Brad Smith (jesus_h_biscuit) wrote,
Brad Smith

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Do you ever wish for just a moment that you could be somebody else?

Last night we had a house full of people. All of the kids were here except for Haley, who will be here on Friday for the weekend. Friday being Halloween, everyone is heading over to James & Amy's place for an early dinner and trick-or-treating in their neighborhood as it is flat and ours is nothing but hills. Then Damien and I are heading over to the 'rents place for our own Halloween festivities and candy-giving-outing. But anyway, back to last night...

Everyone is sitting around the dining room table, we had like 5 or 6 pumpkins that James brought for the kids and they were all carving them into jack-o-lanterns. We had just finished dinner when I took notice of it. I'm looking from the other room at these children I love so much (who love me back equally) with their parents doing this rite of passage and tradition and I realize I'm the only one IN the other room and it hit me, that overwhelming sense of sadness. Because I love spending time with them, and I love cooking for them and playing games with them and kissing the boo-boos and smoothing over the arguments and telling how incredibly beautiful and smart they are...

It's just that sometimes, not often, but sometimes, I'm made painfully aware that for all of the love I give and all of the love I get back it's still someone else's child. They call someone else "Daddy". Someone else gets to take them home and carry them sleeping from the car and put them into bed. Someone else gets to wake up to them in the morning.

And sometimes, not often, but sometimes, I cry myself to sleep because that someone isn't me.

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