February 15th, 2006

My life is certainly NOT brilliant right now, and that's just going to have to be okay.

I don't feel like I'm ME anymore, I feel like I'm beaten down, defeated, tired, and apathetic - and any of these things alone are like the kiss of death for me.

This past year has really been difficult and I'm only just starting to see how a lot of the recent past has affected me. When I distill all of these things off of the whole, what I'm left with is relatively simple - I'm really just very unhappy, and I feel like I'm stuck spinning my wheels. Collapse )

Saturday was crazy as we had Cole's 9th birthday/slumber party at home. I was home this weekend as Damien and I were taking a bit of a break from one another for once. We had 6 boys spend the night and camp out in the living room. They had a great time and it was pretty much what I expected with having that many rowdy, rough-and-tumble boys running around crashing into and/or eating everything in sight. They eventually crashed out just before 3AM, then Mags and I finally followed suit. I got up at 7AM to make breakfast for the kids and allow them some playtime before the parents picked them up at 10. Having had a rough night and really just a rough go of things lately, Maggie and I decided to just get the hell out of town for the day. Avery was with her Grandmother and Cole went to spend the day at one of the spend the night friend's houses and by 11AM we were on the road. We had barely been on the road for 45 minutes when the show started, and off and on all day long it came down heavily but never stuck.

We went shopping at Whole Foods and the Dekalb Farmer's Market, had lunch at The Vortex, then came home. We both had a great time, it was a really good day except for the part where we were leaving the Farmer's Market and there was a very sweet homeless woman who asked if we had any money to spare. Maggie gave her what she had as I had no cash on me, she thanked us gratefully and we left. On the way to lunch, the guilt set in that we'd just loaded the trunk with all this food and I didn't give her anything. We were sitting in a nice, warm car - out of the cold - and there's no telling when she had the luxury of doing that. She had a jacket on but was obviously cold. It was showing and the wind was blustery, I had a fleece scarf and skullcap on and I didn't give them to her. Her lips were horribly chapped and I had chapstick and didn't give it to her. I've thought about all of this off and on since leaving her in that parking lot. See what I mean? What the hell has happened to me? I'm SO tired of this, I really am.

Spent the majority of the day today with a screaming migraine, but it's almost completely gone now. My shoulders are sore and tense and my stomach is all wierd, and I'm loopy and unable to keep much of a focus but I'm better. Still working on letters and CD's, please be patient. If you've already gotten yours and have not emailed me to let me know, please do so.

Happy Heterosexual Pride Valentine's Day, everyone - especially to everyone I love.
  • Current Music
    Sigur Rós - Untitled 4 (Njósnavélin - The Nothing Song)