March 17th, 2006

(no subject)

Here's a list of things I plan to change when I become Emperor. If you have something you'd like to suggest, by all means comment.

  • Jackassery, asshattery, and any other form of blatant stupidity will be punishable by public flogging - three strikes and it's a death penalty, I'm not fucking around
  • Beauty pageants, like TV evangelism, will be a thing of the past, having been banned with great shame
  • READILY AVAILABLE Socialized Health Care
  • Abuse of children &/or animals will be punished in the grand tradition of an eye for an eye
  • Rape and molestation will be automatic death penalty offenses*
  • I will bring back public hangings - on the steps of courthouses nationwide, televised
  • Public school systems will be completely overhauled, complete with appropriate sex education
  • As part of sex ed in school, a filmed abortion procedure will be shown as a means of promoting sexual responsibility
  • Parents who neglect their children will be held accountable
  • Brewster's, Haagen Dazs, and Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream - free on Fridays
  • Twice daily siestas
  • Churches will be taxed
  • Free broadband and wireless for all
  • Breakfast, lunch, and/or dinner available at any time of day in any restaurant
  • Sheet sets will not cost an arm and a leg, and will not be less than 400 thread count
  • The carrying of small dogs in purses will be banned
  • Paris Hilton, Fred Phelps & cultists, Jessica & Ashlee Simpson, Scientologists, you get the idea - all banished to Montserrat
  • Public service workers (teachers, EMT's, firefighters, & law enforcement) paid a decent salary
  • All recreational drugs will be legalized and taxed
  • Racism will be aggressively stomped out
  • Marriage equality
  • Politicians and lobbyists to have lower salaries but paid reasonably
  • ANYONE with the last name "Bush" denied entry into politics
  • Elected officials sworn in on the bible to protect the US Constitution - NOT sworn in on the US Constitution to protect the bible
  • Reckless drivers will be publically humiliated
  • Fat free/sugar free foods will be made to taste exactly like their fat and sugar laden contemporaries
  • Any presidential candidate will have to have served in the military and lived on welfare and in government housing for a minimum of 1 year
  • Anyone caught bringing small children into movie theaters will be fined considerably, and slapped repeatedly in addition to heavy fines if its a horror movie
  • Television psychics will be banned
  • The Patriot Act, as well as all other stupid pieces of legislation, will be declared null and void
  • Cars will all run on hydrogen and be affordable
Will add more as the ideas come to me, or as the comments dictate and I find admissible.

Sometimes, I could just kill a motherfucker.

Right-Wing Blocks Funding For Port Security, Disaster Preparedness -or- GODDAMNIT!
Moments ago, the House of Representatives narrowly defeated an amendment proposed by Rep. Martin Sabo (D-MN) that would have provided $1.25 billion in desperately needed funding for port security and disaster preparedness. The Sabo amendment [.pdf] included:
$300 million to enable U.S. customs agents to inspect high-risk containers at all 140 overseas ports that ship directly to the United States. Current funding only allows U.S. customs agents to operate at 43 of these ports.

$400 million to place radiation monitors at all U.S. ports of entry. Currently, less than half of U.S. ports have radiation monitors.

$300 million to provide backup emergency communications equipment for the Gulf Coast.
Meanwhile, the Bush budget – which most of the members who voted against this bill will likely support – contains an increase of $1.7 billion for missile defense[.doc], a program that doesn’t even work.

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