Last night I was paid a visit by wsbsdrewnelson
, whom I haven't seen since the last Sugarland show, and didn't really get to talk to that much even then. It has been a long time since we just sat down and shot the proverbial shit. It made me realize just how much I've missed him, which was good. It also made me realize just how many of my current friends I've either fallen out of touch with or don't get many opportunities to speakto/spend time with, and how sad that makes me when I have a random moment to myself where nobody wants anything from me and I can think about my own stuff. I value my space, and in many instances I respect other people's space and try to give them as much of it as I can and that's what keeps me from constantly beating on people's doors, which I might be doing just to prove that I love them and that I'm always thinking of them even when they might not believe I am. Part of what I value most about LiveJournal is being able to use it as a tool of communication. I wished more of my true friends were on it.
I've been thinking a lot about my friend Melissa, whom I haven't seen in at least four years and have no number for. I cannot remember her married name, so trying to find her in the phone book is impossible. I've been thinking about the people I never know if I'm bothering or imposing on, so I try to maintain a sense of balanced distance and invariably fail in one respect or another. And I think about the others, the ones I took way too long to finally decide I had no love to give anymore once I admitted to myself that they weren't the decent people I expect all of my friends to be. Some by default, some by their actions, some simply because I have no way of dealing with them and it is far too exhaustive to continue trying. I know, we all have friends that make poor choice after poor, disastrously self destructive choice, and the only way to love them is to do it from a distance. I don't even know what category to put them in, I'll call it "radioactive" and leave it at that. I think about Mikki and Monica and Donna and Liz and how much I miss them all, and I don't know how we go for so long without speaking. I think constantly of my parents and the wall I've built around my life to keep them out, and I am so fucking clueless on that subject that I don't know what the hell to do with it. I guard it relentlessly, and if anyone tries to question me on it I get hyperdefensive. It feels like a no win situation, but so much is riding on it - so better I leave it alone, rather than push a button I shouldn't. The last thing I need is to start a nuclear war within my own bloodline.
"And you find that you’ve organised
Your feelings, for people
Who didn’t like you then
And do not like you now"
Dial-A-Cliche - Morrissey
Andrew told me that his romantic relationship with Jennie had finally run its course, but that they were still good friends for as difficult as the adjustment is being to transition into. As soon as he said it I felt sadness for them both, almost four years is a long time to invest into something, especially when the end result is not what you initially hoped it would be. I felt relief when he told me how this has actually made them bettter friends, if nothing else it means I won't worry about them. I stayed up late thnking about how lucky I am that I have the kind of relationship to D that I do. He may not understand me all of the time, which is mutual, but he understands what he needs to understand and that's more than I could have hoped for. I know that no matter what gets thrown at us, priority 1 is making sure we're okay at all costs. Fortunately we're both eager to always be there for the other and make the appropriate sacrifices without having to be asked, provided it's possible.
"You can't always get what you want.
But if you try sometimes
you might find
you get what you need."
You Can't Always Get What You Want - The Rolling Stones
So for anyone who has ever questioned my love for them or wondered why I've fallen out of touch, I ask you to remember that I'm human and fallible just like all of us. Life stuff happens, there are many reasons - sometimes I even get strung up for someone else's sin. The point is that I'm sorry if I've ever made you feel I didn't care in my absence. Allow me to make it up to you by pointing it out, and remember that occaisionally being thoughtless is not the worst thing I could do. Perhaps it's not that I"m not talking to you, but rather that you aren't talking to me. Either way, it's all unnecessary and you should know better of me. If not, call me on it and we'll go from there. If I'm at fault, I'll be the first to apologize. If I'm not, and you come at me with some bullshit, well you should know me better than that too. Your move, folks...
"Just wise owl tones no velvet lies
crush her velvet call
Oh Marlene suffer all the fools
who write you on the wall
And hold your tongue about your life
or dead hands will change the plot
Will make your loving sound like snakes
like you were never hot
Hot tears flow as she recounts
her favorite worded token
Forgive me please for hurting so
don't go away heartbroken, no"
Marlene Dietrich's Favourite Poem - Peter Murphy