Brad Smith (jesus_h_biscuit) wrote,
Brad Smith
jesus_h_biscuit
  • Music: You Don't Know Me - Ray Charles

Once again, fuck me.

I tell D that I needed the break from feeling down, and that I wasn't going to think about anything that is bothering me. He's in a bit of a funk as well, so I was trying to be encouraging for the both of us. I could be sad if I let myself think too much, so the alternative was to keep myself busy with the things I need to take care of and stay occupied. So what happens the minute I stop to take a quick moment for myself? The same thing that invariably always happens, the thing I try hardest not to think about is right there staring me in the face, sort of tauntingly as if it wanted to say "You can try all you want, I didn't go anywhere. I can still make you feel like complete shit anytime I want to, so there."

So now everytime I finish a thought, there it is making me sick to my goddamned stomach. I swear, sometimes I cannot win for fucking losing. Now I'm all frustrated and my heart is in my throat, and I wonder why I even bothered getting out of fucking bed today if this is what I would end up feeling like. I tried so hard not to let this happen today, I really did.
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