Brad Smith (jesus_h_biscuit) wrote,
Brad Smith

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"You got that new Cd by MC Bubbalicious Fisheyes?"

What a week. I've been tossed through a lot of different emotions this week, that's for damned sure. Here I am though, in one piece despite it all, and I feel very accomplished.

Cookbook website is coming along very nicely, maybe two more weeks - MAYBE.

Saw Sugarland Friday night, it was really great to see Jennifer. I got some really nice pictures, I'll post them later to sugarland. The best part of the show was when she was setting up an introduction for "My Heart's Broken Too". She said "Have you ever been done wrong by someone, and you know the relationship is over and when you go to share this revelation with them they have the nerve to cry first?" In the years I've known Jennifer it was the best intro to a song I've ever heard her give. I also had another realization sitting there in the Loft watching her sing. It occurred to me that the first time I ever met her and heard her sing live was almost 10 years ago on that very stage, and we've been good friends ever since. Now here she is, her dreams are realities and she's again on that very same stage, new band, new record deal, new album coming out in two or three months. It was surreal and emotional, I got a little teary and had a lump in my throat for a little while.

Went biking for 12 miles today, give or take. That last one was up a pretty steep hill, and I didn't stop once. I had to talk myself into it, and halfway up my legs started to burn. I took very deep breaths and routed the oxygen to my thighs and calves, still unsure that I would finish. I kept thinking to myself "You can do this, you can do this" and 3/4 of the way up I started chanting. I have a chant I repeat when I start to falter on my workouts that goes This makes me healthy, this makes me stronger. I got about 10 feet from the top and really thought I was going to have to stop, but then I kept chanting and decided that even if my heart exploded and my legs fucking fell off - no way was I getting off that bike. And I didn't. And now I feel very calm and centered and content.

I'm really glad for it too, it comes right on the heels of some drastic moodswings on my part in the last 48 hours. Maggie and I have spent some time with our former best friend Christi, who brought her kids over to spend some playtime with Haley, Cole, and Avery this weekend. The three of us spent a good bit of time talking and playing catch up, but it was bittersweet. In part because it brought back a flood of memories that coursed through me in a lamentable way, and in part because that very thing (and other reasons as well) is the reason why we're no longer friends, or at least the crux of it. In as much as friends who trust and love one another unconditionally, anyway. there are just things I cannot get past, and if that were not enough I was again reminded of how many differences we have between us in terms of personal standards etc. etc. etc... All in all it wasn't bad, just not as comfortable as I'd like. The best thing out of all of it was teaching myself how important it is to just let some stuff go, just let it go. Not every detail of your life and your past matters, and the energy we waste carrying all that unneccessary bullshit around makes us tired and makes us sick.

Christi broke some really horrifying news to me last night. Someone I know and love with all of my heart is not expected to live longer than 6 months and at the moment it is a day by day thing. She could die at any time, and it is really fucking me up. This woman is like supermom to 5 children, she's one of the sweetest people you'd ever be lucky enough to meet, she's never had an unkind thing to say about anyone in the 12 years I've known her, she's the first to lend a hand without being asked, and to top it off is a devout Christian. Her daughter and my dear friend Tarah now lives in Maryland, but is coming home next month. I haven't seen Tarah in a long time, it will be good to see her again. I wished under better circumstances, but that cannot be helped. It is what it is. I'm planning on spending as much time with her as I can, good thing they live within walking distance of me. I'm at a complete loss about this entire situation, I'm trying to prepare for anything.

I hear things like this and it puts so much into perspective for me, it really does. It also has this nasty side effect that causes me to look at the people in my own life that bitch about ...stuff... and think "You know what, you have no fucking CLUE. I love you, I really do, but you haven't the first fucking clue..." Isn't life hard enough already without it being made MORE complicated deliberately? Jesus H. Christ on a rubber crutch, people.

I really think we would all be better off if more of us knew when to just shut the fuck up and not say ANYTHING, ANYTHING AT ALL sometimes. Because sometimes no one NEEDS to know what we think, no one CARES what we think, and this is essentially because we're not nearly as important as we think we are.

The best part of my day today, aside from making the bigg hill my bitch, was when we were on the riverwalk and a little girl fell off her bike and skinned her leg up a bit. Her mama was trying to console her, and I rode over and sweet tlked her a little and broke out the first aid kit I carry when I bike - then cleaned and bandaged her boo boo. I even kissed it to help make it all better. Then I rode off singing "Only The Good Die Young" to myself, smiling.

Dog bless Billy Joel and Jennifer Nettles.
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