Brad Smith (jesus_h_biscuit) wrote,
Brad Smith

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Where there is an absence of love, there is an absence of hate


Last night, I did my 6 mile bike ride. Tonight I'm upping that to 10.

Last night Andrew called me, I'd asked him in an email to give me a call because I'd forgotten his cellphone number and hadn't written it down anywhere. I told him that the box of things I had tried to return to his roomates this weekend didn't make it to the apartment complex as the only day I was able to go out there was the day the office was closed. He explained that they wouldn't have taken it anyway, some company policy, so it was a moo(t) point. I asked him if he could come by since he was on my side of town anyway and take it home with him. I spent what felt like an hour with him, talking and bullshitting, catching up on stuff that was relevant, that sort of thing. I was really hoping he wouldn't be bringing up the recent end of friendships he used to have with my friends or the friendships I used to have with his, and he didn't. No point in discussing things that don't matter anymore. It was like it used to be between he and I when we hung out together at the radio station, and it felt really good to pass the time with him there. It made me remember some of the hilarious things we used to do at work, spending countless hours talking about everything and nothing and having the greatest time.

After he left and the kids were put to bed, I had a little time to myself before bed. I started remembering this time last summer when I went swimming with all of our then friends, and how inseparable we all felt. I thought of Ryan, Aimee, and Jennie and how they smiled at me that day and how I remember hugging each one of them. It was then that tears welled up in my eyes and I got a lump in my throat, not because I missed them or because I was saddened that we were no longer friends, but for another reason entire.

I felt nothing - nothing at all for them anymore. No interest, no desire, no ill will, just nothing. Complete emotinal void. I thought that for as much as I used to love and cherish them, that I would at least mourn the loss of these friendships in some way, albeit small - and I felt nothing, not even contempt or pity, the easiest things to conjure up if you need to justify your anger or resentment - which I also don't feel and haven't for a while now. After I thought about it for a minute or two, I reasoned that the tears and the ache in my throat were because I felt relieved.

Last night I slept better than I can remember sleeping in weeks. Today I feel great.
Tags: introspection
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