January 25th, 2008



Who's the bane of YOUR existence? Surely there's someone who pisses you off in such a huge way that it merits flogging, at least. 'Round here, we call that person a RAT BASTARD. Who is the person you most want to rip a new asshole for whatever reason? Go ahead - now's your chance to put them on blast. Start commenting, and have fun gettin' your hate on - and out. IP logging is off and anonymous commenters WERE welcome, but I've had to disable it since I've gotten six tons of bullshit spam comments lately. Sorry about that.

Go on - vent your spleen...

Also, check out/participate in the Friday Confessional and the subsequent Sunday Stoning, brought to you by the fantastic city_of_dis.

Back To Business

Alright, yesterday was pretty bad, and I really struggled to make do with what I was dealt. I've made my peace, I've said my say, and now I'm done with it. One of my New Year's resolutions was that I will no longer invest myself in people who aren't invested in me - and I'm not going back on that, I don't care who it is.

Here's the thing. I know my worth. I know who takes care of me. I know that I have a great life and that I'm constantly surrounded by love from people who would only judge me and hold my feet to the fire if I were genuinely not living up to my standards - because they all know how important it is that I never become a hypocrite and that I maintain my sense of right and wrong. I know all of this. I had all of this already in place and working for me long before yesterday even happened.

In the end, it wasn't just my father, my brother also took it upon himself to jump in the fray and try to make me the whipping boy. I told him in no uncertain terms that it's not going to happen, and furthermore I'm done. I was dismissed in every point I made and had every bit of it painted with his broad brush of "Poor poor you - you just want to run your agenda, blah blah blah..."

So here's the thing. I know I did nothing wrong. I even had it confirmed by a cousin who was a bystander and read every word of what happened in real time who - like me - is astonished that it went down like that in the first place, and also at how viciously I was treated. He even affirmed that every word I contributed to the entire exchange was well worded and respectful, and that I singled no one out - I was equitable with everyone involved. I know I'm right in this, and the best thing about that is that when you're arguing on the side of right, you have nothing to justify - you're just RIGHT. It's not a case of "Well, I think I'm right", because I check and balance to make certain I am right before I get on the soapbox. That way, I know I don't have to eat my words later and flip flop on principles like so many others. That's no way to get or keep respect.

I have high standards for those I love and they are high standards for a reason. You don't compromise them, you don't bend rules to accommodate a chosen few, and you don't lower them just because that would be easier than digging in your heels and toughing it out. Rather a stand for something or own that you stand for nothing kind of thing, really. No one gets special priviledge based on genetics or senority, because there's no sense of fairness there. I tow the same exact line with everyone.

I want to thank every one of you that commented to yesterday's post and called me to make sure I was okay, you all really made a significant difference for me. I have the best friends in the world, and I know how lucky I am to have all of you who came running when I needed you most. Unlike some, you didn't fail me in a time of need and I'm never going to forget that.

I will never love the hand that beats me.
I will never compromise my dignity for the sake of comfort.
I will never again be invested in those who are not invested in me.
I will not be complacent and smile and nod to keep the boat from rocking.

...and I won't EVER wear my wishbone where my backbone should be.

I'm done - my head is clear - back to business.

Love This Song - And It Fits Right Now.

Third Eye Blind - How's It Going To Be

I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore
Before you take a swing, I wonder what are we fighting for?
When I say out loud, "I want to get out of this,"
I wonder, is there anything I'm going to miss?
I wonder how it's going to be
when you don't know me.
How's it going to be
when you're sure I'm not there?
How's it going to be
when there’s no one there to talk to between you and me?
'Cause I don't care
How's it going to be?
How's it going to be?

Where we used to laugh, there's a shouting match
sharp as a thumbnail scratch
A silence I can't ignore,
like the hammock by the doorway we spent time in
Swing's empty
I don't see lightning like last fall
when it was always about to hit me
I wonder how's it going to be when it goes down
How's it going to be when you're not around?
How's it going to be when you found out there was nothing
between you and me?
'Cause I don't care
How's it going to be?

And how's it going to be
when you don't know me anymore?
And how's it going to be?

I wanna get myself back in again
The soft dive of oblivion…
I wanna taste the salt of your skin
The soft dive of oblivion…oblivion
How's it going to be
when you don't know me any more?
How's it going to be?
How's it going to be?