Brad Smith (jesus_h_biscuit) wrote,
Brad Smith

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Things are good for the most part, Avery's procrastination in being born being the thing that's not as good as it could be were she already here. Maggie is overdue with her for 4 days now.

To sum up without giving away too much, a friend asked me to explain how I felt about Damien. I replied "For the first time, nothing is missing." I couldn't think of any better way to give justice to my inner workings where he is concerned. I was then told "That's great, just don't let him become your whole world so that you lose sight of everything else." My response? "What am I, PAIGE? - Please... ::feh::"

My normally high energy level is exceptionally high today, after a less than stellar beginning. It took me a while to wake up. (Thanks baby... ::evil grin::)

I slept fine last night, except for having a dream about Paige whereby she was trying to be mean to me and trying to call things out that she neither had any business calling out or were HERS to call out in the first fucking place. I didn't do it deliberately, at least not that I could tell in my dream, but I did speak to her with enough scorn and venom that she cried and tried to explain how she never meant what she said to me. I looked at her coldly and stated "The fact that you think these words coming from you now are supposed to mean something to me, as if the damage were not already done, is a new level of pathetic I've yet been subject to.". Of course, I woke up saddened because I'm convinced that this is a very realistic possibility, this conversation occurring or a similar one at least.

If you're reading this now, Paige - know that I love you, but you've got a hell of a lot to prove to me by action to make up for the wrong you have done before I'll even consider giving you my time or expounding any of my love on you again.

Whether intended or not, you took two years of unconditional love and absolutely no judgment on my part and not only threw it back in my fucking face, but blamed me for it. Be grateful that I love your sorry ass enough to keep you a consideration instead of completely writing you off. And another thing - if Casey truly is sorry for all he's done to wrong every one of us, then I pity him. If he doesn't want or need my pity, then he's welcome to my hatred.

Life is good when you're not constantly devising ways to teach someone self preservation, only to have it all waved away. Hell, I've accomplished more in a week and a half with Damien by being myself and not this ideal of someone I think he might rather have than you've done in the past 12 years. Why? I'm tired of explaining it to you. If you never paid attention, then that's your misfortune. Don't sit there looking all forlorn, what the fuck else would you have expected from me? You think I'm going to sugarcoat a fuck-up against me of this magnitude? You of ALL people know me better than that, and if you thought our friendship was going to make my wrath on you less severe, then you are clearly more devoid of conscience than I knew. I mean it all with love, just not the kind that favors you right now...

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