September 27th, 2005

When Did People Get So Predictable And Boring?

There are times when I feel like I'm completely cut off from any oxygen and sunlight. There are times when I think I could kick my own ass (10X harder than I normally do on a weekly basis) for not BEING more, for not DOING more, for not FEELING more. Times when I am convinced that I have cancer of the perspective. Today was kind of all of that rolled up into one, sweetned with a phone call just before 8PM from D telling me he loved me for the best reason possible - no reason at all, at the very moment I was thinking of him and how much I loved him as well. When I'm frustrated for some reason, I like to write out a happy fantasy. This is a rare event in that I'm making this a public post, normally things of this nature are posted privately or... elsewhere...

So just now, spur of the moment, I decided on what I really wanted for myself right now more than anything, what would really make me happy. It involves an open field bounded by woods and nature trails on one side and a lake with a really nice dock on the other, at a time of year where it's not hot and not cool, in the earlier part of the evening. There would be a FABULOUS house big enough to accommodate all of the people who wanted to stay without crowding one another, and several little individual cabins in and around the woods. Heated pools and hot tubs and saunas. It involves candles and luminarias all around, and a table filled with assorted antipasti: olives, good cheeses, caponata, Gascon style pates, roasted red peppers, mortadella, tomatoes with cracked pepper and balsamico, prosciutto, bread, and good olive oil to dip it in - and an endless supply of Clos Du Bois Marlstone red wine. There would be rocking chairs and hammocks placed strategically around the area. There would be my favorite music playing from invisible speakers and christmas lights strung up in all of the trees - some white, some colored. There would be a bonfire in the center area of this field that would burn at a slow and steady pace, and just off to the side of it would be a set of playground swings and a giant ball pit for grownups, as there would be no children around. There would be another table with bottles of Veuve Clicquot champagne, fresh berries, and dark chocolate truffles made with Valrhona chocolate, and a ginormous platter of hash brownies. And of course, my favorite people in the world would all be there enjoying all of this with me, all just as high, happy, and buzzed as we wanna be, playing and dancing and singing and being ourselves.

Then later, just as things start winding down and people start pairing off to go about doing their own things, an army of hotness shows up. I'm talking hot Daddy bears and cubs of all shapes, sizes, and ages. Twinks, frats, slow talking good-ol'-boys, average joes. And for the lesbians and straighties, an equally nice selection of womenses. Everyone's fantasy fuck would be happening over and over. For my part, I'd have Paul Sr., Paul Jr., and Vinnie from American Chopper for D and myself. They will all smell of a mixture of clean and slightly musky sweat, stale exhaust fumes, and greasemonkey garage. Their hands will be rough and have dirt and grime under their fingernails. Sr. & Jr. will be wearing old, well worn jeans, snugly fitting t-shirts, leather jackets, and work boots - Vinnie will be wearing his navy blue shop suit and steel toed Docs. Both Jr. and Vinnie will have their trademark ballcaps on, and have at least two days worth of stubble in addition to their goatees. Underneath it all, Sr. will be wearing boxers - Jr., white briefs - Vinnie, black boxer briefs.

If you want more, you know where to look... ;-p