where I did exactly the same thing!

D.J. is screaming and running up the stairs
D.J.: Mom was just telling me a story I don't want to hear anymore!
Dan: Well that's no reason for you to go running out of the room screaming like a maniac!
D.J.: It was about her having her period!
Dan: As you were.

Fred: All right, how many people did you date before you met me?
Jackie: Well, do you mean dated at all or dated seriously?
Fred: I mean seriously.
Jackie: Oh, I'd say only a few.
Fred: Good... not that I mind if you've slept with lots of guys...
Fred: Well I guess not.
Jackie: Fred, it's not that many. I'd say three a year.
Fred: Since you were what? Eighteen?
Jackie: Come on Fred, it's not THAT many! Let's see, three a year for 20 years is... 60... wow.
Fred: Wow... I don't even KNOW 60 people...
Jackie: Well... I didn't KNOW all of them.


Jackie: You know, us cops have a saying... you never pull a dead man out of a seatbelt.
Darlene: So what, do you just leave them there?

Darlene and Becky are taking care of a baby who won't stop crying
Darlene: Maybe he needs to be changed.
Becky: I changed him five times already.
Darlene: Well maybe you did it wrong and gave him a wedgie.

D.J.: There's nothing to do without TV.
Jackie: Oh, well that's not true. When we were your age we played outside with the neighborhood kids, built tree forts, dressed up dogs, all kinds of things.
Roseanne: Dressed up dogs?
Jackie: Yeah... little white dog with a black eye.
Roseanne: That wasn't us! That was The Little Rascals!
Jackie: Ohhh yeah.

D.J.: I just had some questions about God and stuff.
Roseanne: Well why didn't you come to us if you had questions? There are no two better people to answer your questions than me and your dad.
D.J.: Okay... what religion are we?
Roseanne: I have no idea... Dan?
Dan: Well... my mom's mom was Pentacostal and Baptist on the side of my dad. Your mom's mom was Lutheran and her dad was Jewish.
D.J.: So what do we believe?
Roseanne: Well... we believe in... being good. So basically, we're good people.
Dan: Yeah, but we're not practicing.

Roseanne is cooking bacon
Becky: I'm serious, mother. Bacon is loaded with grease, nitrates, sodium... and animal FAT!
calling to the family, cheerfully

Darlene: Well, just as Becky completes the line, "I'd like to thank the student council for allowing me to speak my mind," it happened.
Roseanne: What happened?
Darlene: Becky... cut... the cheese.

Dan: Have you considered getting a gun for the diner?
Roseanne: Oh, there's a great idea. A loaded gun in the same room as my mother and my sister. What if they miss each other and kill a customer?
Dan: Then they'll have to reload.

after Becky farts in front of the entire school

after Darlene asks her to tell Roseanne that she wants to go away to school for her

to Fred
Roseanne: We're sugar and spice and everything nice. So bite me!

Darlene asks Jackie to tell Roseanne that she wants to go away to school for her
Jackie: Fine, but you make sure you dedicate your first book to your beloved Aunt Jackie, who died in order for it to be written.

Roseanne: We're white trash, and we'll stay white trash till the day they haul us out to the curb.

Leon Carp: Roseanne what is all this?
Roseanne: It's a gay wedding!
Leon Carp: This isn't a wedding it's a circus! You have somehow managed to take every gay stereotype and roll them up into one gigantic, offensive, Roseanniacle ball of wrong!

Leon's Mother: Oh Roseanne. Leon has told me a great deal about you, but uh, the Polaroids didn't quite prepare me.
Roseanne: How wonderful it is that you were able to get that house off of you in time for the wedding.

to Dan and Nancy
Roseanne: Now you guys have to stall the guests and keep them entertained so I can go in the bathroom and talk to Leon. Now, if you hear any screaming, just tell everybody that Yoko Ono is warming up.

discussing Nancy
Roseanne: On the inside she's just a scared little girl.
Dan: Yeah and I know what's scaring her, the raging bitch on the outside.

Roseanne: Hey Dan, if you're still gay I could go for a mimosa and some eggs florentine.
Dan: I don't cook for you. I'm Fred's bitch

Jackie: I've got no one. No friends, no family. Nobody. It's just me. Just me and my ganja.

to D.J

Darlene: WOW! Nancys a lesbian. Did she tell you?
Roseanne: NO! We read, HI! I'M A BIG DYKE! on her bumbersticker.

Roseanne: Dan, I have to tell you something, but you have to remain nice and calm.
Dan: Uh oh, what is it?
Roseanne: Dan, WE WON THE LOTTERY!

Roseanne: Seriously, Ma, you gotta believe in God! I mean... There just HAS to be a God! I'd hate to think that after a lifetime of hideous crap and unending suffering, all the stupid stuff I've had to go through, and then at the end there's no explanation or reason! There HAS to be a God, or else I got screwed!
Jackie: Oh, jeez, why are we talking about God and religion? It's Christmas!

Becky: Hey, I got a call saying to come here right away.
Narrator: The role of Becky, played by Lecy Goranson, Sarah Chalke, and Lecy Goranson, will be played this evening by Sarah Chalke.
Roseanne: We're going to Disney World!
Becky: Really! Oh my God.
Roseanne: Yeah. Aren't you glad you're here this week.

Darlene: What is wrong with this family!
Roseanne: Your father and I are really brother and sister.

Roseanne: You two are gonna be loving sisters like me and Jackie!
Darlene: Okay.
to Becky
Darlene: I'll sleep with every guy in town and you gain 400 pounds.

D.J.: What's a virgin?
Darlene: You in forty years.

both Dan and Roseanne are out of their jobs
Roseanne: And do you have anything to say?
Darlene: Can I have a pony?

Darlene: You're cutting school? But you like school, remember? You're a geek!
Becky: I gotta help Mark find a job.
Darlene: That's a great idea! I'll cut too and help him find his shoes!

Roseanne: Well, Arnie, a lot of things have changed in this town since you left.
Arnie Thomas: Oh, yeah? Like what?
Roseanne: Well, Nancy is a lesbian, and we have a new Lenscrafters.
Dan: Whoa, whoa... come again?
Roseanne: That's right, Dan. Contact lenses and glasses in less than an hour!

to Becky on the first episode featuring Sarah Chalke in the role

to DJ

after DJ's pushy girlfriend leaves
Dan: I don't know. But the dark prince takes many forms.
Roseanne: I like her!

discussing their affair in high school
Phyllis Zimmer: Did Roseanne ever find out about us?
points to his teeth

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