Brad Smith (jesus_h_biscuit) wrote,
Brad Smith
jesus_h_biscuit

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Time For A Change...

I watched a really good movie tonight, it's called "Billy Elliott". I'd been meaning to see it for a while now, just never was in the frame of mind to. It was great. I love a movie that breaks your heart only to glue it back together with inspiration. I reccommend this one!

I went to Paige's house tonight to get most of my things, and the kids were being very... I'm not sure how to put it. Sean didn't say much, although he was very excited at first to see me there. Once he realized I was getting my things, he got very quiet. Shannon kept asking me why I was taking these things, as if I was coming back and she didn't understand. She kept telling me "No, that stay here at home!" I couldn't make her understand, so I just played with her for a little bit to distract her. As I was leaving, Paige took me to her bedroom to show me the new paint job she and Casey were doing to get my approval. All I could manage was "Yeah, that looks nice - I have to go now" and left. As I was walking out the door, Sean said to me "Bye, I'll see you... sometime". My heart was beginning to cave in right then and there, and as I was driving back home all I could think was how I should've told him that if he ever missed me or wanted to talk to me that he could call me anytime he wanted to. I have to go back for a few odds and ends, and I'll make a point of telling him then. Mac helped me get the stuff, and as we were going back he told me "Man, I feel like I want to cry after that." Yeah, no kidding. I'm still so angry at her that sometimes it is like a choke hold around my neck. I had to cut her out of my life, I don't think I could have taken being disappointed by her one more time. She was for a long time one of my closest friends, but she ruined it all by being careless and irresponsible and no matter what she does for the rest of her life, she can never take that back.

I've decided that even though Kevin is in my thoughts daily and I would very much like to see him again and know him better, possibly see what he's all about and such, that I'm tired of spending my down time alone. I have this need in me that goes along with the change of the season. Spring signifies rebirth and regrowth, new beginnings and new discoveries. I just wished that I knew what he was thinking. There are times when he calls me or IMS me when I'm online and I think "Wow, it's nice to be thought of!" but then I go for days without talking to him and I get discouraged. I have no idea what I'm thinking, really - I just know that he seems like someone I could eventually spend time with and I'm not so sure he thinks of me in the same way. I know he's been very down recently, and has had several highs and lows. We all do, such is life. But between birth and death, I want something for myself that I cannot get on my own. I want and need companionship and affection. I need to be able to tell my stuff to someone and listen when they have something to tell me. I want to come out of this self-imposed celibacy sometime before I collect social security and be good for someone. I learned a long time ago that those too afraid to ask for what the want never GET what they want. I'm not afraid to ask, but it's hard knowing what to ask for. At this point, I just want someone outside of my comfortable little circle that I can not just talk to, but touch and hold. Did I mention that I miss kissing? THat's another thing I fantasize about with him.

The baby will be here soon and I'm VERY excited about that, particularly since Maggie is not having the best of times in the last stages of this pregnancy and I hate to see her so miserable. She's uncomfortable no matter what she does and is stressed out more than she deserves to be. Once the construction on the rest of the house is over and done with, she'll relax more. I just hope they get off their asses and finish it soon, like yesterday soon. I'm predicting the 18th for the baby to be born. Anyone else want to put in a guess? It could be any day, and she's due in 3 more weeks.
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