Brad Smith (jesus_h_biscuit) wrote,
Brad Smith
jesus_h_biscuit

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Nobody said it was easy, it's such a shame for us to part...

I swear, this has been a very difficult and trying weekend. I'm glad it's over and I'm really glad that tomorrow I get some time to do stuff around here to help ease my mind a bit because honestly, I'm rapidly approaching sensory overload.

First, some stuff transpired between Maggie and Nathan that was pretty distressing. He had Friday off for Good Friday and was supposed to spend some Daddy/Avery time since Maggie took Cole to Butts Mill Farm for the day for some Mommy/Cole time. What ended up happeing was he stopped by here for a total of 10 minutes - just enough time to get her all upset - and then left to drive to Macon to allegedly trade in his Land Rover, which never happened. Don't ask. Then on the way home from BMF, Maggie asked Cole if he had a good time and he replied "It wasn't a complete day because Daddy wasn't there", which just made her feel that much lower. Fast forward to that evening, the kids go to spend the night with Grandmommy & Grandpa, paving the way for M & N to sit and talk some things out about the divorce and their expected parenting situation from here on out. He got very upset with her on the phone and decided he couldn't come to the house, that it was too painful for him. So he alludes to some things that lead Maggie to think he might hurt himself then hangs up and turns off his cell phone. Maggie is just as much a worrier as I am. She and I talked about a lot of things after that, one of which was her part in the disillusion of the marriage, her part of the blame for it not working. I levelled with her and told her the truth as I saw it, which was a very bitter pill for her to swallow, but she did it and I was very proud of her. I tried (in vain) to calm her down about his whereabouts and safety, but to no avail. At 2:00AM I could no longer keep my eyes open, so I went to bed and left her on the couch with a cup of hot tea I'd made for her and the remote control on the Weather Channel. I woke up at 7:30AM Saturday morning and she was in the exact same spot, still crying, still inconsolable. She finally got him to answer the phone at 7, and as soon as he said "Hello" she hung up and fell apart. How could he make her worry like that, then act like it never happened? I thought I'd talked her into getting some sleep because she went into her room and closed the door, but it was only to take a shower. I called Grandmommy and asked her if she's keep the kids until that evening so Maggie could get some rest, then Damien came to get me and we went to his parents' house to work on the vegetable garden. An hour or so later she called to tell me she was going to see our friend Amy for a bit. I made her promise me she would go back home and take a nap in my room. My bed is the most comfortable bed in the house, and a nap in my room is the best one you'll ever take. She did, because when I got home at 2 she was curled up in my bed sleeping. I let her sleep until 5:30.

She went to pick up the kids, Nathan came by and we were going to sit and dye Easter Eggs with the kids when Crazy Alcoholic/Crackwhore Neighbor started vehicular drama YET AGAIN and interrupted the egg dyeing for an hour or two, but then calmness was restored. By the end of the evening everyone seemed in fairly decent spirits.

This morning the Easter Bunny left the kids their baskets, so we woke up with them and had breakfast and spent some family time together. We had an Easter egg hunt in the front yard for the kids, then Damien and I went to get lunch and then coffee while Maggie & the kids went to see Grandmommy & Grandpa. I have no idea where Nathan went for that time. Damien & I then went to see his family for a while before heading over to Nathan's sister's for Easter Dinner. I made my Blue Caesar for 15 people and grilled as much chicken for each one, and (almost) everyone had a good time. We even had another egg hunt for all the kids. Damien went home, and Maggie and I brought the kids home to pack up some clothes and stuff to spend the night with Nathan. He's moved back home with his mother for now, which is convenient since she lives one street behind us. He came by to get them, they left, Maggie and I were watching some TV and waiting on The L Word to come on when he calls us. Apparently Cole was flipping out and wanting to come home. Maggie tried over and over to explain to him that if he didn't spend the night with Nathan that he wouldn't really get to see that much of him. She ended up having to go over there to calm him down and help him get to sleep.

So she and I have spent the past 2 1/2 hours trying to figure all of this out. We've made some progress on certain issues, and on some things we're just clueless. There is no manual on divorce that really - really - gives you quality assurances. There is no real manual on children or parenting. Sure there are lots of resources out there, but when your tried and true methods suddenly fall short of success, you realize then and there that there IS a God and he's out to fucking get you. Okay, maybe not that extreme, but it was a good metaphor. Mostly I'm doing my level best to convince her that it will all get better. She fires off questions in moments of sheer frustration and I give her real and honest answers on the spot, and it calms her down and reaffirms that she's doing the right thing. She's never been one to see the bigger picture, so I have my work cut out for me.

As it is, Nathan should have the kids until Tuesday. In the time between now and then, I'm going to get a lot done around the house and do some things for myself that I've not had the time to do. The two of them are (hopefully) going to spend a little time together tomorrow deciding on how to circumvent situations like the one that happened tonight. As for me, I'm going to try and not get frustrated about certain things I have no control over and let people work some things out on their own, at least this week. I've witnessed a lot of tears and lost a lot of sleep trying to hold people together, and presently my patience is a little thinner than it normally would be. So if I seem a little short with anyone, or a little stressed out and quick tempered, go right ahead and take it personally. Sparing feelings isn't foremost in my mind these days, and I'm not feeling that whole turn-the-other-cheek thing right off the bat. My point? I suppose it's just that if you go looking for trouble you will surely find it. I spend a hell of a lot of my energy trying to be as unselfish as I possibly can be, because I feel guilty as all hell when I want something for myself - even as useless as guilt is, and as much as I think it is a complete waste of energy. Now, however, it just feels like my justifiable selfish time. Whether or not I'll do anything with it is anyone's guess. Maybe, probably not.

You know, life is very frustrating. It's not fun having to accept things you don't like or want, and it's certainly not fun not getting what you want. Too bad it can't always be fun. The promising thing, though, is that suffering that kind of frustration prepares you for how truly good it is when things are fun again and you start getting what you want. If only we'd all stop and remind ourselves of that a little more now and then, we'd spare ourselves an awful lot of regret on wasted energy. Then again, if there were more forethought on everyone's part about a lot of things, there would be considerably less insufferable bullshit to start with.

In conclusion, I like taters. My love to all who need and deserve it. Goodnight.
Tags: introspection
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