April 20th, 2005

(no subject)

I woke up three different times during the night from my own crying before finally just giving up and bawling in the dark early this morning. My emotions, which I normally have a good hold on, are all over the place. I got so upset thinking about all of the shit that is bothering me that I threw up my coffee into the sink as I was preparing to brush my teeth a while ago. It is times like these that I really wished I believed in God, at least that would be some sense of comfort I could depend on.

Even though in reality I know I'm not, I feel completely lonely, forsaken, and hopeless. Even though I know I have friends who love me and would do anything to help me if they could, I don't know that there is a soul on earth who can help me right now. I know that others have gone through this same type of stuff before, but I feel like I'm walking this one alone. It is hard to remember when I last felt this low. I have tasked myself with things to keep me busy today, which will help me as long as I don't think too much. I've got my music geared around songs that make me feel good, and will be playing that as well.

I know this all passes eventually if you just tough it out, which I have no choice but to do. I, who never is selfish or ever feels guilt, feel completely guilty for feeling selfish. No one has done anything bad to me directly, and D is doing his level best to be supportive of me in his ever-loving and sweet way, yet I feel heartbroken and I've done nothing to warrant it.

I hate feeling needy and weak. I am too young to be going through a midlife crisis, but I swear on my life that is what this is.
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