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Oh for fuck's sake... 
13th-May-2005 09:46 am
Dear Readers;

I'm not sure who knows about this, but the fact is that as long as there have been penises and public parks, people have been having depraved, unnatural sex in them. Good sex, bad sex, str8 sex, homo sex. I know this is going to come as a shock to many people, but I feel it is my duty alongside, and in unshakable solidarity with, my Utahan bretheren to expose the ugly truth about the most dangerous kind of sex there is, even more dangerous than (...gulp...) buttsex - now brace yourselves, there is no easy or delicate way to put this, so I'm just going to say it. It's taking over and it must be stopped, I tell you - STOPPED, I SAY! My apologies, It's just that my delicate sensibilities can only take so much. The danger I speak to warn you of is... consensual sex... MEDIC!! CODE CHASTITY, STAT!! WE HAVE A PURITAN DOWN, I REPEAT, A PURITAN IS DOWN!!

We must do everything within our powers to cease the insanity of recreational sex for pleasure before our teenage children fall prey to its temptations! DAMNIT MAN, THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!! Do you really want your teenagers to grow up in an environment that allows free sexual function at will, a response to their unnatural urges simply because hormonal changes within the body are occuring all of the time that signal the pleasure centers in the brain to create fire in one's genitals? Should we not insist on repression and regression so that our continuing, collective efforts to keep this lustful savagery on the straight and narrow until a man is older, having suppressed his carnal, animal lust until he is forced to seek anonymous gratification from strang... Wait, I confused myself, which is exactly what these devils want!

We simply cannot allow the free will of one person to copulate with another merely for the purpose of satisfying intense yearnings and/or desires, that's just crazy talk! Everytime a person engages in lascivious, copulatory concupiscence, God gives an old lady cancer! Think of the Grannies while you read and watch video of this shocking undercover exposé.

Disturbing Behavior at Family Park

A favorite family recreation spot with a darkside.

Tonight - we show you, what our undercover cameras caught, out in the open. (click the image to watch in Real Player)

Debbie Dujanovic joins us, live ... with this Eyewitness News Investigation.

What we caught on tape goes on here, all day long, everyday.

That's why we went undercover.

To warn you -- about the secret-side of this public playground.

The Jordan River Parkway --- a quiet escape in the heart of Salt Lake County - for walking, biking, hiking.

Local goverment spends millions of tax dollars here - paving, maintaining, tables, bathrooms, bridges.

Miles of trail winding along the Jordan River.

But there's a secret side to this public place...

Also see accompanying story:
The Secret Side of the Playground: Parts I and II
(Deleted comment)
13th-May-2005 01:56 pm (UTC)
Indeed, and I just had it on a picnic table too, so...
(Deleted comment)
13th-May-2005 02:10 pm (UTC)
hummmm.... a picnic at the Pickle Park...
13th-May-2005 02:20 pm (UTC)
MMMM... Pickles...
13th-May-2005 02:14 pm (UTC)
*dies laughing*

I bet that's in Utah. Salt Lake county? Utah is infamous for that. Highest teenage pregnancy rate in the country, I believe. When my sister graduated from HS in 1986, she and her best friend were the only girls in their class who hadn't already had a baby or were pregnant at graduation. And meanwhile all the parents are closing their eyes, not giving out birth control or condoms, and pretending it doesn't exist (even though they did the same thing).
13th-May-2005 02:22 pm (UTC)
In case you missed it, this is my surprised face:

(Deleted comment)
13th-May-2005 02:34 pm (UTC)
lmao!! I especially love them mentioning witnessing a 'sexual act' even from chopper 5!!
(Deleted comment)
(Deleted comment)
13th-May-2005 02:42 pm (UTC)
You know, taken another way, this news report can easily be seen as "If you want to get laid, here's where to go". Hey, I've suddenly got a bunch of new tourist destinations for my next visit to the States! ;)

I like how they said that these parks are dangerous, even for police officers. Oh my god, you might get groped! And in one sentence, it says these guys hide in the bushes, so that no one can see them, and in the next sentence, they're apparently doing it right in front of the children.

BTW, your post was a riot!
13th-May-2005 03:42 pm (UTC)
Um, hello, look who just joined! *snickers, bows gratefully*

Now come over here to this playground swing, the shirt in your icon gives me an idea and I need to show you something...

(Deleted comment)
13th-May-2005 03:43 pm (UTC)
What a small, small world!
13th-May-2005 03:52 pm (UTC)
When I came out in Utah in 1988, this sort of thig was frowned on as really bad PR by the people trying to claim gays are like everyone else. OK, granted, it's tacky behavior, but when I was younger this sort of thing was kind of exciting. I never wanted to have sex in front of other people, I just wanted to find horny guys, and clearly if you are willing to fuck a stranger in a park you are horny enough for my tastes.

I'v never held much truck with the "gays are like everyone else" theory, and frankly I don't think being like everyone else is something to aspire to. I'd also like to add that it's not just straight society pushing closeted married guys into park sex, it's the ageist gay bar culture that pushes men who don't have the good taste to age gracefully into finding sex where they can. Trolls need to nut once in a while, too.

But let me be clear about my opinions here - sex in public restrooms and parks is tacky. Plus the stains never come out of the knees in your jeans.
13th-May-2005 03:53 pm (UTC)
I love you, I swear I do.
13th-May-2005 05:21 pm (UTC)
*dies* That right there makes the news worth watching. ;)
13th-May-2005 05:27 pm (UTC)
What bugs me about this is they are using words like "dangerous" to describe this place. Cops don't want to deal with it because it makes them uncomfortable. It's not dangerous, for fuck's sake. If it were a bunch of guys and girls getting together for a hit on the picnic table, it would have been delivered more tongue-in-cheek. In fact, I would have preferred it that way:

"This is ONE place don't want to end up caught with your pants down...
" A veritable 'Gaper's Block' from cruising through this section of the park has caused a lot of folks to be rear-ended... Back to you, Susan...

And, you know, just as an aside...although the picnic table is the BEST height for easy access, those damn wooden ones are a fucking nuisance!

Er... you guys don't mind if I make reference to a bit of "normal human" sex, do ya? :D

13th-May-2005 06:07 pm (UTC)
please forgive my "Drive By"..you're on my roomies Friend's List (princesslarry)...and I just wanna say..
BuWaaaaahahah! Let's hear it for the Mormons!
Your rant was so right on..I couldn't have said it better myself!
Thanks for making me laugh today..I needed it!
17th-May-2005 03:09 pm (UTC)
It figures....KSL-TV is owned by Bonneville Communications, a for-profit company owned by the LDS (Mormon) Church.
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