June 29th, 2004

I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend, but I always thought that I'd see you again..

Tomorrow will be 4 years ago that Shane died. Normally I close myself off from the world and feel the weight of that day pressing upon me, and let myself grieve for the loss. Tomorrow I'm going to ride my bike and take pictures, then I'm going to make some artwork. I'm still going to spend a lot of the time alone, but at least that will give me something constructive to do. I need to create.

I just watched an old Christmas video from 1997, I wanted to see and hear him alive again. It was the first time since the night before he died that I've heard his voice, his laugh, seen his face, his walk, his smile and seen him hold his children. Cole was one month away from his first birthday in the video, and Haley was five I think. It was also the first time since the day before she died that I got to see and hear Granny as well.

I am also looking at the last picture taken of him, approximately two minutes before he died. It was given to me by a friend of a friend who was there that day.

I am so flooded with memories and longing that I could drown in them. I read the letter that I wrote to Shane two days after the accident. It was the first time I read it since I read it aloud at his memorial service.

Maybe tomorrow I will go to the cemetery, I'm not very keen on going there normally because I don't feel any attatchment to him there, but for whatever reason I think I want to go. Maybe I will.

I don't have anything else to give right now, so I'll stop.
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