July 1st, 2004

Twice as cloudy as I did the night before, and I went in seeking Clarity... Who's Clarity?

I just watched what is possibly one of the most amazing films ever. It's an HBO film called If These Walls Could Talk 2 and it was fucking brilliant. It had one (if not THE) of the most beautiful, tender, and intimate love scenes I've ever witnessed in my life. I know that you're thinking that for me to say this, it must have been a scene between Javy Lopez and Carl Pavano, right? Or at least between two equally hot men, right? Or at least one really hot guy and a hot woman, right? Wrong, wrong, and wrong. Although I'd sell both of the dogs and possibly one of the children to see Javy and Carl doing the hibbity dibbity, the scene in question was between two women! Sharon Stone and Ellen Degeneres, one of the three lesbian couples in the film. The other two couples were Vanessa Redgrave (fucking amazing woman, oh my GOD) and Marian Seldes, and the third was Chloë Sevigny and Michelle Williams. Also in the film were Natasha Lyonne, Elizabeth Perkins, Kathy Najimy, and George Newbern. I recorded it, and will be putting it on tape tomorrow.

Yesterday wasn't as bad as I'd imagined it would be, and I kept busy and got a lot accomplished. Ditto with today, I got more accomplished than I thought I had originally.
Yesterday evening was all about opening myself up to things I thought I'd resolved to seal off for life, only to let them go like birds that never belonged in a cage to begin with. It was about listening and really hearing, closing up a broken circle, and putting tender kisses on even more tender scars. I proved to myself that you have to consider that people can make bad choices and judgements - but that doesn't ahve to be all they are and all they ever will be. When people go to great lengths to bare their souls and make right old wrongs, it takes a lot of work. It's a lot of work to kick your own ass, but it shows a lot about who you are and who you want to be and that is admirable and should be recognized. Amazing what heartfelt apologies do to validate old hurts and help set them free. It makes me feel that one day I can feel a similar validation from my parents, or at least a glimmer of hope that such things are possible.

I feel very odd today, almost bittersweet. Some longing, some sadness, and still a sense that just outside the grey where I cannot see there is the purest blue waiting for me. It has nothing specifically to do with anyone or anything, just overlapping emotions in the same trainwreck that comes out of nowhere and drags me down. Then again, there are people I feel such overwhelming bitterness and animosity toward, just full on contemptible rage and disgust and there is little I can do about it but dismiss it and let it burn or smolder or do whatever it's going to do with itself.

See, I say that fresh on the heels of yesterday when someone from my past that I have spent a good chunk of my life with came to me of their own volition to tell me many things, things that nearly broke me to hear but soothed me like nothing else. I'm not accustomed to anyone who has hurt me making any real effort to fix that fact, so it was especially remarkable to hear "I am sorry for not taking better care of our friendship back before it was damaged. I am sorry for harboring anger and resentment to such a degree that I manufactured ulterior motives for your actions, and then hung on to those beliefs with no justification. I am sorry for allowing our friendship to end with no effort on my part. I am sorry for taking so long to tell you I am sorry..." There was more, a lot more, but that is all I feel like sharing. The rest is just for me, and I plan to keep it that way.

So again, I thank you. You did more for me and the cracks in my heart in the time we spent talking last night than I can tell you, and I am truly grateful for it. You're right, we're much better people now for everything we've been through. I like us better this way. Would that everyone I know in similar circumstances be as brave, as selfless, and as sincere in proving their remorse for the damage they cause, I'd have a lot less burdening my mind and my heart right now. So I truly believe that you meant every word, and I let go of a burn I've carried these past few years that just doesn't matter anymore. If you can be that brave, then certainly so can I. I have no idea what this means for the future, but for now I'm content.

I'm looking forward to seeing some fireworks this weekend, I think we're going to do Fourth Of July dinner again on the roof of the parking garage and watch the fireworks over the river. I'll post the when, the where, and the what once I talk to my sweetie and we decide. It's nice up there, so long as I'm not too close to the edge. Watching the fireworks with people I love on the quilt my Mama made for me sounds like exactly what I need right now. This year we're bringing citronella candles, poor Damien is getting eaten alive with mosquitoes this year. If you plan on coming, bring dinner and happiness. You don't have to bring dinner if you don't want to, just bring happiness. Or joy. Or some kind of bliss, because I need to borrow some.
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