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3rd-Feb-2005 09:21 pm

What follows is some of the most difficult and honest writing I've done in years. It might sicken you, it might completely change the way you feel about me - and that is fine. I will offer no apologies for it, so don't expect one. Don't ask me who I'm talking about, because if you don't know then it's none of your business. While it may be impossible to comprehend, this was written out of love.

Guilty Conscience
For my beloved friend, who has waited too long for someone to say this.

Have a seat, Bother Of The Year
I know you want that beer that's just out of reach of your tethered hands
Sweating almost as much as you are
Don't try to struggle
Don't fight the rope
Because for as much as I'm getting off seeing you in pain,
I need you clear headed for this

Yeah, that beer sure would be good
But you can't have it
I have my reasons,
And you have no choice

I'm going to tell you a story
Make sure you listen up good
It's about blood, purple bruises, broken bones, scratches, burn marks,
And your namesake
Starting to sound familiar?

Pretend you don't know what I'm talking about, motherfucker - I fucking dare you
You don't need to see my face, and you're not going to
I have my reasons,
And you have no choice

Make sure you hear every word I say to you, you sick, loathesome, old fat fuck
You've never known fear like this before
Can you taste it?
The metallic taste of your own fear?
Get used to that taste
It will be your last memory of a meal before I'm through with you
I have my reasons,
And you have no choice

Imagine him, imagine he's a little boy again
Imagine the look he gives you trying to understand
How and why you could hurt him like you have
Burn that little face into your mind

Scream all you want, you unimaginable bastard
Kick, jerk, thrash about for all I fucking care
All you're doing is making it worse
Sit still and I promise I'll slide this blade out of you slowly
Hey, it's better than when push it in faster
You DO have a pretty big back after all
So much skin to cover,
So much flesh
This could take me hours, I'm afraid
You think I'm cowardly, stabbing you in the back?
You tell me, you are the authority on cowardice
I have my reasons,
And you have no choice

Everything you ever did to him
I'm doing ten times over to you
Only slower and more deliberate
I'm a perfectionist, you know
You wouldn't believe how much time I can spend
Getting the job done right
A lot of thought went into this time alone with you
I have my reasons,
And you have no choice

No scream is so loud as the one you cannot even hear
Choked out from the fear of you, of what you can do
Of what you already have done
Of what you might do
Can you finally hear it now?
You'll never NOT hear it after meeting me today

Time for you to be grateful, you insignificant fuckstain
Grateful he didn't send you to rot in a jail
With the countless opportunities you gave him
Grateful he's the man he is now, the complete opposite of you
Compassionate and selfless and generous almost to a fault
Because for as many reasons as he has to hate your motherfucking guts
He doesn't
Unlike me
Be grateful it wasn't me as your son
I'd have almost killed you so many times
You'd have begged me to just finish it
And I'd stare you in the eyes
And walk away with my back to you
So you could die or not
Knowing it was all the same to me
I have my reasons,
And you have no choice

Be grateful you had the sweetest little boy in the world
Who took everything you gave
And never made you pay one single cent for it

I'm never going away
I'm never leaving you alone
You made choices long ago that saw to that
You will never see my face
You will never know when I'm coming
You will never again have a moment's worth of peace
You gave me these reasons,
You had a choice
(Deleted comment)
4th-Feb-2005 03:35 am (UTC)
Thanks again for calling me the other day, J - it meant a lot to me! Glad I could make you laugh as well!
4th-Feb-2005 03:19 am (UTC)
I have no idea who or what or where - and don't particularly care.
I've had the sentiment myself many a time.

Unfortunately, the world is full of sick fucks who deserve much worse than you've even managed to get here.

My sympathy and respect to your friend - it's not easy being raised by a monster and to not go down that route yourself. Kudos to him. There's a special place reserved in whatever Hell exists for he bastard you describe in this tho.

Well said.
4th-Feb-2005 03:34 am (UTC)
Agreed on all points, and thank you.
4th-Feb-2005 03:31 am (UTC)
That looks like it was tremendously therapeutic, and tremendously helpful.
4th-Feb-2005 03:34 am (UTC)
I certainly hope so.
4th-Feb-2005 03:38 am (UTC)
I like it, Jude, not that it matters who likes it or who doesn't. Your vivid words are full of emotion, repressed anger, hurt and suffering. The imagery stands out strong in my mind because I, like many of us, have experienced some degree of pain and suffering in our lives. Each of us has shared your bold words...in our minds, our hearts and our very souls. Thank you for sharing your words.
4th-Feb-2005 06:19 pm (UTC)
Thank you for reading them!
4th-Feb-2005 04:28 am (UTC)
I Love You
4th-Feb-2005 06:18 pm (UTC)
I love you too, Mom.
4th-Feb-2005 04:53 am (UTC)
There are few who have ever meant more to me. Thank you for being you.
4th-Feb-2005 06:18 pm (UTC)
AWWW!! *tear*
4th-Feb-2005 11:50 am (UTC)
I can't see how this would change anyone's opinion about you, except maybe in a positive way. You are actually expressing something that many people feel and just don't know how to get it out. You have a talent for putting it into words. You're awesome. ;)
4th-Feb-2005 06:18 pm (UTC)
Thanks, sweetie - I appreciate that!
4th-Feb-2005 02:11 pm (UTC)
You almost made me cry. Your words brought back a lot of memories, in a way I hated it for what it made me think about. But I loved it more, because it made me proud.
4th-Feb-2005 06:17 pm (UTC)
Thank you, that is possibly the kindest thing anyone's said to me in a long, long time. How's life in Baghdad? My cousin is being stationed there soon.
5th-Feb-2005 01:21 pm (UTC)
Your absolutely welcome, luv. LOL, life in Baghdad. Where to start? It's ummm, shitty?? Naw, not really that bad as of right now. Just ready to go home. Almost there. Is your cousin with 3 ID?? Oh, mind if I add you??
5th-Feb-2005 02:20 pm (UTC)
I'm not really sure as of now, but will find out and let you know. Also, adding me back is fine, lol.

Out of curiousity, how did you find out about my journal?
4th-Feb-2005 02:28 pm (UTC)
dealing with some stuff with my sister, and this brings up the ... what is the word from when you want to extract justice via an individual's guts?

i wish being a vigilante was legal. :\
4th-Feb-2005 06:16 pm (UTC)
Here here!
4th-Feb-2005 06:11 pm (UTC)
I love you. I love your passion. I love that you have the words and the courage to express and feel intensely painful emotions that some of us fear confronting face to face. I'm sure sometimes you wish you had a choice but thank you.
4th-Feb-2005 06:16 pm (UTC)
I love you too, honey. You knew me when!
9th-Oct-2005 12:40 am (UTC)
wow, that was intense.

I approve.
9th-Oct-2005 01:04 am (UTC)
Thank you.
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