June 28th, 2007

A Few Things I Want To Get Off My Chest

I went through a lot of emotional stuff in the past few days, and I spent the majority of the evening last night feeling very pissy, tired, and out of sorts as a result of it. I woke up only 40 minutes ago from a very deep sleep (which I needed, apparently) and have begun thinking on these things in the grand tradition of J. Krishnamurti.

- LiveJournal friend issues -
Recently, someone I pissed off whipped me with his opinion over something I'd written and unfriended me. I am not sure if it was done of his own volition or at my suggestion, and it doesn't matter. My blog, my rules, if you don't like what I have to say, no one is forcing you to read it. Like I told him, take some responsibility and unfriend me if it is necessary because your lack of approval on what I have to say certainly isn't going to make me stop saying anything I want to say. I have the same policy about honesty that I have about asskicking - if you ask me for it, then I have to give it to you. (thanks, Taylor Mali!) If you unfriend me, you don't owe me any explanation for it, and I won't ask you for one. This is a longstanding policy of mine, just as friending me is - you require no permission from me to add me to your friendslist.

Second, the level of discourse in comments to some of my entries. This goes for all commenters to this blog: Don't reply to another commenter in my blog just to be an asshole or for the sake of being snarky. If you have something good to contribute, by all means knock yourself out - but leave the mean-spirited bullshit off my blog. Say whatever you want on your own blog, but that kind of acidic and rude stuff is not welcomed here. If you must be that way, then write a post about it and link the person or email them - we all have LJ email addresses, you know. username at livejournal dot com - if you need your pound of flesh, then have it - but not at my expense. It is not a call for censorship, it is my rule that you exercise kindness and respect when commenting to others and keep your scathing negativity either to yourself or at the very least off my blog. I ask for no more, I expect no less. If you don't like it, then simply get out of my house.

- The friends who aren't -
Lots of people I haven't seen in a long time or spent enough time with (and really, there isn't enough time when it is people you love) I had the opportunity to be with in the past few days, and it was great. Especially seeing the two friends I thought had dropped off the face of the Earth, but turned up within an hour of one another. Both I'd missed terribly, and one who with something as simple as a hug made everything alright. The other proved to me that he really couldn't care less about me and left me feeling completely empty about all of the time I'd devoted to him in the past. I have no regrets with him because I've always been a good friend even when he gave me reasons not to be, and even after he hurt my feelings in a huge way that left even those around us who bore witness to it scratching their heads and wondering how he could be such a perfect shit to me.

I'd left messages for him and comments to his MySpace that I missed him and was thinking about him, they all went ignored. I left a voicemail for him that we would be at the park and wanted to see him, which also went ignored. Then I saw him walking towards me and got the feeling that as soon as he saw me, he would much rather I had not seen him so he could just go about his merry way. We hugged and small talked, and I asked him how he had been doing, but he never asked me anything of the sort about myself or Damien, who was also standing right there. He really couldn't have been less interested in anything about me and he never even cracked a smile the entire time we spoke. This was the treatment I got from someone I've cried and bled for, taken time away from my family for, and loved like a brother.

I'm not sad and I have no regrets. If anything I feel pity for him because he pissed away a friendship by not taking care of it and not doing his part to keep it with someone even he claimed made his life better when he needed it. I feel pity because no matter what anyone else says about me, I KNOW I'm one hell of a man - one hell of a GOOD man - and anyone I love benefits from it because I work my fucking ass off to make it so. The payoff is the love I get back, and I was totally surrounded by it for the past several days in spite of this person's shortcomings.

Life goes on, and I'm not wasting my time or energy mourning the loss of someone who threw me away.

21 years ago today...

I lost someone precious to me to an impulsive suicide. I'm still at a loss all these years later, and I accept that it happened and have learned to live with it. I am still both hurt by her choice and angry at her for making it, however. Because I have such a good life now, better than we ever imagined we would when we used lay out in my front yard at night and plan our futures while looking at stars that seemed as far away from everyone as we did.

I love and miss you, Staci.