| I tell D that I needed the break from feeling down, and that I wasn't going to think about anything that is bothering me. He's in a bit of a funk as well, so I was trying to be encouraging for the both of us. I could be sad if I let myself think too much, so the alternative was to keep myself busy with the things I need to take care of and stay occupied. So what happens the minute I stop to take a quick moment for myself? The same thing that invariably always happens, the thing I try hardest not to think about is right there staring me in the face, sort of tauntingly as if it wanted to say "You can try all you want, I didn't go anywhere. I can still make you feel like complete shit anytime I want to, so there."
So now everytime I finish a thought, there it is making me sick to my goddamned stomach. I swear, sometimes I cannot win for fucking losing. Now I'm all frustrated and my heart is in my throat, and I wonder why I even bothered getting out of fucking bed today if this is what I would end up feeling like. I tried so hard not to let this happen today, I really did. - Music:You Don't Know Me - Ray Charles
|
D
I hope things get better. And do remember, whether you choose to act on this knowledge or not, that the people who love you are there to go through all that shit with you, and happily, because we'd much rather be down in the ditch with you to help you get out than standing above on the edge watching you struggle but not able to reach you.
I know there are some things that everyone has to handle on their own. But don't try to do that just because you don't want it to affect those you love. You aren't doing us any favors - we'd much rather struggle with you.
I know how "life stuff" can be. And, I also know that much of what we perceive as drama is really just our own amplification of the situation. There's a Zen Buddhist saying that goes, "Whatever you think is delusion." Our minds take situations and events and make them worse or better than they really are.
I'd suggest that you find a quiet place and welcome those feelings of despair. They won't hurt you, they're only feelings. Look at them, examine them, be with them. They are a part of you, then, after a time, let them go. Then, I hope you can find peace.
Namaste.
As a human being, you are allocated 5 minutes a day of self-pity to give to yourself. So, give yourself the opportunity to wallow in it for 5 minutes, and 5 MINUTES ONLY. Once you are done, start thinking about solutions...
I am going to be blunt here too. Sometimes when we feel like we are burdening others by sharing our issues, that just allows us to perpetuate the cycle of victim playing. To be honest, I have done lots of treatment over the years and havent had the most exciting of lives, but I do know that my friends burdens can be lifted or alleviated when I talk to them. Just let a friend or someone close to you take your burdens, thoughts, and emotions, and put them in a box for awhile. And when the come back, your friend already has that box to open and put some more in.
Anyways, I hope I am not crossing the line in telling you this...
You've crossed no lines here, but I guard my emotional privacy like a tigress does her cubs.
We don't really know eachother, but if your friends aren't around or something
and you are feeling bad and need someone to listen, I'm good at that.
Unfortunately I don't think we can make it to Riverfest. You have no idea how much that breaks my heart. Well if anyone does, you do.
Love,
Nettie
Hey, we can't always do everything we want to do, but there is always a better time - right? I don't mean for that to sound as rhetorical as I'm sure it does, but you get what I'm saying.
kthxbye.
Thanks for the email! I really appreciate the response!!! I do plan on responding but wanted to post first... to keep inline with the topic and post this link....
http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0504/14/lkl.01.html
Did anyone catch this? It was last week and made for interesting entertainment (if you can call it that) while I was on the elliptical. Nonetheless, it did pass the time.....
B