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I have got to get some sleep tonight. Last night I had a nightmare… 
5th-Feb-2004 04:34 pm
I have got to get some sleep tonight. Last night I had a nightmare that Avery and I were out somewhere, I think it was in the woods. She got away form me playing hide and seek, and I was frantic trying to find her. She started crying for me, and was clearly very scared that she could not see or find me. I began crying hysterically because I knew how freaked out she was, and that in turn freaked me out. I woke up at 4:00AM to her actual screaming and crying. I'm still not sure if she had a bad dream or what, but she was very upset. I was half in my dream still, and by the time I got to her room I was still a mess myself. I held her until she calmed down, then brought her to my bed where she curled up in the crook of my arm and slept - albeit restlessly. I lay there for the majority of the morning just feeling an overwhelming sadness and wanting to cry but not being able to. It won't let go of me.

At some point soon, very soon, I'm absolutely going to lose it.

Just completely break the fuck down.

If my insides matched my outsides, I'd be in shreds. Bloody ones at that.

Why do I have to go through this shit? I'm a nice enough guy, so why do I feel like an emotional trainwreck all of the time these days?
5th-Feb-2004 01:56 pm (UTC)
You sound a lot like me lately. I'm sorry man, hope things get better.
5th-Feb-2004 01:57 pm (UTC)
maybe you need to turn to jesus.
5th-Feb-2004 02:05 pm (UTC)
Maybe YOU need to be fed headfirst into a meat grinder.
5th-Feb-2004 03:45 pm (UTC) - Re:
he he he, i thought you would appreciate that
5th-Feb-2004 02:23 pm (UTC)
it's full moon, btw.

i hate dreams lately. i've been waking up myself all shaken up, so i know what you mean.

give yourself permission to breakdown. schedule it. least, then, if you have to, it's on your own terms, not an out of control thing.

offer stands if you need to run away, and plan on running west, you have place to go.

i'll be keepin' ya in my thoughts, for what it's worth. sending you good thoughts, of safety, warm, and that everything will be okay. (even if it's eventually.)
5th-Feb-2004 08:39 pm (UTC)
Wanna get away and talk? I can be available if you need to. Besides, I owe you one.

I agree that the nightmares may be from the full moon. I had one last night myself and I don't ever remember my dreams.

If not, Here's a big hug for you

6th-Feb-2004 09:38 am (UTC) - your dreams can say a lot about your life @ the moment
children in your dream can mean a stage of acceptance or innocence, hide and seek signifies the games people play in life; manipulation; ulterior motives; hidden agendas.
Since Avery was playing hide and seek and was missing it signifies that a hidden factor concerning your innocence or your rational thought is being tied to a sort of self manipulation. Hysteria in dreams warns against losing self control, or loss of logic and reason.
8th-Feb-2004 08:41 pm (UTC)
people suck.
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