Brad Smith (jesus_h_biscuit) wrote,
Brad Smith

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Moody, cryptic drama ahead, my most hated of all things self indulgent, please be advised.

Normally I'm an open book. Practically anyone that knows me well enough can read my emotions just by looking me in the face if they're paying enough attention. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and invariably I bleed all over myself as a result. I cannot help it, it is who I am. I don't think it is possible to be too honest, even when that truth is jagged and quite capable of cutting someone, especially someone you care about. The difficulty lies in not knowing when it appropriate to ask for and/or give that honesty, especially when it feels like a blade held at your throat, or a blade you're holding at someone else's. I lose sleep over these things. I fixate on these kinds of things so much that I cannot eat sometimes. What to ask, what to say, when to do all of that.

I may pretend otherwise every now and then, but I do get my feelings hurt on rare occaisions and it's harder to let that sort of thing go when I do because it sticks with me longer and therefore requires a longer let-go time. I'm not good at hiding my emotions, but I'm a master at covering up my hurt. I learned a long time ago out of necessity how to do that, so at this point in my life it has become second nature. I can sit at the dinner table eating my banquet of frustration without complaint, and smile at you while underneath I'm pinching myself so hard I draw blood, and even though I never do that sort of thing anymore it doesn't change the fact that I can. You can look me all over on the outside and not find a single scratch on me, but just turn me inside out once in a blue moon and I'm in pieces.

Nothing hurts more than not knowing. Nothing hurts as much as what your mind will invent as a substitute for what you should already know. And while it is not in my nature to be this intentionally cryptic, I'm also scared to death of making a mountain out of a molehill and subsequently making a fool of myself, which never bothers me at normal times - even though I know I'm just as fallible as the next person and despite my efforts to be better than that. Because I think you should strive to be a better person than what is expected of you. Accepting mediocrity might wear well on others, but not on me.

Maybe I'm just harder on myself than I should be. Maybe I just think and read too much into things. Maybe I'm just fucked up, maybe more than I deserve to be. Maybe I really am cursed (as I've long suspected) with inherently knowing already what people find too difficult or lack the courage to tell me. Maybe it is all of that and I just haven't found a way to make it all okay for myself. There are always the possibilities you don't consider, what I call the "random fuck-all variables". I just hope that they reveal themselves soon so I can put this goddamned fork down, leave the table, and throw my plate in the sink.

Anna Nalick - Breathe (2 AM)

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
can you help me unravel my latest mistake,
I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track,we're like cars on a cable
and life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button girl,
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe,
Woah breathe, just breathe

May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
Just a day, he sat down to the flask in his fist,
Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year.
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him, maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe, just breathe,
Woah breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout
'Cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
These mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, its no longer
inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
oh breathe, just breathe.
Tags: introspection
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