June 17th, 2005

White T-shirt

(no subject)

Being optimistic is hard enough without having one fucking more thing thrown on top of an already teetering mountain of shit, but there is my challenge. Perhaps it is my state of mind lately in light of things that are really starting to wear on me, or it is the simple fact that I feel very uninspired and hopeless. I keep trying to perk myself up and then I stop for one second and think instead "Oh what is the fucking point, there's nothing you can do about this or this or that."

I did not sleep last night. At all. I tried over and over, and nothing got me tired enough for sleep. The point at which I began to get weepy just from lack of sleep and feeling like every nerve in my being was raw and exposed gave me way too much time to think about everything that is weighing on me and making me depressed. So about 4AM I decide to go for a walk. Within an hour or so, I came back to the house and hoped to be tired enough for sleep, but that never happened. So I'm sitting there in the living room at 5AM & change, disconnected from everyone and everything, lonely, alone, and crying. I can take feeling lonely, I can take feeling alone, but both at the same time was just too much.

Thinking: what started out as the ideal "Me" vacation, having down time and doing the things that I wanted to do has ended up being a big, miserable, waste of fucking time. And I'm trying really hard to take all the optimism and nurturing I give others and apply it to myself, but I'm not meeting with much success. I decided that I have no control over the things I'm unable to change right now, and that it is typical the way things have panned out for me this week. Almost ironic, really. I accept that what I really wanted and needed from this week I'm not going to have, and trying not to let it keep me down.

Tomorrow morning I'm doing yardwork and finishing cleaning the house so when the family comes home they'll come home to the comfort of a clean home and not the stress of how dirty things are. Speaking of the house, I'm heading back there now. I'm posting this from djrl (Mom)'s, so if anyone wishes to contact me or needs to get me a message you'll have to call D's cellphone later this evening.