Brad Smith (jesus_h_biscuit) wrote,
Brad Smith
jesus_h_biscuit

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Letting go

I had that talk with him finally, the talk I knew was coming about my past and the reasons why I'm not as close to my family as most people usually are. The talk about the things that failed and were outright wrongs committed against me. About how sometimes you just have to accept that there are no answers that will satisfy you so you don't go looking for them. About whether or not you can live with the silences or risk being spiteful to let your parents know exactly where they stand with you and how you view them.

The truth is I just don't know. I think about it so much sometimes that I have to put my head down and wait for it to pass. I don't especially like living in the past, no matter how much I try to make my life better, but this is stuff I'm not sure I know what I'm supposed to do with. Too much pondering makes it real again and invariably I get angry and all that does is spill over into the grave of that scared little boy I had no choice but to bury somewhere in me. I finally got to the point where it didn't eat me alive and spit out the jagged bones of what I was, and learned a certain degree of apathy about all of it. Funny thing is that there is never enough safe space before I start having dreams about it again.

I told him because he asked and because the only way he will understand me to the point he needs to is to know all of my dirty secrets as well as all of the good stuff.

None of this matters to me now, not on an emotional level anyway. I'm very happy learning something new each day and having such a fantastic time doing it, all with this extraordinary man who I'm just addicted to. Life is good.
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