Brad Smith (jesus_h_biscuit) wrote,
Brad Smith

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Put a circle on the cross.

I had a series of about 3 nightmares last night, one of which seriously freaked me out. In involved my parents and mortality, which is never a good combination unless you're Dave Peltzer or Christina Crawford. I woke up at 4am-ish with stomach cramps, and decided to just tough it out and read. That got old fairly quickly, so I started listening to music. Which also got borning, so I started to watch pr0n. Yeah, pr0n when your stomach is in knots? Not so much. So I just wrote about it all in the Voldemort LJ, as I'm wont to do. The trouble with documenting my dreams is that unless I get up when they're still vivid, I lose them. Not that this isn't a good thing, but there you are.

I've decided that some things just don't fit like I thought they did anymore, and others fit more like they were tailor made. I'm restless, I'm longing for something I don't have, and I'm alternately dissatisfied and disappointed. I'm not exactly sure to what level this carries over, maybe it's as simple as rearranging my bedroom furniture for a change of pace. Maybe it's simply feeling exanimate today, who knows. I find myself feeling more and more... frazzled? Is that the word? I'll be so glad when spring comes back around and I can be done with this winter bullshit, it's making me homicidal.

I am very happy about a new bond that has been forged with someone I am quite fond of, and that's really good. I'm being true to my nature and doing what I really feel comes naturally to me in trying to open someone up to all of the possibilities they are unfortunately blind to, which is easy when your plate gets too full. It happens to us all from time to time. In part I believe that those times are necessary to prepare you for when life is better and more meaningful. Be honest, how would you truly appreciate what's really great in life if you don't first understand what's bad? How would you know the difference without a basis for comparison? I have an obsession with harmony and balance, so I see things laid out in front of us differently than I think most people do. That is also why I'm good at providing that basis for comparison, because I have this uncanny knack for juxtaposition. When things are bad, I make my focus very driven in believing that I'm somehow being prepared to really embrace and appreciate when it's my turn for it to all come back to good. I know instinctively that the initial emotion of feeling sadness like it is a permanent thing instead of a temporary one is your mind's way of trying to purge itself, like mental vomit if you will. Sure that's disturbing imagery, but you get the point.

When it's your life, your relationship, your whatever - it's your rules. You're only limited by the things you haven't yet learned. I just told Damien that I think tradition (most of it, anyway) is for straight people who don't know how to enjoy themselves. Not that I'm making a generalization on all straight folks, just the boring ones who by stupidity default to bliss. Don't think about that one for too long, blood is liable to fly out of your nose and hit someone across the room.
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