I wrote a huge entry, but it was all self indulgent, negative, whiny, complaining bullshit and I fucking hate that shit in a way that defies description. I'm very unlike myself today, my frustration is getting the best of me and my joy has gone on vacation. Please, no "I hope you feel better" comments allowed on this post because (A.) this is not a pity party, and (B.) I don't want to hear "Hang in there, it gets better!"
I know it gets better, I'm well aware of that fact. I'm that guy that encourages others when they need it. I don't need to be encouraged right now though. All encouragement would do for me is remind me that I feel like shit, and who the fuck needs that?
Something to bear in mind, since I think it is relevant, and since it might serve to prevent me from biting your head off if ever you try to lend me a helping hand in the future. IF ever something is bothering me, I'm sad or angry or frustrated, do me a favor and just let me have my feelings. I'm resilient and can work it out on my own. It's very nice to offer to be there for someone, I do it a lot. There's a point where you have to take care of your own shit, though - and the last thing you need is to be molly-coddled. I don't like having my hand held and I don't like being patted on the back. When I'm angry, I just want to be fucking angry until I'm not angry anymore, so for as good as your intentions might be sometimes, I will benefit more from you keeping it to yourself and just sending me good energy. It's not that I don't appreciate it, quite the contrary. I just prefer to work a lot of stuff out for myself.
If you are my friend, then I already know that you're there for me if and when I need you. That is why I would consider you a friend in the first place. That's how it is SUPPOSED to be. The thing about me is, if I DO decide that I need you, you'll be the first one to know. I'll come to you, okay? If I have something I want to discuss with you, I'll be the one to bring it up. Anyone that pulls on me pushes me away. That's me, that's how I'm wired. It is fixed and unchangeable. If you pull, you're really pushing.
I'm having a bad goddamned day is all. It's no big deal in the grand scheme, but I want to be in a good mood today and I'm just not - I'm actually in a really fucking shitty mood. So please, let me have my shitty mood, and leave me alone about it.
- Music:NIN - Wish (because it's a really fucking angry song)