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Day 2 1/2 
5th-Apr-2005 09:50 am
The highs and lows are coming fast, and I'm in the throes of uncontrollable crying fits every hour or so. I really hate this, especially since I hate crying. I was raised in a household with a father I longed to have the respect of, but crying didn't fit in to his plan of being a man. I was admonished for crying as a child, even as a teenager when standing over the freshly covered grave of my best friend he was insisting that I not cry. So I'm not necessarily blaming my father for the fact that I'm lachrimally constipated, but that's where my reluctance to cry (especially in front of others) began. As I've said before, if you ever see my crying, know that there's something very serious going on because it doesn't happen very often, and almost never in the presence of others.

It's at times like these that I'm acutely aware of how much grief I carry around and how unable to jettison it I am. That or it just feels that way. I normally don't feel this out of control, I'm usually pretty even tempered and together, so this is the penance I have to pay for being fine the majority of the time. Still, it's damned inconvenient and I'd just as soon be done with this and get back to being my usual self.

Cole is on spring break from school, so after I get the kids away from cartoons long enough I'm going to throw some playclothes on the both of them and we're all going outside to clean the backyard and play for a while. I'm going to tune my bike up and finish the last bit of housecleaning I didn't get around to yesterday. I need to shave off my goatee and get it down to the length of the beard I've decided to regrow, which is quite visible already. cantotre is coming over later this morning/afternoon to visit and learn some Photoshop stuff. By the way, Mikey - if you can't get me on the phone, just come on over and let yourself in through the side door. I'll either be inside or in the backyard. I'm going to get out in the sun and do my level best to have a really good day, then after D gets off of work this evening we're going to go to the movies I think.

I want to thank everyone that has sent me good energy and love, I wished I could get in-person hugs from each of you. Thanks to everyone who has called just to tell me that they love me and talk to me for a little while, and for not trying to cheer me up but instead just treating me as if everything were normal. That has meant more to me than you could know right now. I have the best friends in the world, I only wished a lot of you were geographically closer so I could give you nice big bearhugs.

I'm going to have a cup of tea before doing anything else, jasmine tea always makes me feel like I'm drinking a summer garden and planting the flowers in my belly, which always makes me relaxed and happy.

I send extra love, hugs, and good energy to my friend who is going to his doctor's appointment today, know that I'd go with you if I could. Don't worry, it's all going to be just fine like I told you. Don't forget to call or email me as soon as you can and let me know what you found out, I'll be waiting for you and we'll go from there.
5th-Apr-2005 02:04 pm (UTC)
lots of love to you
9th-Apr-2005 03:14 pm (UTC)
I appreciate it, hon.
5th-Apr-2005 02:07 pm (UTC)
Sounds, to me, like you're getting back in touch with the ability to express certain emotions which you've had to keep packaged up, all nice and neat and tidy, without letting them out. It's a good thing, I think, although being tender-hearted can be an odd experience and feeling if you haven't had it before. I've been there too, so I understand.

Just sort of allow whatever feelings to come up that need to come up but don't follow them or feed them. Experience them and let them go on their own.

It can be rather amazing.

Have a good day with your kids. I don't think I realized that you had children! That's great!
9th-Apr-2005 03:16 pm (UTC)
I'm emotionally constipated in many, many ways. I keep using that word, but it's the best description I have come up with for this. I have no problem expressing my anger, but frustration and sorrow are different animals.

Technically they're not my kids, but that hardly matters - love is love is love.
5th-Apr-2005 02:22 pm (UTC) - I'm sending
you thoughts of peace.

My depression was the hardest thing I had to overcome. Since 2003, I've been able to not have any major instances, but I still feel it on the edge... it tries to creep in and when that happens I have to find someway to redirect... getting outside is the best thing for me.

Be good to yourself... take the time you need, we'll be here for you.
9th-Apr-2005 03:17 pm (UTC) - Re: I'm sending
Thanks, sweetie - I really appreciate that.
5th-Apr-2005 02:59 pm (UTC)
I'm sending lots of good thoughts, love and hugs your way.
9th-Apr-2005 03:17 pm (UTC)
Thank you D, I appreciate it.
5th-Apr-2005 05:18 pm (UTC)
I wish you the best today, Jude. Hopefully everything will get better soon. *HUG*
9th-Apr-2005 03:17 pm (UTC)
Thanks, in time it'll al be fine I'm sure.
5th-Apr-2005 06:38 pm (UTC)

9th-Apr-2005 03:18 pm (UTC)
Thankies, M - I appreciate it.
5th-Apr-2005 09:25 pm (UTC)
screw peace...I'm sending you virtual sushi and large quantities of alcohol.
9th-Apr-2005 03:18 pm (UTC)
You know, not even sushi and the entire bottle of shiraz I drank by myself the other night are going to fix this. Thanks for the sentiment, though.
5th-Apr-2005 10:16 pm (UTC)
Good thoughts. Happy thoughts. Lots of hugs. Lots of laughter. Because it's almost as lovely as crying, but without the grief sitting on your chest.

9th-Apr-2005 03:19 pm (UTC)
Thanks, doll - I appreciate it.
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