May 28th, 2005

Good Boy

"Be my good boy now, and I'll take you to get ice cream after..."
That's what he would tell me, he would take me to get ice cream if I didn't cry and if I never told anyone. Can you believe how lame that sounds to me now? That's what he told me when I was 10 years old and it started, to the best of my memory which is pock marked and moth eaten at best. I never got to pick my own flavor, he would always buy me a single scoop of strawberry in one of those nasty cake cup cones. To this day I will eat neither strawberry ice cream or cake cup cones. A few years ago I was offered strawberry ice cream, and it never occurred to me that I would have any adverse reaction to it. As soon as the spoon got in my mouth, I gagged and ran outside to vomit, which I did violently. I cried the whole time, realizing what that taste had come to represent to me. So no more strawberry ice cream for me, ever.

This post details more personal information than I think I have ever shared on LiveJournal before, and it will have graphic moments and might make you regret reading any further. I make this post public because I no longer care who knows about this kind of thing, keeping it to myself and the choice few who already know about it has always been part of the problem. Perhaps this might serve to help someone in the same struggle.

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Today I decided to start a new piece for my En Abstraktia series. This one actually does have a title, I have decided to call it "Good Boy". It was created in the spirit of a violently angry little boy that lives inside me, so betrayed and hurt and angry that I rarely ever see him. I never thought I could ever help him, but I decided to let him take over this particular piece. And he did. I'm much happier now that I let him do it, too.

So for anyone who has ever been hurt like this or ever felt betrayed or victimized, this is for you. Feel free to link to this entry and pass it around, post about it or whatever - I don't care. I make this post public because I think that art SHOULD imitate life and it should provoke and inspire on some level. I think it should be shared, and though I don't normally explain these pieces, this one was too personal not to. Thank salenelle for that.

Series: En Abstraktia
Title: "Good Boy"

I should be shocked by the reactions, unfortunately I'm not.

In response to all of the comments that I've received from my previous post, and for all of you who have felt in a similar way as me as a result of being abused yourselves, I love you. I just do. You know why.

A long time ago I wrote a letter to my friend michaelnolan that he posted on his LJ about what happened to me in my childhood. If I could find it I'd finally own up to it as it was posted anonymously. I do not believe in guilt, I have nothing to be ashamed of, and my wish for each of you is that you would feel the same as I do.

I am touched by each of your stories and confessions, you all have my love and respect. Be better than what has been done to you, be bigger than the grief. Own it, don't allow it to own you. Learn to live with it like I have, you don't have to forgive anybody or anything if you don't want to in order to do that. It might not be the most healthy way to live, but it is my choice to hold a grudge until I die. Anger did more for me by being turned out than it ever did being turned inward.

I send love and good energy to each of you and to those who share a common burden alongside us, and kisses for all your scars.