Brad Smith (jesus_h_biscuit) wrote,
Brad Smith
jesus_h_biscuit

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Insomnia and the Jesus Dream

I have recurring dreams, and usually they are very wierd. Some come from childhood, some I cannot remember where I was in life when I started having them. The one I have that seriously terrifies me is the one about clowns. The one that just makes me sad is the one I had last night after finally getting to sleep at 2AM or so.

In this dream, I am walking along a beach path on Amelia Island, one of my favorite places ever to spend time. I went there after Shane died to heal up some, and it will always be special to me for that reason alone - yet there are many others. Anyway, I'm walking along one afternoon and this stretch of beach is completely empty. Nothing but me, the wind, ther water, the sand, and an occaisional seagull. I'm walking along with my feet in the water, just as content as I can be, and I suddenly hear a man crying. I look up with a quick jerk of my head, and standing about 20 feet in front of me facing the horizon is Jesus. Yes, that one, Christ himself, the big JC. He is crying and is inconsolable.

I walk over to him to comfort him and find out why he's so upset and what I can do to help, as it is in my nature to try hard to fix anything that is broken. I stand next to him and in as soothing a voice as I can muster I manage to ask softly if there is anything I can do. He raises his head slowly toward me, there is a flash of light and we're suddenly on the Chrysler building, standing on the eagle head that faces the East River side of Manhattan. He's closer to the edge than I am, and I'm very unafraid even though my fear of heights is practically paralyzing. I reach for his hand and he makes it very clear to me that he's determined to jump. I go into a panic, overcome with the notion that the last person Jesus Christ will see alive is me on the top of this building in NYC and he won't even tell me why or hold my hand. I can taste the fear in my mouth like metal, and feel myself break into a panic-sweat. I beg him not to, but he takes no notice. I beg him why, and plead with him to tell me.

He looks over to me, gazing just past my shoulder, and explains that all of the things done in his name are things that he would never have done or approved of. He laments that he has failed because the people who profess to be his devout followers have completely gone astray of everything he ever taught or held important and valuable. The enormity of it all had undone him, and I was to bear witness to the unravelling. He gestured across to another building of office workers, pointing them out for me to see and exclaimed that nothing was ever being done for the benefit of others, only for the benefit of self. He spoke in a voice that sounded as brokenhearted as I'd ever heard before and mentioned that he never blamed me for not believing in him and that was why he chose me to tell this to. I was a little confused and went to ask for a detailed explaination and he was no longer there, I was all alone. I glanced down to the ground when I heard the screaming and panic below me, until my own screams drowned it all out and the noise became something alive. All I can think is "I just watched Jesus committ suicide", and then I wake up soon after if I make it that far.

I hate this dream.
Tags: the jesus dream
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