- If you could have directed any film in history, what would you choose?
Fried Green Tomatoes
- If you won the lottery, what is the first thing you would do?
I'd arrange a meeting with those closest to me to inform them that they would be receiving trust funds as soon as I could have my attorney & trust officer draw them.
- If you could have been the lover of any person in history, who would you choose?
John F. Kennedy, Jr.
- If you could take revenge on one person who has wronged you with no recourse or retaliation, who would it be, why would they deserve it, and what would you do?
My uncle, for torturing me as a child. I'd place him on a tree stump, nail his genitals to the stump, take 100 steps back, run as fast as I could toward him, and knock his fat fucking pedophilic ass right fucking off, then put him right back on until every person that loves me had a chance to do the same, even after he'd bled to death.
- If you were to be a circus or carnival performer, what would you do?
- If you could see anyone alive fully naked, who would you choose?
- If you were to be a machine, what machine would you be?
A BMW 760Li
- What is your single worst fear?
I have a terrifying fear of heights
- If you could be a contestant on any game show, which would you like to be on?
Rock & Roll Jeopardy
- What is one of your favorite fantasies?
Being a cast member of Stomp.
- If you could eliminate one thing you do each day in the bathroom so that you would never have to do it again, what would you choose?
- If you could arrange a jam session with any three musicians in the world, who would you choose?
Jennifer Nettles, Emily Saliers, and Angie Aparo
- If you were to be a news correspondent posted to any foreign country, where would you like to go?
- If you could take away the vocal chords of anyone, who would it be?
Ann Coulter, the bitch.
- If you had to have one platonic friend witness your next sexual act, who would it be?
- If you could have prevented one event in history, what event would you eliminate?
The creation of the Bible
- What should the slogan of your town be?
"Welcome to Columbus, Proud Sponsor of the Bug Zapper!"
- If you could have been the producer of any television show or series, which one would you pick?
- If you had to give the three most important qualities of a good mate, what would they be?
Patience, understanding, respect
- If you could have changed on thing about the death of one of your relatives, what would you alter?
I'd have made it more painful, long and drawn out, and in complete solitude.
- If you could have changed one thing about your parents while you were a child, what would it have been?
I'd have made them more attentive and less self absorbed.
- If you could give a single piece of advice to the film industry in Hollywood, what would you say?
MORE FULL FRONTAL MALE NUDITY!
- If you could have three supernatural abilities, what would they be?
To be able to read minds, to be able to invisibly slap the shit out of people when they're being fucking stupid, and to be able to make people talk like Jim Carrey makes the newscaster talk in Bruce Almighty.
- If you could interview any outlaw figure in history, who would you choose?
Anton Szandor LaVey
- If you could give your parents one gift, what would you give them?
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