Brad Smith (jesus_h_biscuit) wrote,
Brad Smith

Day 2 1/2

The highs and lows are coming fast, and I'm in the throes of uncontrollable crying fits every hour or so. I really hate this, especially since I hate crying. I was raised in a household with a father I longed to have the respect of, but crying didn't fit in to his plan of being a man. I was admonished for crying as a child, even as a teenager when standing over the freshly covered grave of my best friend he was insisting that I not cry. So I'm not necessarily blaming my father for the fact that I'm lachrimally constipated, but that's where my reluctance to cry (especially in front of others) began. As I've said before, if you ever see my crying, know that there's something very serious going on because it doesn't happen very often, and almost never in the presence of others.

It's at times like these that I'm acutely aware of how much grief I carry around and how unable to jettison it I am. That or it just feels that way. I normally don't feel this out of control, I'm usually pretty even tempered and together, so this is the penance I have to pay for being fine the majority of the time. Still, it's damned inconvenient and I'd just as soon be done with this and get back to being my usual self.

Cole is on spring break from school, so after I get the kids away from cartoons long enough I'm going to throw some playclothes on the both of them and we're all going outside to clean the backyard and play for a while. I'm going to tune my bike up and finish the last bit of housecleaning I didn't get around to yesterday. I need to shave off my goatee and get it down to the length of the beard I've decided to regrow, which is quite visible already. cantotre is coming over later this morning/afternoon to visit and learn some Photoshop stuff. By the way, Mikey - if you can't get me on the phone, just come on over and let yourself in through the side door. I'll either be inside or in the backyard. I'm going to get out in the sun and do my level best to have a really good day, then after D gets off of work this evening we're going to go to the movies I think.

I want to thank everyone that has sent me good energy and love, I wished I could get in-person hugs from each of you. Thanks to everyone who has called just to tell me that they love me and talk to me for a little while, and for not trying to cheer me up but instead just treating me as if everything were normal. That has meant more to me than you could know right now. I have the best friends in the world, I only wished a lot of you were geographically closer so I could give you nice big bearhugs.

I'm going to have a cup of tea before doing anything else, jasmine tea always makes me feel like I'm drinking a summer garden and planting the flowers in my belly, which always makes me relaxed and happy.

I send extra love, hugs, and good energy to my friend who is going to his doctor's appointment today, know that I'd go with you if I could. Don't worry, it's all going to be just fine like I told you. Don't forget to call or email me as soon as you can and let me know what you found out, I'll be waiting for you and we'll go from there.

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