Brad Smith (jesus_h_biscuit) wrote,
Brad Smith

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Sometimes, there just aren't enough rocks.

After a very emotionally tumultuous week, I'm getting a little welcomed clarity. I didn't stop by any bar at 3AM seeking solace in a bottle or possibly a friend for it either, though both would have been equally welcomed. I owe it all to my amazing partner who never ceases to give me pause with how completely, unbelievably beautiful he is. There is very little in life that a person who loves you wholly cannot make better - just by holding you and letting you cry. It's astonishing, just when I think I don't know how to get him closer to my heart, he says or does the unexpected thing that makes me realize I don't give him the credit he deserves. Life is all about the learning, though.

The depression is still somewhat place like a bad muscle spasm that doesn't want to let go, but I believe more today than I have in a week and change that I'm just out of sorts and going through some emotional stuff and not backsliding into some abyssmal horror that wants to swallow me whole and then spit the bones back out. I still feel anxious and nervous, and a little like there's a bomb about to go off nearby and I don't have any safe place to hide. I have to admit, that sucks less than feeling like I'm walking around in another somebody's random, meaningless dream - and at any moment that person will awake and I'll simply disappear in the air like smoke does, and they'll forget they ever even dreamed me. So comparatively, this is better. Look, I am trying to be optimistic and make the best of a bad situation. I still feel somewhat melancholy and weary, but even that has taken on less of an all-consuming feel since yesterday. The allergies are still very bad, I think I've taken two layers minimum of skin off my nose with the constant regimen of sneezing fits and subsequent noseblowing.

I've got a few close friends I'm worried about for varied reasons, all in some stage of need, desperation, grief, or other various and sundry things. You all know who you are and you all know that I love you with all of my worth - even those of you who may not think I do. It doesn't matter how long we've all known each other or whether or not we've ever even met in real life at all for me to want better things for you than you might want for yourself, and that's how I define love. Even if you think I don't know what is going on with you because you haven't come outright and said anything, you don't have to - I just know, okay? Leave it at that, the how and why are not important.

I've got a news post coming shortly, just a few interesting things here and there. I'm hopeful that today can be better for everyone I know who needs it. If you know I love you, then trust that it is enough to save us all from ourselves. If you need some of that, there's plenty to go around. I believe that it is only because of the love and affection I get from you people that I can climb out of this hole. I wish for as much hope and promise for us all. Whatever you're doing right now, I want you to stop - close your eyes - inhale as deeply as you can - exhale and say the following to yourself:
There is never a right time.
There is never a perfect time.
There is ALWAYS a better time.
Then repeat as necessary until you believe it.
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