July 9th, 2004

(no subject)

I was thinking about this earlier, how grateful I am for everything I have. We spend SO much time complaining about everything, bitching and moaning and whining about things (and oftentimes people) that don't even have to affect us unless we allow them to. If you invite misery into your life, it will make a home there. It's a difficult roomate to get rid of, too. Sometimes you live that way for so long that it becomes your norm and you don't even know it, but all it takes is for that one light to go off somewhere and BOOM! You make some inner adjustments, and you lighten up about your life.

None of us are hungry, none of us are living in the streets, none of us are unloved. We all have things that keep us going, and when you think about it hard enough, it takes a lot less will and determination to simply get up and decide you're going to have a great day. Keep a mental list of how many times you get asked "How are you today?" or "How are you doing?" and what your answers are. I'd be willing to bet that if you were in a really bad mood, but could find it in you to manage a smile while replying "I'm doing great!" enough times, you might actually come to believe it. Keep another list of how many negative things you say to yourself and to others each day, see how high it gets.

I could complain about a lot of things, but I am choosing not to. I figure that as soon as I start, I let that bullshit take over and it defines who I am. Well not any more. I have clear examples in my mind of who I don't want to be, who I am not, and who I choose.

Life is great compared to how a lot of people live, by choice or by circumstance. I'm done with as much misery as I can help, and the rest is just going to have to work itself out.

We're all so mean to ourselves and to each other, and it's really sickening. We spend far too much time making fun of other people's miseries that we don't give any thought to making fun of ourselves sometimes and laughing it up more.

Heal it up, make it better, or move it along.

VIVE L'OIGNON!!!!!!

7-Year-Old Asshole Demands You King Him
COS COB, CT—On the 23rd turn of the game Monday, 7-year-old asshole Andy Scot advanced a checker to the opposite end of the board and plunked it down on a black square. "King me," the smug little bastard said, folding his pudgy arms across his sweater-vested chest. "Do it." The checkers game, which continued apace after you placed a checker on top of his, was at least a reprieve from hearing the little shit say "sorry" during the game of the same name.

Local Woman Dies Of Lost Cell Phone
APALACHICOLA, FL—Catherine Polk, 24, died at a local Starbucks Monday afternoon, due to complications resulting from the tragic loss of her cell phone. "It was horrible—Cathy didn't have any of her numbers written down anywhere else, and she was waiting on a call about last-minute tickets for a concert," said best friend Melissa Barreth, who was with Polk when she first discovered that her Cingular V400 quad band/GSM cell phone was not in her purse. "We tried everything to find it, but in the end, there was nothing we could do." The coroner's report confirmed that Polk died of a sudden lack of wireless service.

Georgia Adds Swastika, Middle Finger To State Flag


Oh, the irony...

Mugger Can't Believe Crap Victim Has On MP3 Player
BOSTON—Following the successful mugging of a jogger in Franklin Park, petty criminal Derek Mesker announced Monday that he cannot believe the shit he's found on his victim's Philips 20GB MP3 player. "3 Doors Down? Maroon 5!" Mesker said, scrolling through the songs. "The new Counting Crows?! Man, I'm glad I pistol-whipped that motherfuck." Mesker added that the first thing he did was toss the device's "gay-ass" teal neoprene case.

No One Notices Area Man's Marginal Attempts To Change
MIDLAND, TX—No one in Jacob Grant's life has noticed his minor attempts to become a "more thoughtful and considerate person," the new-and-improved man reported Monday. "I'm just asking for a little recognition," said Grant, who in the past week purchased a pack of cigarettes for a friend, complimented his girlfriend's new haircut, and allowed his brother to eat the last samosa. "After all, it's not like I particularly enjoy holding elevator doors open." Despite the lack of positive feedback, Grant said he plans to give his new plan at least another day or two.

Nation’s Liberals Suffering From Outrage Fatigue


Above: Flauman has trouble mustering outrage over Republican policy.

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a study released Monday by the Hammond Political Research Group, many of the nation's liberals are suffering from a vastly diminished sense of outrage.

"With so many right-wing shams to choose from, it's simply too daunting for the average, left-leaning citizen to maintain a sense of anger," said Rachel Neas, the study's director. "By our estimation, roughly 70 percent of liberals are experiencing some degree of lethargy resulting from a glut of civil-liberties abuses, education funding cuts, and exorbitant military expenditures."
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