August 23rd, 2005

White T-shirt

Shedding More Old Skin.

Today makes one week ago that Robb was killed, and I'm learning to be fine with that. The odd thing about grief is it really does come to you in diferent stages, and they are all varied and random. I've gone through memories and pictures and am still able to hear his voice in my mind, from his little boy voice to his awkward and angsty teenage voice (we were SO alike), to his grown-up voice. I'm at a point where I can think about him without thinking about his death and what happened to him. I've accepted the reality of this situation along with the other family members I've lost this Summer and am working on getting to the point of not feeling cursed and tainted. So that's where I am emotionally/psychologically right now.

Physically I'm still wrestling this goddamned Summer cold, which has made me quite lethargic today. Usually I have plenty of energy to get me through the day during the week, but today I've been lacking. I went ahead and made dinner early so it could be ready for everyone in the event that I get zapped for energy later. I made white chicken chili and have cut the veggies and made spinach dip for Cole's favorite dinner, veggie wraps. Basically you spread the spinach dip over a piece of flat bread or tortilla, then add leaf lettuce, cucumber, tomato, sprouts, avocado, and whatever else you want (cheese, turkey, you name it) and make it a kind of fresh, cold fajita with raw veggies. Kind of a salad in a soft taco, really. So that's dinner.

I am feeling better in general, but still a bit on the melancholy side. Mostly I am still just quite shell shocked over everything that has happened these past few months. It's felt like every time I turn around the proverbial rug gets yanked out from under me. It's been a lot to take, and I'm going through bouts of being very overwhelmed and overstimulated REALLY quickly. I'm a lot quicker to being irritated and react out of emotion instead of logic. I've been very shut in from everyone in part as a reaction to feeling shut out, for whatever sense that makes. And it's not just ben a matter of grief over the dead, but relationships that have either ground to a halt or changed in my perception. I've had people I've been very close to suddenly lowered in my estimation, people I've always thought very highly of and trusted with my life that and I've loved so much it bordered on idolatry fall from their thrones. Love blinds you to many things, I guess. In my case it's made me more withdrawn. Certainly has done nothing for my trust issues. And I've been extraordinarily weepy as well. Granted, I do have a lot to cry about these days, but the truth is I'm very reluctant to allow it. It's a lifelong thing starting from early childhood where I was admonished for it more than once by my father. He couldn't bear it, seeing someone sad forced him to take on that person's pain and rather than be supportive as he should have been. I don't blame him for it at all, I understand him now that I'm a man myself having grown up the way he did. I have no "crying is weak" issues, it's just a built in reaction in me that I don't cry - especially in front of people. So as I've said before, if ever you actually see me cry, be cautiously supportive because it means that something is SERIOUSLY fucked up.

So much as forced me into humility lately. So much has threatned to comepletely undo me, and in fundamental ways there have been successes there. I do feel a bigger sense of loss right now than the losses I've sustained externally, I feel like I've lost parts of myself that I'm just never going to reclaim. Some things cannot be fixed, some things are just broken and you have no choice but to accept that. My perception of myself has radically changed as well. A lot of my optimism has diminished, as has my perception that people are generally empathetic. I've been surprised (and not pleasantly, mind you) with the realization that some people really just are not capable of being on the same level as me, and I cannot expect them to be anything other than what they are. You either get it or you don't, and it is a waste of time and energy trying to teach that to people. My mind has been clouded for a lot longer than I've paid attention to, and I suppose I've been fooling myself to that effect. Too much subtext and not enough of what I know best, which is being direct and forthright. I've got enough balls for five average people, and I've felt like I'm consistently being kicked in all of them. A good friend this past weekend said to me "I just decided what you are: TRUE. Lack of bullshit, lies, deceit." It made me feel better and reminded me of what really is important, and made me grateful that I am who I am in spite of all my flawed, outrageous humanity.

Soon I need to just let go and let it all hang out, and soon I will. I know, scary stuff - especially if you're there when it happens. One thing is for damned sure though, I'm through with sparing people's feelings for one more microsecond. The mollycoddling is over, folks. We're each responsible for ourselves and our own happiness. It is such an American thing that we just expect to be happy without doing the necessary legwork to make that happen, which is why I'm so very lucky to have D as a lifemate. He's one of the only people I know that totally compliments my life without complicating it. Dog bless him.
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