Brad Smith (jesus_h_biscuit) wrote,
Brad Smith

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I feel like I have been gutted and left out to dry.

In Andalusia, one of the many delicacies they produce is called Mojama. It is dry cured loin cut of tuna, and it is something almost no one (besides those seriously into epicurean rareities) really knows about outside of Spain. It is cured in the same way, with salt and hot coastal breezes, since at least the Arab Conquest. Today, I feel like the tuna that stay tethered to their hooks in deep, cold, blue, fathomless waters, destined to be Mojama. Someone, somewhere, wants to come along sooner or later and gut me, rub salt into the exposed wounds, and leave me hanging out to dry in pieces. They want to consume me whole, make me disappear. And though I know this, know that they are going to try just because they can, I'm just tethered to this hook and cannot get away. So I wait to see just who my executioner is going to be, imagining their face and what their hands might feel like lustily slicing into my flesh. Imagining the surprise on their face when they get careless and cut themselves instead...

So much has happened over the past few days. For starters, I've been unwell for several days now, am eating little and sleeping about as much. Add to this the fact that I'm overstimulated, stressed out, and depressed again and you have one unhappy me. If I could just get 10 minutes of time to NOT think about anything - anything at all - I might work on getting back my peace of mind.

Yesterday was Columbus Pride, and I spent most of my time there getting people registered to vote at the Georgia Equality table. It was a long day, and by the time we left I was running out of energy. Then last night Damien and I stayed at the new house, where we, along with his roomate and our good friend Mike had a little drinks and dinner get together with a few friends. One of the guests was my friend Gabi, we spent a good deal of the evening talking about religion, politics, and the Middle East. I hadn't seen her in a few years, so we spoke at length on the Middle Eastern culture and her daughter, my friend Alia. Alia's father (Gabi's former husband) is from Pakistan, so Middle Eastern culture and Islam were of some interest in the conversation. It was good to see her and even better to talk to someone who stimulated me. Gabi is great, her Catholicism notwithstanding. I had a chocolate martini at 5PM, and a vodka and grapefruit at about 10 - both of which made me tired and gave me a slight headache. I also smoked two cigarettes last night, as is probable when I'm drinking. I had to brush my teeth immediately after each one, it made me feel like an ashtray had taken a giant shit in my mouth. Not pleasant, I'm really glad I don't smoke anymore.

I did get to spend some time with Damien's family today, we went swimming and had a good time until my throat, sinuses, and ears got the best of me. I called and talked to my father for almost an hour, whch was nice that I caught him before he left for New Orleans. I mentioned to him several of my favorite places there, and he said he just might check them out. He got a new dog and has done some more renovating on the house, apparently this last undertaking was pretty major. All in all it was a nice conversation.

I've been very worried about a lot of things and having to prioritize a lot in my head and my heart. All of this worrying is definitely having an effect on my physical and psychological wellbeing, I have no doubt. I've been bothered with the irritating aspects of people I'll take care not to out here, as honestly they are numerous and it would take longer to do that than I have the time and energy for. Suffice it to say, my used-to-be endless patience for people's quirks, eccentricities, and shortcomings is at an all time low. Casting aside my current state of mind, I like myself. Very much. And if you don't like me, then get fucked. Pretty simplistic, but workable.

Some people wear their haloes too tight. I'd made a list a few years ago, and that last line made it on the list I gave to my old friend Toni who reminded me of it today. It made me think of something else It really is damn near impossible to take some folks seriously, no matter how hard they may try. Especially those who come at you smiling, knife in one hand and your throat in the other, just waiting to hang you out in the sun to dry.

I'm just about worn out in every sense of that phrase. I think I might be able to sleep now, I hope so.
Tags: introspection
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